SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 12/14/85: The Stand-Ups

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 11: Episode 5

85e: Tom Hanks / Sade

The Stand-Ups

Paul…..Tom Hanks
Bob…..Jon Lovitz
Keith…..Damon Wayans



[ BOB, in blazer, tie & jeans, views the stage floor from a door. ]

Paul (V/O): So, how’s he doing?

Bob: Good.

[ Bob walks away from the door and to the coffee pot. He pours himself a cup. PAUL, dressed the same as Bob but in different colors, circles around Bob then stops. ]

Paul: So anyway, the guy comes up with the French fries and I think, “Hey! Why are they called French fries!? I mean, what makes them French!?”

Bob: I mean… they’re not made in France!

Paul: No way!! And hey, French Toast!? Same deal!

Bob: I mean I make it in my kitchen!

Paul: Me, too!!

Bob: Hey! Why don’t we just call it kitchen toast!?

Paul: Yeah!! What I want to know is — what’s the big deal with French bread!?

Bob: Hey, what do you mean!?

Paul: Hey! It’s the same deal as Italian bread! But what does that mean!? Does that mean… the French bread is the same as Italian bread!!?? I want to know!!

[ KEITH, dressed like the other two comedians, strolls on in. ]

Bob: Hey! It’s Keith!

Paul: Keith!

Keith: Hey! How’s everybody doing tonight!?

Bob: Okay!

Paul: That’s right!

Keith: It’s great to be here!

Bob: Hey!

Paul: Hey! Great! So… excuse me, everybody? Hey! I’m going to have a cup of Java! Keith!?

Keith: Hey Paul! No, thanks!

Bob: So, Keith! Babe! What’s new!?

Keith: I just flew in from the coast! And I was thinking, hey, “I left L.A. at 12 o’clock! The flight takes five hours! But when I land, it’s 8PM!” I mean, hey, “Where did those 3 hours go!” I don’t know about you, but I gotta wonder!

Paul: Hey!

Keith: Paul!?

[ Paul’s holding a quart of milk. ]

Paul: I hate to interrupt, but look at this… 99% fat-free milk! Where’s the other one percent!? I mean, hey… back to your story!

[ Paul goes away. ]

Keith: So, what I’m wondering is… if I lost three hours, why did I go!!

Bob: Hey! Maybe you should just fly back!?

Keith: What if I can’t fly West!? I mean, hey, what if I flew West for the next six months!? By the time I landed, I’d be a little kid!

[ Paul carries a coffee mug in his hand. ]

Paul: Hey! Did you hear about Bill? He’s in the hospital.

Bob: Hey! Bill from The Laugh Shack!?

Paul: Yeah! It seems he’s got something wrong with his kidney!

Bob: Oh, hey! That’s too bad!

Keith: Yeah! That’s a real shame!

Bob: Yeah! He was looking a little sick! I was wondering, “What’s the matter!?”

[ Paul’s silent for a moment. ]

Paul: Hey! What’s the matter with those guys on “Miami Vice”!? Those guys never wear any socks! I mean, guys, “What’s the big deal!?” You imagine what those top-siders smell like!? Think about it!? That’s bare skin on leather!

Bob: Hey! You know what I hate!? Losing socks in the laundry!

Keith: Hey! How ‘bout laundry lint!? I mean, I never see that lint on my clothes! I mean, hey, “Where does it come from!?”

Bob: Hey! Maybe it’s just a shredded up sock!? I mean, hey, ever notice the lint’s the same color as the missing sock!?

Paul: And then the other socks get lonely! Hey! Maybe that’s why they cling on you!?

Bob: Hey! And what about that “Star Trek”!?

[ Paul opens the stage door to fainting applause. ]

Paul: Hey! Bob, it looks like you’re up! And hey, hot crowd!

Bob: Hey! I feel real pumped!

Keith: Hey! Break a leg!

Paul: Hey! Sprain a kneecap!

Bob: Thanks! And hey, I hope you don’t mind!? I’m going to use that French Toast bit!

Paul: Hey!

[ Bob points to Paul and exits. ]

Bob: Hey!

Paul: Hey! Wait a minute! That’s my bit!

Keith: Hey! That’s his closing bit!

Paul: Hey! I was going to use that on Carson in three weeks!

Keith: Hey!

Paul: Hey! I got to call my manager!

[ Paul picks up the payphone receiver and starts bickering without putting any coins into the top. Keith sticks his arms out and shouts from the stage door. ]


Submitted by: Cody Downs

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