SNL Transcripts: Pee Wee Herman: 11/23/85: The Pathological Liar


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 11: Episode 3

85c: Pee Wee Herman / Queen Ida & The Bon Temps Zydeco Band

The Pathological Liar

…..Pee Wee Herman
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
Guard…..Dan Vitale



A GUARD opens the cell door and throws PEE WEE HERMAN in. TOMMY FLANAGAN sits on his rack.

Pee Wee Herman: You’re throwing me in prison cell with a bunch of hardened criminals!? I tell you – I won’t make it!!

[ Pee Wee sits on his rack. Tommy arises from his. ]

Tommy Flanagan: Hey, hey! You can’t bring him in here. This is my cell! Yeah, yeah… the warden said I could have it all to myself!

Guard: Shut up, you liar!

[ The guard leaves the cell. ]

Tommy Flanagan: Hey, hey… I resent that! That guy calling me a liar!? I spent five years in Pathological Liars Anonymous… getting cured… I even took a lie detector test. I had the highest test they’d seen in fiv-ten years. I’m Fla-nag-in. Tommy Flanagan. What’s your name?

[ Tommy extends his hand for Pee Wee to shake. Pee Wee shakes it. ]

Pee Wee Herman: Herman. Pee Wee. So… what are you in for Tommy?

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, me? I work here… yeah… I just came in to take a nap.

Pee Wee Herman: Well that’s a relief. At least I’m not in here with a bunch of hardened criminals.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh… I am a criminal.

Pee Wee Herman: I don’t get it. How can you be a criminal and work here?

Tommy Flanagan: I don’t know. Oh… it’s because I’ve never been caught. Yeah… that’s it! I’m a car thi—jewel thief… yeah… I stole the Hope – the Crown Jewels.

Pee Wee Herman: I didn’t hear anything about that.

Tommy Flanagan: That’s because they don’t know they’re missing… yeah… so what are you in for? Robbery? Extortion? Murder!?

Pee Wee Herman: Speeding. Yeah… uh… I was uh… speeding away from a bank I robbed.

[ Pee Wee gives a high-pitched laugh. ]

Tommy Flanagan: Bank robber, huh? I was a bank robber when I was a kid… yeah… I was 12 years-old at the time… yeah… I used to rob five banks a day, six days a week! Then on the day of, I was a pickpocket… yeah… that’s it.

Pee Wee Herman: I never robbed a bank when I was a kid. My mom wouldn’t let me, but uh… I trained my dog to do it… yeah… my dog could sit, roll over, and rob banks.

Tommy Flanagan: No kidding?

Pee Wee Herman: Yeah… except, uh… then he got run over chasing a Brinks truck.

[ Pee Wee laughs again. ]

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah. I saw that accident. Well… if you ask me, he got what was coming to him. You know, it’s getting hard to where you can’t walk down the streets no more. Why just the other day, I was walking home from robbing… Fort Knox –

Pee Wee Herman: For the fifth time, I suppose.

Tommy Flanagan: Well, now you’re being silly. Anyway, I was walking on my way home and all the sudden this man walks up to me and sticks a gun in my face.

Pee Wee Herman: So you killed him!?

Tommy Flanagan: No, no, I… uh… flipped him. Yeah… that’s what I did… and it turned out he was a Russian spy. Yeah… yeah… that’s it. He was the head of the K-G-B.

Pee Wee Herman: Yeah, you know, I think I remember that. I was the Presi – head of the CIA at the time. Yeah!

Tommy Flanagan: No kidding.

Pee Wee Herman: No, no… I wouldn’t kid you. You see, I started out as a regular agent. Then, they promoted me to double agent. Then, I got shipped of to Brazil because I could speak Portuguese so good.

Tommy Flanagan: I speak Portuguese too! When I’m in the mood… yeah! Learned it when I was a minis – bishop! Yeah… That’s what I was… a bishop. Yeah… I was the Archbishop of Canterbury. And I went to Rome you see to convert the Pope and uh… I was kidnapped by…

Pee Wee Herman: Hare Krishnas!

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! Yeah! And they got me at the airport, you know… well, they, they tortured me day and night, chanting in my ear, but I wouldn’t talk, you see? So I kept me in a… a…

Pee Wee Herman: Birdcage!

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! They kept me for six years… and they used to cut of my head every night so I couldn’t escape!

Pee Wee Herman: Yeah… I don’t know how you could stand that! They tried to do that to me when I was the President of Ford Motors… but… but… it nearly drove me batty.

Tommy Flanagan: Well… it was the Bible that saved me. Yeah… it was an… exploding Bible! Yeah… that’s what it was! I threw it into their incense burner and it blew them up! It was raining ponytails for two weeks I tell you! You should have seen them!

[ The guard approaches the cell door. ]

Guard: Alright you two – up on your feet!

[ Pee Wee dashes to the guard and grabs him by his jacket. ]

Pee Wee Herman: I won’t talk I tell you! I want to see my lawyer!

Tommy Flanagan: Don’t worry… the guard’s probably here for me. I’m expecting a pardon from the Governor… yeah…

Guard: A pardon!? What are you nuts!? They don’t give out pardons for jaywalking. Your wife paid your bail – you’re out of here. And you as well, pal. Just watch yourself when you cross the street, next time. C’mon, c’mon.

[ The guard snaps his fingers. Tommy exits the cell. ]

Tommy Flanagan: How do you like that? My wife paid my bail… yeah… she’s Morgan Fairchild.

[ Pee Wee follows behind Tommy, trying to “one-up” him. The guard closes the door shut. The CAMERA zooms out for a WIDE SHOT of the set in Studio 8H. Various crew members & cameras shuffle around. ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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