Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 4
[ SETTING: Dad’s workshop ]
Daughter: Hi, Dad. Whatcha doing?
Dad: Oh, just sharpening up this old saw, honey.
Daughter: Dad, do have a minute to talk?
Dad: Honey, I always have time for my little girls. All five of you. What’s on your mind?
Daughter: Well.. it’s about Jeff and me..
Dad: Uh-oh. The honeymoon’s over.
Daughter: Yeah, I’m afraid so.
Dad: So you had a little spat, huh? A little tiff? Scrap? Squabble?
Daughter: Worse, Dad..
Dad: A tussle? A brawl? A knock-down, drag-out?
Daughter: Dad, stop it.
Dad: Right! Cut the bull! Can it! Knock it off!
Daughter: Dad, this is serious. Jeff and I are getting a divorce.
Dad: [ shocked ] Oh. a parting of the ways.
Daughter: I just don’t know what to do. It’s like my life’s turned upside-down.
Dad: Boy, that’s too bad, sweetie. But you did have five good years with Jeff.
Daughter: No, Dad. Jeff and I have been married for six months.Tina‘s been married five years.
Dad: [ laughs ] Oh, right! Boy, I come down into this basement,sometimes, and my mind just zips off to Looney Land! So, whathappened, sweetie?
Dad: Was he drinking? Did he like to hoist a few? Bend an elbow? Tie one on?
Daughter: No, Dad.
Dad: Oh.. then he was slipping out on you, huh? Getting a little on the side? Burning a candle on both ends?
Daughter: No, Jeff was completely faithful, as far as I know.
Dad: [ puzzled ] Hmm.. sounds like a straight arrow, rock solid, salt of the earth kind of a guy.
Daughter: Yeah. I don’t know.. I guess it’s me, really. I have so many feelings pent up inside, and I don’t have anyone to talk to about them.
Dad: That’s what fathers are for, honey. When you’re at the end of your rope.. your back up against the wall.. barely able to keep your head up above water.. going down for the third time..
Daughter: [ frustrated ] Dad! Dad, I’m really upset about this! I.. I can’t sleep anymore!
Dad: Boy! There’s nothing like, you know, hitting the old hay. Sawing some logs.
Daughter: I know.. so I.. I started taking sleeping pills, and..well.. I think I’m addicted..
Dad: Hoo, boy! Honey, that’s a one-way street.. a long road ahead, no turning. That’s a monkey on your back.
Daughter: I know.. and so, Jeff and I haven’t been.. you know.. doing.. [ Dad mimes a thrust ] Yeah! And.. well.. I don’t know.. I don’t think he loves me anymore!
Dad: [ holding his daughter in his arms ] Now, listen to me, honey.. because I’m going to tell you something very, very important – Time sneaks up on you, honey, like a windshield sneaks up on a bug. Night is one long search for tomorrow. You only have one life to live, you’ve got to live it one day at a time. Does that make any sense to you?
Daughter: [ shakes her head ] No. No! It’s like you haven’t heard a word I’ve said!
Dad: [ laughs ] In one ear, out the other, huh? Liketalking into a brick wall! Spitting into the wind!
Daughter: [ upset ] Dad, will you stop it, please! I mean, youhaven’t said real thing to me tonight! Or my whole life, for that matter!
Dad: Well, maybe not, honey, but that’s water over the dam now.. what’s past is past.. that’s yesterday’s news.. four-day-old fish.. twice-cooked pork..
Daughter: [ furious ] Is that what my pain is to you?! One bigcliche?! Don’t you understand what I’m going through here?! I can’t sustain a meaningful relationship! I can’t hold down a full-time job! I am paralyzed with anxiety and fear most of the time! No one understands what I’m going through! It’s like my life is a whirlpool of despair!
Dad: Uh-oh! Somebody’s being a little sad sack! That’s not the little girl that I know. Come on, I know that there’s a smile in there somewhere.. [ points at her feet ] Oh! I think it’s down in your feet.. oh! Here it comes! [ tickles her tummy ] It’s coming up your leg, over your tummy, up your neck.. oh oh oh! [ tickles her face as she smile ] There it is! I knew it was in there!
Daughter: Oh, Dad, you’re really hopeless. But I love you.
Dad: I love you, too, Tina.
Dad: That’s it!
[ they hug to fade ]