SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 12/14/85: The Stand-Ups


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 11: Episode 5

85e: Tom Hanks / Sade

The Stand-Ups

Paul…..Tom Hanks
Bob…..Jon Lovitz
Keith…..Damon Wayans



[ BOB, in blazer, tie & jeans, views the stage floor from a door. ]

Paul (V/O): So, how’s he doing?

Bob: Good.

[ Bob walks away from the door and to the coffee pot. He pours himself a cup. PAUL, dressed the same as Bob but in different colors, circles around Bob then stops. ]

Paul: So anyway, the guy comes up with the French fries and I think, “Hey! Why are they called French fries!? I mean, what makes them French!?”

Bob: I mean… they’re not made in France!

Paul: No way!! And hey, French Toast!? Same deal!

Bob: I mean I make it in my kitchen!

Paul: Me, too!!

Bob: Hey! Why don’t we just call it kitchen toast!?

Paul: Yeah!! What I want to know is — what’s the big deal with French bread!?

Bob: Hey, what do you mean!?

Paul: Hey! It’s the same deal as Italian bread! But what does that mean!? Does that mean… the French bread is the same as Italian bread!!?? I want to know!!

[ KEITH, dressed like the other two comedians, strolls on in. ]

Bob: Hey! It’s Keith!

Paul: Keith!

Keith: Hey! How’s everybody doing tonight!?

Bob: Okay!

Paul: That’s right!

Keith: It’s great to be here!

Bob: Hey!

Paul: Hey! Great! So… excuse me, everybody? Hey! I’m going to have a cup of Java! Keith!?

Keith: Hey Paul! No, thanks!

Bob: So, Keith! Babe! What’s new!?

Keith: I just flew in from the coast! And I was thinking, hey, “I left L.A. at 12 o’clock! The flight takes five hours! But when I land, it’s 8PM!” I mean, hey, “Where did those 3 hours go!” I don’t know about you, but I gotta wonder!

Paul: Hey!

Keith: Paul!?

[ Paul’s holding a quart of milk. ]

Paul: I hate to interrupt, but look at this… 99% fat-free milk! Where’s the other one percent!? I mean, hey… back to your story!

[ Paul goes away. ]

Keith: So, what I’m wondering is… if I lost three hours, why did I go!!

Bob: Hey! Maybe you should just fly back!?

Keith: What if I can’t fly West!? I mean, hey, what if I flew West for the next six months!? By the time I landed, I’d be a little kid!

[ Paul carries a coffee mug in his hand. ]

Paul: Hey! Did you hear about Bill? He’s in the hospital.

Bob: Hey! Bill from The Laugh Shack!?

Paul: Yeah! It seems he’s got something wrong with his kidney!

Bob: Oh, hey! That’s too bad!

Keith: Yeah! That’s a real shame!

Bob: Yeah! He was looking a little sick! I was wondering, “What’s the matter!?”

[ Paul’s silent for a moment. ]

Paul: Hey! What’s the matter with those guys on “Miami Vice”!? Those guys never wear any socks! I mean, guys, “What’s the big deal!?” You imagine what those top-siders smell like!? Think about it!? That’s bare skin on leather!

Bob: Hey! You know what I hate!? Losing socks in the laundry!

Keith: Hey! How ‘bout laundry lint!? I mean, I never see that lint on my clothes! I mean, hey, “Where does it come from!?”

Bob: Hey! Maybe it’s just a shredded up sock!? I mean, hey, ever notice the lint’s the same color as the missing sock!?

Paul: And then the other socks get lonely! Hey! Maybe that’s why they cling on you!?

Bob: Hey! And what about that “Star Trek”!?

[ Paul opens the stage door to fainting applause. ]

Paul: Hey! Bob, it looks like you’re up! And hey, hot crowd!

Bob: Hey! I feel real pumped!

Keith: Hey! Break a leg!

Paul: Hey! Sprain a kneecap!

Bob: Thanks! And hey, I hope you don’t mind!? I’m going to use that French Toast bit!

Paul: Hey!

[ Bob points to Paul and exits. ]

Bob: Hey!

Paul: Hey! Wait a minute! That’s my bit!

Keith: Hey! That’s his closing bit!

Paul: Hey! I was going to use that on Carson in three weeks!

Keith: Hey!

Paul: Hey! I got to call my manager!

[ Paul picks up the payphone receiver and starts bickering without putting any coins into the top. Keith sticks his arms out and shouts from the stage door. ]


Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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