SNL Transcripts: Dudley Moore: 01/25/86: Miss Pregnant Teenage America Pageant


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 8

85h: Dudley Moore / Al Green

Miss Pregnant Teenage America Pageant

Roman Polanski…..Dudley Moore
Joan Collins…..Terry Sweeney
Cabrini Green Jackson…..Danitra Vance
Tammy Whitborough…..Joan Cusack
Terry Guthrie…..Robert Downey Jr.
Donna Marie Kelsey…..Nora Dunn

[ Still shot of city at night, over the theme music. SUPER: “Detroit, Michigan” ]

Don Pardo V/O: Live, from the Louise Mandrell Pavilion in Detroit, 51 of America’s most beautiful pregnant teenagers vie for the title of … [ the program’s logo appears ] Miss Pregnant Teenage America! And here’s your host, Roman Polanski!

[ Fade to Roman on center stage in front of a curtain ]

Roman Polanski: [ Germanic accent ] Velcome. You can literally feel ze excitement here at de Mandrell Pavilion. You know, every girl here is a vinner in her own right. [ chuckles ] And it’s gonna be an almost impossible task choosing this year’s Miss Pregnant Teenage America. We started vit fifty-vun girls early this veek, but uh, yesterday, Miss Tennesee, Rhonda Lynn Walker, went into labor and gave birth to a healthy little girl, Crystal Alexis Carrington Walker. Now … vonderful, isn’t it? Now let’s meet our semi-finalists.

[ The curtain opens and the semi-finalists step out, holding bouquets and doing a choreographed dance, as the orchestra plays “Let’s Hear It For the Boy” ]

Pregnant teenagers: [ singing ]Let’s hear it for the boy! [ They toss the bouquets into the audience ]Let’s give the boy a haa-aaa-aand!
Let’s hear it for my baby,
‘Cause he’s my lovin’ maaa-aaa-aaan.
Wo, maybe he’s no Romeo,
But he’s my lovin’ one-man show.
Wo-oh-oh-oh, let’s hear it for the boy!

[ Roman watches with amusement as they continue their choreographed dance ]

Pregnant teenagers: [ singing ]Wo, maybe he’s no Romeo,
But he’s my lovin’ one-man show.
Wo-oh-oh-oh, let’s hear it for the boy!
Let’s hear it for the boy!
Let’s hear it for the boy!

[ Applause. As the song finishes, they all gather around Roman for a seductive pose. ]

Roman Polanski: Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you! Thank you! Let’s hear it for the girls. Excuse me, my darling — [ steps past one of the finalists ] heh, in a moment, heh, we’ll meet our finalists, but first, with us here tonight, is our own, Joan Collins! Joan!

[ Applause. Joan Collins walks over to Roman ]

Joan Collins: Thank you, Roman. [ attempts to read the cue cards ] You know, this year’s crop of 51 pageant girl teens is probably the most diverse ever in the history of the pageant. Um — oh god, these cards — um, representing every race, religion, and creed, eh, with the exception of Jews.

Roman Polanski: Well, thank you, thank you very much. And um, now, let’s meet our two finalists, chosen by our judges from competitions earlier in the week, as they promenade in the evening gown competition. Miss Illinois.

[ Miss Illinois, Cabrini Green Jackson, attempts to show off her pink gown while in heels, and walks up to a microphone stand. The microphone malfunctions as she begins to speak. ]

Cabrini Green Jackson: My name is Cabrini Green Jackson, and I’m 17 years old, and I plan to use this pageant as a stepping stone toward being a model, a spokesmodel, for Planned Parenthood. That way I can educate young mens and young womens to the fact that their bodies are temples, not to be wore out.

[ Applause ]

Roman Polanski: Very touching. And now, Miss South Carolina.

[ Miss South Carolina displays her black gown with white frills, then walks over to the microphone. ]

Tammy Whitborough: Hi. Mah name is Tammy Whitborough, and ah’m 15 years old. And my goal is to identifah, locate, and evintually marry the father of my unborn chaaald.

[ Applause ]

Roman Polanski: Thank you, Miss South Carolina. I’m now here with a remarkable young man, Terry Guthrie, who is responsible for impregnating not one, not two, but three of this years contestants: Miss Colorado, Miss Arizona and Miss Nevada. Now Terry, how did you do it?

