Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 5
INT. CAROLS COMEDY CLUB BACKSTAGE NIGHT
[ BOB, in blazer, tie & jeans, views the stage floor from a door. ]
Paul (V/O): So, hows he doing?
[ Bob walks away from the door and to the coffee pot. He pours himself a cup. PAUL, dressed the same as Bob but in different colors, circles around Bob then stops. ]
Paul: So anyway, the guy comes up with the French fries and I think, Hey! Why are they called French fries!? I mean, what makes them French!?
Bob: I mean theyre not made in France!
Paul: No way!! And hey, French Toast!? Same deal!
Bob: I mean I make it in my kitchen!
Paul: Me, too!!
Bob: Hey! Why dont we just call it kitchen toast!?
Paul: Yeah!! What I want to know is — whats the big deal with French bread!?
Bob: Hey, what do you mean!?
Paul: Hey! Its the same deal as Italian bread! But what does that mean!? Does that mean the French bread is the same as Italian bread!!?? I want to know!!
[ KEITH, dressed like the other two comedians, strolls on in. ]
Bob: Hey! Its Keith!
Keith: Hey! Hows everybody doing tonight!?
Paul: Thats right!
Keith: Its great to be here!
Paul: Hey! Great! So excuse me, everybody? Hey! Im going to have a cup of Java! Keith!?
Keith: Hey Paul! No, thanks!
Bob: So, Keith! Babe! Whats new!?
Keith: I just flew in from the coast! And I was thinking, hey, I left L.A. at 12 oclock! The flight takes five hours! But when I land, its 8PM! I mean, hey, Where did those 3 hours go! I dont know about you, but I gotta wonder!
[ Pauls holding a quart of milk. ]
Paul: I hate to interrupt, but look at this 99% fat-free milk! Wheres the other one percent!? I mean, hey back to your story!
[ Paul goes away. ]
Keith: So, what Im wondering is if I lost three hours, why did I go!!
Bob: Hey! Maybe you should just fly back!?
Keith: What if I cant fly West!? I mean, hey, what if I flew West for the next six months!? By the time I landed, Id be a little kid!
[ Paul carries a coffee mug in his hand. ]
Paul: Hey! Did you hear about Bill? Hes in the hospital.
Bob: Hey! Bill from The Laugh Shack!?
Paul: Yeah! It seems hes got something wrong with his kidney!
Bob: Oh, hey! Thats too bad!
Keith: Yeah! Thats a real shame!
Bob: Yeah! He was looking a little sick! I was wondering, Whats the matter!?
[ Pauls silent for a moment. ]
Paul: Hey! Whats the matter with those guys on “Miami Vice”!? Those guys never wear any socks! I mean, guys, Whats the big deal!? You imagine what those top-siders smell like!? Think about it!? Thats bare skin on leather!
Bob: Hey! You know what I hate!? Losing socks in the laundry!
Keith: Hey! How bout laundry lint!? I mean, I never see that lint on my clothes! I mean, hey, Where does it come from!?
Bob: Hey! Maybe its just a shredded up sock!? I mean, hey, ever notice the lints the same color as the missing sock!?
Paul: And then the other socks get lonely! Hey! Maybe thats why they cling on you!?
Bob: Hey! And what about that “Star Trek”!?
[ Paul opens the stage door to fainting applause. ]
Paul: Hey! Bob, it looks like youre up! And hey, hot crowd!
Bob: Hey! I feel real pumped!
Keith: Hey! Break a leg!
Paul: Hey! Sprain a kneecap!
Bob: Thanks! And hey, I hope you dont mind!? Im going to use that French Toast bit!
[ Bob points to Paul and exits. ]
Paul: Hey! Wait a minute! Thats my bit!
Keith: Hey! Thats his closing bit!
Paul: Hey! I was going to use that on Carson in three weeks!
Paul: Hey! I got to call my manager!
[ Paul picks up the payphone receiver and starts bickering without putting any coins into the top. Keith sticks his arms out and shouts from the stage door. ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs