Jack’s Discount Emporium

Jack’s Discount Emporium

Jack…..Jon Lovitz
Abraham Lincoln…..Terry Sweeney
George Washington…..Dennis Miller
Sitting Bull….Randy Quaid
Sherlock Holmes…..Jim Downey
Tarzan…..Robert Downey, Jr.
Announcer…..Don Pardo

[newspaper with headline “Martin Luther King Jr.’s BirthdaySale-abration” spins onto screen]

Announcer [V/O]:  It’s a Martin Luther King Jr.’s BirthdaySale-abration!

[wipe to Jack, a man wearing a plaid jacket and tie.  He is standingbehind a counter with assorted merchandise in front of racks of linensmarked “Sale”]

Jack:  Hey, this is Jack of Jack’s Discount Emporium sayingcome on down to the Martin Luther King Jr.’s Birthday WhiteSale!  [Flashing super: WHITE SALE!]  This Monday, January20th, we shall overcome high prices!  Mine eyes have seenthe glory of Phil Blass, Laura Ashley and Perry Ellis bedspreads forthe low, low price of $19.99!  [Flashing super: $19.99]  That’sonly $19.99!

[wipe to Abraham Lincoln impersonater in front of white brick wallset]

Lincoln:  Four score and seven — [Washington impersonatorwalks up beside him]  George Washington?!?

Washington:  I cannot tell a Lie, Abe!  I’m going to Jack’sWarehouse Outlet Sale for the Martin Luther King Jr. Birthday WhiteSale!

[wipe back to Jack, hands together at the side of his head]

Jack:  I have a dream!  You wanted quality linens [holdsup merchandise] at the lowest prices in town!

[wipe back to brick wall set, now with Sherlock Holmes and Sitting Bullimpersonators standing in front of it]

Sitting Bull:  [raises left hand] How…how…how do they doit?

Sherlock Holmes:  [removes pipe from mouth]  Elementary,my dear Sitting Bull.  Low overhead means low prices!

[wipe back to Jack]

Jack:  [hands above eyes]  I have seen the otherside of the mountain!  [lowers hands]  And the prices are way,way higher!  So march on down to the King!  King!  KingSized savings at Jack’s Warehouse Emporium!

[dissolve to graphic of store with address super]

Announcer [V/O]:  Jack’s Discount Emporium, Route 23Dempster.

[Dissolve to brick wall set with Tarzan impersonator standing infront]

Off-stage voice:  Hey Tarzan!  You comin’ ornot?

Tarzan:  [“Tarzan Yell”, beats chest] [applause and fade]

Thanks to Ben Douwsma for this transcript!

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