Terry Guthrie: Uh, it was last summer, I worked as a tour guide at the Grand Canyon National Park, and uh, you know, we get a lot of high school groups coming through, and uh, you know, I got a pretty nice car, so. [ shrugs ]

Roman Polanski: Yes. Now, I um, I understand, I understand, Terry, that you’ve just signed up for a four-year hitch in the army.

Terry Guthrie: Yes, that is correct, sir.

Roman Polanski: And do you, do you have any advice for the young teenage men of America?

Terry Guthrie: Well, just this: [ looks at the camera ] don’t let ’em kid you, guys, all right? Contraception is the girl’s responsibility, not the guy’s!

[ Applause ]

Roman Polanski: Thank you. Thank you, Terry. Very nice indeed. Now, now in her part of ze talent competition, Miss Pregnant Teen Illinois shows us how important it is to give your baby every break. Whether it is the break of pre-natal checkups, the break of proper nutrition, or just plain break-DANCING!

[ Cabrini re-emerges in a gold gown and spandex, doing a break-dance routine to Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time” ]

Roman Polanski: Thank you, Cabrini. Now, Miss Pregnant Teen South Carolina will deliver an original dramatic reading to her unborn child.

[ Tammy comes back on stage ]

Tammy Whitborough: “O little friend, down inside of me, … how did you get they-er? Who put you they-er? Why are you they-er, and how will you ever get out? These are questions unanswerable. Perhaps someday, when you will be a scientist or a doctor, you can answer these riddles of the universe. Where do babies come from?”

[ Applause. She walks offstage. ]

Roman Polanski: Thank you, Tammy. We’ll be right back after dis.

[ Cut to the logo in front of the blue curtain, followed by sponsor logos ]

Don Pardo V/O: The Miss Pregnant Teenage America pageant is brought to you by, Care Bears Chewable Birth Control Pills. Hello Care Bears, goodbye worry. And by Century 21 Adoption Agency. We do everything legally possible to make sure your child never learns your identity. Back to you, Roman.

Roman Polanski: [ Dudley flubs his line ] Thank you, Sem — thank you, wherever you are. I don’t know anymore. Vhile our judges tabulate the results, it’s time for us to say goodbye to the reigning Miss Pregnant Teenage America, Donna Marie Kelsey, as she takes her traditional farewell stroll.

[ As she does so, a pre-recorded tape of her voice is played over the orchestra. ]

Donna Marie Kelsey V/O: Oh, what a year it has been. First, winning the crown, then giving birth to my son, Blake Kerrington Kelsey. And of course, the travel, lugging little Blake and all his baby accessories from city to city, as we toured this great country. Now the time has come for my farewell stroll. Well, seeing as how I am pregnant again, I feel that I should not have to relinquish my crown.

[ Applause ]

Roman Polanski: Donna Marie, we’re going to miss you. Well now — some exciting news, I have za envelope wis za results. [ Walks over to Cabrini and Tammy ] One of these two girls will be the new Miss Pregnant Teenage America. Now, ze runner-up is important, because should da winner do anything to bring disgrace upon this pageant —

[ Dudley looks around and waits impatiently for the next cue card ] — though I, I-I can’t imagine what she’d have to do for that to happen — hi. Then, ze runner-up will assume her responsibilities. Now, ze big moment is here.

[ Drumroll ]

Roman Polanski: The runner up, and winner of a rare first-edition copy of Dr. Ruth Westheimer’s new book, First Love, is … Tammy Whitborough, Miss South Carolina!

[ Tammy reacts in shock. She and Cabrini hug each other. ]

Roman Polanski: And the winner, and new Miss Pregnant Teenage America, Cabrini Green Hollenbrook Jackson! Congratulations.

[ Cabrini hugs Donna, receives a bouquet and tiara from Joan Collins, then circles the stage as Roman sings. ]

Roman Polanski: [ singing ]There she goes,
Miss Pregnant Teen America,
With that glow,
That says she’s not alone.
Though you’re in a jam any way,
We all just vant to say,
Ve adooooooore you,
Miss Pregnant Teen Americaaaaaaaaaa!

[ All the other contestants gather around Cabrini and give hugs ]

Roman Polanski: Good night, everybody! Good night!

Don Pardo V/O: [ reading the screen ] Miss Pregnant Teenage America is in no way affiliated with the Miss Knocked-Up U.S.A. Pageant.

[ Roman and the contestants wave goodbye as the logo appears again. Fade to black. ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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