Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 3
The Pathological Liar
…..Pee Wee Herman
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
INT. PRISON CELL NIGHT
A GUARD opens the cell door and throws PEE WEE HERMAN in. TOMMY FLANAGAN sits on his rack.
Pee Wee Herman: Youre throwing me in prison cell with a bunch of hardened criminals!? I tell you I wont make it!![ Pee Wee sits on his rack. Tommy arises from his. ]
Tommy Flanagan: Hey, hey! You cant bring him in here. This is my cell! Yeah, yeah the warden said I could have it all to myself!
Guard: Shut up, you liar!
Tommy Flanagan: Hey, hey I resent that! That guy calling me a liar!? I spent five years in Pathological Liars Anonymous getting cured I even took a lie detector test. I had the highest test theyd seen in fiv-ten years. Im Fla-nag-in. Tommy Flanagan. Whats your name?[ Tommy extends his hand for Pee Wee to shake. Pee Wee shakes it. ]
Pee Wee Herman: Herman. Pee Wee. So what are you in for Tommy?
Tommy Flanagan: Oh, me? I work here yeah I just came in to take a nap.
Pee Wee Herman: Well thats a relief. At least Im not in here with a bunch of hardened criminals.
Tommy Flanagan: Oh I am a criminal.
Pee Wee Herman: I dont get it. How can you be a criminal and work here?
Tommy Flanagan: I dont know. Oh its because Ive never been caught. Yeah thats it! Im a car thijewel thief yeah I stole the Hope the Crown Jewels.
Pee Wee Herman: I didnt hear anything about that.
Tommy Flanagan: Thats because they dont know theyre missing yeah so what are you in for? Robbery? Extortion? Murder!?
Pee Wee Herman: Speeding. Yeah uh I was uh speeding away from a bank I robbed.[ Pee Wee gives a high-pitched laugh. ]
Tommy Flanagan: Bank robber, huh? I was a bank robber when I was a kid yeah I was 12 years-old at the time yeah I used to rob five banks a day, six days a week! Then on the day of, I was a pickpocket yeah thats it.
Pee Wee Herman: I never robbed a bank when I was a kid. My mom wouldnt let me, but uh I trained my dog to do it yeah my dog could sit, roll over, and rob banks.
Tommy Flanagan: No kidding?
Pee Wee Herman: Yeah except, uh then he got run over chasing a Brinks truck.[ Pee Wee laughs again. ]
Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah. I saw that accident. Well if you ask me, he got what was coming to him. You know, its getting hard to where you cant walk down the streets no more. Why just the other day, I was walking home from robbing Fort Knox
Pee Wee Herman: For the fifth time, I suppose.
Tommy Flanagan: Well, now youre being silly. Anyway, I was walking on my way home and all the sudden this man walks up to me and sticks a gun in my face.
Pee Wee Herman: So you killed him!?
Tommy Flanagan: No, no, I uh flipped him. Yeah thats what I did and it turned out he was a Russian spy. Yeah yeah thats it. He was the head of the K-G-B.
Pee Wee Herman: Yeah, you know, I think I remember that. I was the Presi head of the CIA at the time. Yeah!
Tommy Flanagan: No kidding.
Pee Wee Herman: No, no I wouldnt kid you. You see, I started out as a regular agent. Then, they promoted me to double agent. Then, I got shipped of to Brazil because I could speak Portuguese so good.
Tommy Flanagan: I speak Portuguese too! When Im in the mood yeah! Learned it when I was a minis bishop! Yeah Thats what I was a bishop. Yeah I was the Archbishop of Canterbury. And I went to Rome you see to convert the Pope and uh I was kidnapped by
Pee Wee Herman: Hare Krishnas!
Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! Yeah! And they got me at the airport, you know well, they, they tortured me day and night, chanting in my ear, but I wouldnt talk, you see? So I kept me in a a
Pee Wee Herman: Birdcage!
Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! They kept me for six years and they used to cut of my head every night so I couldnt escape!
Pee Wee Herman: Yeah I dont know how you could stand that! They tried to do that to me when I was the President of Ford Motors but but it nearly drove me batty.
Tommy Flanagan: Well it was the Bible that saved me. Yeah it was an exploding Bible! Yeah thats what it was! I threw it into their incense burner and it blew them up! It was raining ponytails for two weeks I tell you! You should have seen them![ The guard approaches the cell door. ]
Guard: Alright you two up on your feet![ Pee Wee dashes to the guard and grabs him by his jacket. ]
Pee Wee Herman: I wont talk I tell you! I want to see my lawyer!
Tommy Flanagan: Dont worry the guards probably here for me. Im expecting a pardon from the Governor yeah
Guard: A pardon!? What are you nuts!? They dont give out pardons for jaywalking. Your wife paid your bail youre out of here. And you as well, pal. Just watch yourself when you cross the street, next time. Cmon, cmon.[ The guard snaps his fingers. Tommy exits the cell. ]
Tommy Flanagan: How do you like that? My wife paid my bail yeah shes Morgan Fairchild.[ Pee Wee follows behind Tommy, trying to one-up him. The guard closes the door shut. The CAMERA zooms out for a WIDE SHOT of the set in Studio 8H. Various crew members & cameras shuffle around. ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs