Weekend Update with Dennis Miller


Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

… Dennis Miller
Mr. X … Don Novello

[TEASER:] [SUPER: COMING UP NEXT – Video of an airport employeecarrying a blue suitcase — a zealous dog hangs fromthe luggage by its mouth. The dog is then seenwrestling the suitcase on the ground.]

Don Pardo V/O: Coming up on Weekend Update: theReagans get a new dog! …

[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:] [A Statue of Liberty, standing against a red-hued sky,holds a GE light bulb in its upraised arm. SUPER:WEEKEND UPDATE / DENNIS MILLER]

Music Intro: Theme from TV series”Bonanza”

Don Pardo V/O: Now, “Weekend Update” withanchorperson, Dennis Miller.

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to an unusuallysedate Dennis sitting at the WU desk with his penciland sheaf of news bulletins.]

Dennis Miller: Well, thank you. Thank you, all.You’re having my baby.

Tonight’s top story– Well, Paul Castellano was let goby the parent company earlier this week. Anonymoussources cite creative differences as the reason forthe abrupt dismissal which took place at curb leveloutside the Spark Steak House on Manhattan’s EastSide. That’s the Spark Steak House where beef is thespecialty of the house but, occasionally you’ll hearthe word “duck” bandied about. …

Earlier this week, Governor Mario Cuomo said there’sno such thing as the Mafia. Yeah, this is the kind ofguy you want in the White House, huh? …

We’ll have more on this Mafia story later in thenewscast.

That big General Electric-RCA takeover deal has hit asnag. GE has stopped payment on its 6.28 billiondollar check saying they didn’t know NBC was cancelingRobert Blake’s “Helltown” series. … GE says, “NoHelltown, no deal, no six billion dollars.”…

Here are the results of our most recent Weekend Updatepoll. We asked fourteen hundred Americans all acrossthe country, “What’s the deal?” Fifty-two percent of’em said they didn’t know what the deal was.Forty-five percent wondered if we could rephrase thequestion. And four percent thought we were talking tothe person in back of them. …

Authorities in Connecticut say that a squirrel mayhave caused the power outage that cut off electricityto over two hundred thousand homes last night.[Doctored photo of a tree full of electricalappliances.] Officials say the squirrel plugged in toomany appliances at the same time … tripping circuitbreakers throughout the state. No charges have beenfiled against the squirrel because, after all, comeon, he IS a squirrel. …

Doctors conclusively proved today that television starLeonard Nimoy is actually a space alien named Spock…. The report was completed after extensive physicaltests and careful scrutiny of Mr. Nimoy’s poetry. …Paramount Pictures also announced that Mr.Nimoy-slash-Spock would not appear in the next “StarTrek” film. The character of Spock, however, willappear in the film portrayed by ABC News White Housecorrespondent Sam Donaldson. [Side by side photos ofLeonard Nimoy as Spock and the Vulcan-like SamDonaldson] … [cheers and applause, Dennis runs hishand through his hair] Yeah, I love Sam’swork.

The National Board of Education’s “Write the Script toRocky IV Before You See the Movie” contest had to becanceled this week when seventeen hundred andfifty-two entries tied for first place … correctlyduplicating the written screenplay right down to thelast comma.

A sad note. The staff of Weekend Update has justlearned of the passing of one of our nation’s greatestpresidents — George Washington. Once again, GeorgeWashington, dead, in 1799. …

Continuing our coverage of the recent Mafia killing,we here at Weekend Update have come across a personwho has links to the underworld who wishes to be aninformant. We have promised him that we would protecthis identity by covering his eyes and we will refer tohim only as “Mr. X.” [turns to a mustachioed Italianman seated beside him] Hello, Mr. X. Now, I understandthat–

Mr. X: [thick Italian accent] That – that isnot-a my real name, Mr. X. It’s just a disguise name.

Dennis Miller: Mm hm.

Mr. X: I don’t even have an X in my name.

Dennis Miller: Okay. [clears throat] Weunderstand that and we also understand you have astatement you wish to make.

Mr. X: That’s right. I would like to make astatement. … [A small black rectangle issuperimposed over Mr. X’s eyes but fails to concealhis identity as, almost every time he moves his headslightly, his eyes appear on camera. Throughout thesketch, the camera operator struggles to keep Mr. X’seyes covered by the rectangle. Mr. X reads:] “Lastyear, upon the graduation with honors, almost, fromthe Mafia Training School, I was offered a job with-athe Tartuffe family and they offered-a me a job as atrainee for three hundred dollars a week. But theydidn’t pay me that much. They said they would but theydidn’t do it. And they said I would be Mafioso traineebut they made-a me work in-a the mail room. And otherjobs worse-a than that. And I’m a graduate of theMafia Training School!”

Dennis Miller: That’s it? That’s–? That’s allyou have to say? Just that? That they didn’t pay youenough for–?

Mr. X: They did – They did pay me three hundreddollars — for one week. But then they loweredmy salary. They gave me less just because of onelittle mistake. So that was it. One littlemistake.

Dennis Miller: Well, what was themistake?

Mr. X: Well, I took a– First-a job they gaveme was as a chauffeur. And it wasn’t -was not achauffeur for Don Tartuffe, was a chauffeur for hiswife, Mrs. Tartuffe. She had to go to this lodgemeeting. Eleanor Duse-a Lodge. She said that she wouldbe one hour — one hour only, that’s it. I waited formore than an hour. I went for just a cup o’ coffee.You know what I mean? I come back. She was-a gone. Allof the women was gone. And I thought, I gotta go homeand tell Don Tartuffe, you know, that I lost his wife.Maybe she would-a be kidnapped, I didn’t know whathappened.

Dennis Miller: Well, was she kidnapped? I mean,what happened?

Mr. X: No. She was-a home. She took a cab home.She left without me! That’s what-a she did. She said Ididn’t wait for her. She didn’t wait for ME!

Dennis Miller: I’ll bet you Don Tartuffe wasmad.

Mr. X: No, no, he was not mad at all. Wasunbelievable. He was-a very calm, you know? He justlooks at me, he says, “What time do you get to workin-a the morning?” I said, “Oh, ten, ten-thirty,eleven o’clock,” you know, right in there. He says tome, “Tomorrow, I want you here at eight o’clock. And,”he says to me, “And — wear old clothes.” They made meassistant for the gardener! And then he made me cleanout his garage and I’m a graduate of the MafiaTraining School. That’s what-a they did to me.

Dennis Miller: Wait a second, X. That’s it? Ithought you were gonna name names here.

Mr. X: I could name-a names. Giorgio the Face.I name him by name. He’s the right hand of DonTartuffe. Giorgio the Face, write that down, Giorgiothe Face.

Dennis Miller: [can’t find his pencil rightaway] Mafia stole my pen. What – what about him? Didyou – did you see him commit any crime? Did he dosomethin’?

Mr. X: Well, Dennis, he push-a me. Two times,two times he push-a. Not one time. Two times. And,another time, he hollers at me in front of all of theother men and everything, he hollers at me.

Dennis Miller: Now, Mr. X, I just don’t thinkthese people are terribly interested in your personalproblems. I mean, come on, how’s about this recentmurder? Do you know anything about that?

Mr. X: I seen it.

Dennis Miller: You saw it? You were a witness?You were there?

Mr. X: No, I wasn’t there. I seen it ontelevision. It was on all of the stations. All ofthe– And I seen it on Nightline. Ted Koppel. I namehim by name — Ted Koppel. Was his name. Red hair. Putthat down.

Dennis Miller: Koppel with a “K,” right, hm?Come on, Mr. X, I think we all saw it on television. Ithought perhaps you had some inside information. Maybeyou know why he was killed, huh?

Mr. X: Why?

Dennis Miller: Yeah, why.

Mr. X: Sure, I know why.

Dennis Miller: Well, what’s the story?

Mr. X: Somebody was mad at him. Somebody wasmad and then they shoot him. That’s what itwas.

Dennis Miller: Yeah. Well, thank you, Mr. X.I’m sure we all feel a little more informed on thepressing facts. Thank you for your knowledge.

Mr. X: Giorgio the Face, remember that!

Dennis Miller: [writes it down] Giorgio theFace.

Mr. X: Giorgio the Face!

[Cheers and applause for Mr. X.]

Dennis Miller: Mr. X. Mr. X, a veritable fountof Mafia information.

This just in: Godot finally showed up. … He was rudeand we asked him to leave. …

Well, that’s the news. And guess what? I’m out o’here. Have a merry Christmas. Thank you verymuch.

[Cheers, applause and John Williams’ theme from the1978 movie “Superman” as we pull back and fadeaway.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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