Jack’s Discount Emporium
Jack…..Jon Lovitz
Abraham Lincoln…..Terry Sweeney
George Washington…..Dennis Miller
Sitting Bull….Randy Quaid
Sherlock Holmes…..Jim Downey
Tarzan…..Robert Downey, Jr.
Announcer…..Don Pardo
[newspaper with headline “Martin Luther King Jr.’s BirthdaySale-abration” spins onto screen]
Announcer [V/O]: It’s a Martin Luther King Jr.’s BirthdaySale-abration!
[wipe to Jack, a man wearing a plaid jacket and tie. He is standingbehind a counter with assorted merchandise in front of racks of linensmarked “Sale”]Jack: Hey, this is Jack of Jack’s Discount Emporium sayingcome on down to the Martin Luther King Jr.’s Birthday WhiteSale! [Flashing super: WHITE SALE!] This Monday, January20th, we shall overcome high prices! Mine eyes have seenthe glory of Phil Blass, Laura Ashley and Perry Ellis bedspreads forthe low, low price of $19.99! [Flashing super: $19.99] That’sonly $19.99!
[wipe to Abraham Lincoln impersonater in front of white brick wallset]Lincoln: Four score and seven — [Washington impersonatorwalks up beside him] George Washington?!?
Washington: I cannot tell a Lie, Abe! I’m going to Jack’sWarehouse Outlet Sale for the Martin Luther King Jr. Birthday WhiteSale!
[wipe back to Jack, hands together at the side of his head]Jack: I have a dream! You wanted quality linens [holdsup merchandise] at the lowest prices in town!
[wipe back to brick wall set, now with Sherlock Holmes and Sitting Bullimpersonators standing in front of it]Sitting Bull: [raises left hand] How…how…how do they doit?
Sherlock Holmes: [removes pipe from mouth] Elementary,my dear Sitting Bull. Low overhead means low prices!
Jack: [hands above eyes] I have seen the otherside of the mountain! [lowers hands] And the prices are way,way higher! So march on down to the King! King! KingSized savings at Jack’s Warehouse Emporium!
[dissolve to graphic of store with address super]Announcer [V/O]: Jack’s Discount Emporium, Route 23Dempster.
[Dissolve to brick wall set with Tarzan impersonator standing infront]Off-stage voice: Hey Tarzan! You comin’ ornot?
Tarzan: [“Tarzan Yell”, beats chest] [applause and fade]
Thanks to Ben Douwsma for this transcript!
