Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 2
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
Anouncer: Now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Don Pardo! And you know, Don, I find you so.. fresh, exciting!
Indian guru Rajneesh went back to India this week, after a plea-bargaining this week, leaving behind his disciples, the remnants of that controversial Oregan commune. Reports from our Oregan correspondent say that the disciples, seeking new leadership, have descended upon the home of ZZ Top. And security has been beefed up around the Oak Ridge Boys’ Nashville compound.
Phillipine President Ferdinand Marcos started campaigning for the January 17th election this week. So far his chances are excellent, considering he’s the only candidate. However, even that position seemed threatened yesterday, when he named Geraldine Ferraro as his running-mate.
The New York State Board of Regents, this week, voted to let high school girls play on teams with boys in contact sports. However, the girls must first be examined by a special Fitness Panel. So far, the biggest reaction is from the boys, who have given up sports and are now trying out for the Fitness Panel.
President Reagan has authorized the CIA to undermine Momar Kadaffi’s Libya regime. CIA Director William Casey affirms that the plan is to stop terrorism, not to suppot the assassination of Kadaffi. However, he did explain that James Earl Ray, Sirhn Sirhan and John Hinckley were being sent to Libya as “observers”.
The Swiss government has finally broken with its historical neutrality, by announcing today that, in the event of nuclear war, it will ally itself with.. the winner!
A radical feminist group in Washington, D.C., today, demanded that the Heimlich Manuever be renamed the Heimlich Come-On. According to the group’s spokeswoman, “There’s a lot of scumballs out there who feel a piece of beef wedged halfway down the throat is a great reason to cop a feel.” Heimlich homself could not be reached for comment, as he was participating in a nude volleyball game at Hef’s pad.
The U.S. and Soviet Union have agreed on a new treaty banning the proliferation of chemical weapons. The treaty is pending final agreement, on exactly where in New Jersey the weapons will be disposed of.
Here’s what’s happening on Wall Street this week: The Dean Jones Industrial Average plummeted 3 points, after setting a new mark on Thursday. Thank you, Dino, what a diverse talent.
General Motors announced this past week that some of its luxury cars will cost nearly $4,000 more in 1986 than in 1985. The company justified the increase by promising that the ’86 models would actually work. Take that, Toyota!
The Coca-Cola Corporation announced today that, in an effort to broaden its consumer base, it is unveiling yet another variation on the basic Coke theme – Pepsi-Coke, a subtle blend of classic Coke and Pepsi will be hitting the shleves on December 4th, just two days before the release of Pepsi Co.’s new master stroke – Coke-Pepsi.
Dennis Miller: And now, with a look at the national deficit, here’s our Uptown Financial Analyst, Damon Wayans.
Damon Wayans: What’s up, y’all? You know, just recently I watched President Reagan’s budget proposal on TV, and, after meditating on his plan, I’ve come to the conclusion that Homeboy don’t know what he’s doing. You see, Ronnie’s talking about cutting back on Social Aid. If he cuts Welfare one more time, all them flies over in Ethopia is gonna be over here. Brothers up in Harlem are gonna be like this.. [ swats pretend flies ] You see, the real problem is, we’re what’s called a “decimation”, which means we owe out a lot of money. And what baffles me is, we keep lending crazy money to foreign countries who can’t afford to pay us back! Instead of cutting ’em off, we lend ’em mo’ money! Maybe we should be more like the Russians. You see, they don’t have no trace deficit. That’s ’cause they know how to collect! [ smacks his fists ] See, if you them even one ruble for too long, Boris comes in with them tanks, and he repossesses your whole country! It might be time for us to take a firmer stand.[ holds up picture of Uncle Sam and a consumer ] Now, this represents the owing country, and this is the U.S. I figure.. [ switches to picture of Uncle Sam punching consumer ] ..if the U.S. would, perhaps, intimidate these owing countries like this, they could start to produce some sort of payment fund. Then, maybe we could go over to the Middle East and make some mo’ money. We could sell Iraq an MX Missile for a billion dollars, boom! Turn around, sell Iran an MX for $2 billion – mo’ money, mo’ money! Let ’em blow each other up – they’re killing each other, anyway! You know? Come in, take over them oil fields – you know, mo’ money! Then we could start selling bigger and better cars for less money. Mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money!
Or, maybe we could just be a lot more careful with who we lend our money to. Back to you, baby! Dennis?
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Damon, for washing into our lives like a sweet breeze of truth. It’s kind of like having Antonio Fargus and Miltion Friedman in the same chair, huh? Well, folks, I can see the caboose, and it’s time to wrap up.. and, rest assured, I ain’t gonna play Sun City, and Vegas is probably out of the question, too. That’s the news, I’m gone!