Jack’s Discount Emporium

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Jack’s Discount Emporium

Jack…..Jon Lovitz
Abraham Lincoln…..Terry Sweeney
George Washington…..Dennis Miller
Sitting Bull….Randy Quaid
Sherlock Holmes…..Jim Downey
Tarzan…..Robert Downey, Jr.
Announcer…..Don Pardo


[newspaper with headline “Martin Luther King Jr.’s BirthdaySale-abration” spins onto screen]

Announcer [V/O]:  It’s a Martin Luther King Jr.’s BirthdaySale-abration!

[wipe to Jack, a man wearing a plaid jacket and tie.  He is standingbehind a counter with assorted merchandise in front of racks of linensmarked “Sale”]

Jack:  Hey, this is Jack of Jack’s Discount Emporium sayingcome on down to the Martin Luther King Jr.’s Birthday WhiteSale!  [Flashing super: WHITE SALE!]  This Monday, January20th, we shall overcome high prices!  Mine eyes have seenthe glory of Phil Blass, Laura Ashley and Perry Ellis bedspreads forthe low, low price of $19.99!  [Flashing super: $19.99]  That’sonly $19.99!

[wipe to Abraham Lincoln impersonater in front of white brick wallset]

Lincoln:  Four score and seven — [Washington impersonatorwalks up beside him]  George Washington?!?

Washington:  I cannot tell a Lie, Abe!  I’m going to Jack’sWarehouse Outlet Sale for the Martin Luther King Jr. Birthday WhiteSale!

[wipe back to Jack, hands together at the side of his head]

Jack:  I have a dream!  You wanted quality linens [holdsup merchandise] at the lowest prices in town!

[wipe back to brick wall set, now with Sherlock Holmes and Sitting Bullimpersonators standing in front of it]

Sitting Bull:  [raises left hand] How…how…how do they doit?

Sherlock Holmes:  [removes pipe from mouth]  Elementary,my dear Sitting Bull.  Low overhead means low prices!

[wipe back to Jack]

Jack:  [hands above eyes]  I have seen the otherside of the mountain!  [lowers hands]  And the prices are way,way higher!  So march on down to the King!  King!  KingSized savings at Jack’s Warehouse Emporium!

[dissolve to graphic of store with address super]

Announcer [V/O]:  Jack’s Discount Emporium, Route 23Dempster.

[Dissolve to brick wall set with Tarzan impersonator standing infront]

Off-stage voice:  Hey Tarzan!  You comin’ ornot?

Tarzan:  [“Tarzan Yell”, beats chest] [applause and fade]

Thanks to Ben Douwsma for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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