Herb Makes A Statement

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Herb Makes A Statement

…..Dennis Miller
Herb…..Randy Quaid


[ open on a crowd people chanting “We Want Herb!!” at a press conference ]

Dennis Miller: We’re here, live, at New York’s Sheraton Center for a press conference, called by Burger King, where the legendary Herb will make his first public appearance. There’s an air of excitement here, as we all wait for Herb – yes, the mysterious Herb, the only man in America who’s never had a Burger King Whopper. Here he comes.. let’s watch!

[ Herb is wheeled out in a wheelchair by Burger King officals, who hand him a microphone ] [ SUPER: “Herb” ]

Herb: Hello, my name is Herb. I have asked for the opportunity to address you toda,y so that I can set the record straight as to why I have never had a Burger King Whopper.

[ reads text ]

“About 12 years ago, I made my first visit ever to a fast food restaurant, in this case, a competitor of Burger King. I had been playing basketball all morning, and had worked up quite an appetite, so I ordered a large Coke, fries, and a special cheeseburger. I had no problem with the fries or the Coke, but when I bit into the cheeseburger, my body went into a severe state of anaflectic shock; an extreme allergic reaction to the glue, which this particular fast food chain used to hold its hamburgers together during lengthy cross-country shipping. When I awoke in the hospital several hours later, I was informed by the doctors that I would be confined to a wheelchair, probably for life. Ever since that experience, I have felt uncomfortable about eating at any fast food restaurant, and have suffered from a phobia, probably unwarranted, that my first bite of a Whopper might prove fatal. It is for this reason, and this reason alone, that I have never had a Burger King Whopper. I wish to stress that I bear the fast food industry no ill will for what has happened to me. I have the highest regard for the Burger King Corporation, and understand that Burger King is involved in many worthwhile civic projects. I do ask, however, that in the name of simple decency, that I be spared the incessant negative publicity and invasion of my privacy, which their advertising campaign has generated, and that I be allowed to live out the remainder of my life in peace. Taht is all I have to say, thank you for listening.

[ camera pans out across the reporters, as Herb is wheeled away ]

Dennis Miller: Well, uh.. there you have it folks.. Herb. The only man in America who hs never had a.. Burger King Whopper. [ a note is handed to Dennis ] Well, this just in.. [ reads note ] Well, here’s some good news – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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