Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 5
INT. RESTAURANT NIGHT
[ STEVE & MOLLY have their arms locked, sipping from each others wine glass. After sipping, they smile at one another. KATHY THE WAITRESS brings two entrees in her hand. ]
Kathy: Steve, your steak aupoi.
[ Kathy places Steves plate before him. ]
Steve: Oh, thank you.
Kathy: And Molly, your duck ala ronge.
[ Kathy places Mollys plate before her. ]
Molly: Oh, thank you, Kathy, so much.
Steve: Yes, yes, it looks delicious!
Kathy: Well happy anniversary!
Steve: Aww! Thank you.
Molly: Thats very nice.
[ Kathy moves to another table. Molly caresses Steves left shoulder. Steves looking at the back of Kathys thighs. ]
Molly: Oh I can tell shes your type.
[ Steve guffaws for a beat or two. ]
Steve: Oh, honey, you knew I always was a leg man. Just something about the back of a womans leg, just below the knee that makes me —
[ Steve convulses in excitement. ]
Molly: I know. Well, well youve always been quirky that way.
Steve: Well, well, you should just know about very quirk there is to know about me.
Molly: And how
[ Steve cocks his head high. ]
Steve: Um, excuse me!?
[ A WAITER ENTERS. ]
Steve: Could I have a steak knife please?
[ The waiter nods. ]
Waiter: Yes, sir! Right away!
Molly: You know Steve whats wonderful about us is after eight years, besides being in love, were really best friends.
Steve: Yeah and that is so rare. I think its because we know each other so well.
Molly: Exactly. I dont think theres anything in your inner most thoughts that could surprise or shock me because we know each other so well.
[ Steve drinking wine and holds his breath for a few moments. ]
Steve: Well heres something. I, I, I dont know why Im bringing it up. Oh, its silly. No, I really shouldnt.
Molly: No, no, no. Cmon, what is it?
[ Steve & Molly both sip wine. ]
Steve: Why not!? I sometimes have this fantasy that you die.
[ Steve sips some more wine. ]
Steve: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Molly: Gosh that, thats kind of quirky. How, uh, how exactly do I die?
Steve: Well I dont know. Sometimes I think I think it would be sadder if you suffered a long, lingering death. Then other times, you go like that!
[ Steve snaps his fingers. ]
Steve: Youre walking by a construction site and big crane falls on you or something. Everyone would come to the funeral. See me with little Jason & Jennifer and think, Poor Steve.
Molly: Oh, honey.
Steve: How your sister comes down from Vermont to look after the kids? But I dont think thats right for her. Deidres always had a life of her own and never liked the city anyway. The only solution though is one of those 18-19 year-old au pair girls from Sweden. Yeah one of those girls who would jump at any opportunity to spend a year or two in America. She comes over, takes care of the kids, and my career progresses along smoothly.
[ Steve sips some wine. ]
Molly: Does she cook!?
Steve: Oh, sure! Great cook!
Molly: What does she cook?
Steve: Spetzel. Its a special noodle, kind of dumpling thing. Oh, the kids love it! You should see them —
[ Steve bangs his utensils on the table. ]
Steve: More spetzel! More spetzel! Then there, of course, would be the inevitable attraction between me and Uli. We fight it for as long as we can, of course. But then, one night, Jason has the croup. And Ulis sitting up with him and I come and set up the steam tent, and then Jason falls asleep. I dont know Its just becomes silly ignoring these feelings. We make love and it changes everything.
The kids notice it, everything becomes awkward, and it would just be better if Uli left. Through my connections at the office, I get her started on a very, lucrative modeling career then I meet all her modeling friends. They come over to the house and they see little Jason & Jennifer. And they see you picture up on the mantle and they think, Poor Steve.
[ Steve gets lost in thought and then gulps a large taste of wine. Molly stares vacantly at him. ]
Molly: You know, Steve Youve clearly done a lot of thinking about this.
Steve: No Oh, cmon! You know Im too busy to sit around and think whatd be like if you died. Well maybe on the train on the way to work in the morning and on the way home at night. And maybe, when someone puts me on hold at the office, but its not like I suit around going, Okay, now Im going to imagine whatd be like if Molly was dead. Cmon! You know I want you to live out your natural life. Cmon, Im surprised youre taking it like this — I thought we were friends.
Molly: I think Im reacting perfectly normally.
Steve: Honey, you are so sensitive. Okay, here, tell me, something anything. Dont you sometimes think of another man when were making love?
Steve: Oh, come on, Mol - everybody does it!
Molly: I dont.
Molly: Im perfectly happy sleeping with you.
Molly: Why? Do you sometimes fantasize about other women when were in bed?
Steve: I dont know Deidre.
Molly: My sister!?!?
Steve: Well, she looks like you!
Molly: Oh, honey!! I cant believe this!
[ Molly gets up from the table and Steve grabs her hand to prevent her from leaving. The waiter returns wielding a steak knife in his hand. ]
Waiter: Heres you steak knife, sir.
[ Molly runs right into the knife. Steve gets up from his seat as Molly falls to the ground. ]
Waiter: Ive stabbed her!
[ Steve holds Mollys body in his hands on the floor. ]
Waiter: Shes dead! Im sorry — its my first night.
[ The waiter wails. ]
Kathy: What happened?
Steve: This is terrible. I feel responsible. If only I hadnt
[ Steve and Kathys eyes lock. ]
Kathy: Poor Steve
[ Steve turns his head away and is frozen in the moment. He jaw drops as he ponders the future. The CAMERA ZOOMS OUT to show other patrons eating; others view Mollys body. The waiters still wailing as a WIDE SHOT of STUDIO 8H shows a camera crane rising higher and other camera operators still filming. ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs