Tom Hank’s Monologue
Don Pardo: Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Hanks!
[Tom walks out, causing much audience applause]
Tom Hanks: Thanks so much for coming to the show. This, this really is a dream come true for me, because, like, like many of you, I was a child of the 70’s, and watching the show was just a ritualistic part of life. I was back in college you know, and every Saturday night I’d watch the show and I’d sit there and think, “Someday. Someday, I’m gonna watch this show on my own TV”. And, uh, about six years later that dream came true. Then, the next dream was to be here, be part of the studio audience, be part of the show. But, I didn’t live in New York, and I couldn’t afford to fly up. There was also a problem – they said I killed a guy, they wouldn’t allow me to stay. It was a little mix-up, got all taken care of.
Well, now I’m hosting the show, and I gotta admit, it’s, um, a little disappointing, mainly because I’d really like to be able to watch myself doing the show live. Now, I’ve got a VCR at home, I got myself on plenty of video tapes, many of them standing up, most of them with my clothes on, uh, but it’s just, uh, it’s just not the same —
[Notices a monitor offstage and walks over to it, and begins watching himself doing the show live]
Yeah, that’s great! Yeah, hey, yeah, I’m uh Tom Hanks, maybe you saw me in “Splash”?
[Moves so that the camera can get the monitor to show him watching the camera watching the camera, watching the camera, so that shots of the scene are on each monitor on the monitor’s screen]
This really isn’t makin’ it, does anyone have a mirror, like a makeup mirror?
[Goes to a woman in the audience and takes her purse, and gets a small mirror out of it]
Ah, I’ve seen all that stuff before, thank you, I’ll give this right back
[Heads back to the monitor, and stands next to it while watching himself in the mirror]
Oh yeah, that’s me!
“It’s an invitation, across the nation!”
Yeah, this really is a dream come true!
“A chance for foes to meet!”
We got Sade, Steven Wright, thanks for comin’, we’ll be right back!
[Continues singing as the camera pans out].
Thanks to Larry Petit for this transcript!