Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 4
John Lithgow’s Monologue
John Lithgow: Thank you, thank you, thanks so much! Thank you, I am John Lithgow, I want to welcome you all and thank you for helping us out. I’m really delighted ot be here. I got here a few nights ago, got straight off the plane from Los Angeles, went straight into a story conference, and ever sicne then I’ve been caught up in the most craziest, most frantic whirlwind of jokes and gags. These guys are out of their minds, I’m telling you. THey didn’t even give me a chance to get over my jet lag.. but they have been very wonderful in helping me just loosen up, relax, and have a good time in preapring for the show.
First of all, I just want to tell you – please, don’t be disappointed that you’re just our dress rehearsal audience. In fact, you’re doing us a tremendous favor here. You know, you’re just being our crowd, while we work out all the last-minute bugs, and.. who knows, you might be lucky – they tell me, half the time, the dress rehearsal goes ten times better than the real show. I know I’m a lot looser now than I’m gonna be three hours from now, I’ll tell you that. I don’t know, it’s something about live television, knowing that millions and millions of people are watching every little move you make! I mean, to me, this is absolutely terrifying!
I think it kind of takes me back to when I was a little boy.. the first stage play I ever acted in. I was one of the little kids in “The King And I”, and when it came time for my first line, I was so paralyzed with nerves and fear, all I could think of to do was launch into “Getting To Know You” at the top of my lungs. hopefully, that’s not going to happen later on this evening! Anyway, just remember all of you, this is a dress rehearsal. A lot of things are bound to go wrong.. but don’t be too hard on us..
Director’s Voice: John? John?
John Lithgow: Yeah?
Director’s Voice: You’re on the air, John.
John Lithgow: Sorry?
Director’s Voice: You are on the air, John
John Lithgow: [ starts laughing ] What did I tell you about these clowns! This is Dave Wilson, he’s our director. All through the rehearsal, he’s going to be..
Director’s Voice: John, we’re live! You are on the air!
John Lithgow: [ looks at his watch ] Davey, it’s 8:37. I do have a wristwatch, you know?
Director’s Voice: That’s L.A. time!
John Lithgow: [ confused ] What?
Director’s Voice: It’s 8:35 in L.A. It’s 11:35 in New York! You never reset your watch!
John Lithgow: [ glances at his watch again, panics, getting nervous ] Get Lorne Michaels out here, please.. [ slowly starts to sing “Getting To Know You”, then engages the audience to sing along joyously ] Thank you all very much, you’ve been a great audience!