Back To The Future

Back To The Future

Ronald Reagan…..Randy Quaid
Nancy Davis/Reagan…..Terry Sweeney
…..Ron Reagan
Doc…..Jon Lovitz
Director…..Robert Downey, Jr.
Actor…..Dan Vitale
Welfare Mom…..Danitra Vance

[ “Power of Love” by Huey Lewis & The News pots up ]

[ SUPER: “Steven Spielberg Presents” ]

[ SUPER: “A Take Your Oscar And Shove It Production” ]

[ SUPER: “Back To The Future” logo ]

[ dissolve to exterior, suburban house – day ]

[ dissolve to interior, Ronald Reagan talking on the phone ]

Ronald Reagan: Hello, Sid? Ron Reagan. [ a beat ] The actor? I’m sorry to bother you, Sid, but, uh.. you’re my agent, and, uh.. well, I-I haven’t worked in ten years. Not since, uh, 1976, unless you count.. filling in for Bob Eubanks on “The Newlywed Game.” And, uh.. well.. anyway, it seems that, uh.. you never returned my calls —

[ the phone hangs up ]

Hello? Hello? Hell-o? Helloooo?? [ presses receiver ] Hello!

[ a disheveled Nancy Reagan – with dangling cigarette, hair in curlers, funky nightgown – enters and sits next to Ronald on the couch ]

Nancy Reagan: Oh, give it a rest, Dutch! Sid doesn’t care about you. In his book, you’re a washed-up old ham!

Ronald Reagan: Oh, but, Nancy, Sid’s not like that. He cares about people. He’s al ifelong Democrat, like me.

Nancy Reagan: [ snidely ] I think that says it all.

Ronald Reagan: Now, Mommy, the Democrat Party is the party of compassion. The party of the disadvantaged. The poor, the elderly!

Nancy Reagan: That about covers us. [ kills a shot ]

[ Ron Reagan, dressed as Marty McFly in life vest, enters from the front door on a skateboard ]

Ron Reagan: Hey, Mom! Hey, Dad! What’s for dinner?

Nancy Reagan: My specialty – cold pizza.

[ offscreen crash sound effect from Ron ]

Nancy Reagan: [ as soft music pots up ] Oh, Ronnie.. remember how trim I was the day we first met? It was exactly thirty years ago today. In fact, right on this spot.

[ Ron re-enters, sits next to Nancy on the couch ]

[ flashing Super: “Exposition (listen carefully)” ]

Nancy Reagan: Our house was built over the old RKO Studio, where we met on the set of “Hellcats of the Navy.” Your father – Ronald Reagan —

Ron Reagan: Mom. I know Dad’s name.

Nancy Reagan: Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I had so much exposition to establish, I.. I got lost. Well, anyway.. a sandbag fell on your father’s head. He looked so.. helpless, so pathetic.. so pitiful.. so wretched —

Ronald Reagan: Mommy, I think the boy gets the idea.

Nancy Reagan: Well, anyway, I fell for the big lug!

[ doorbell rings ]

Ronald Reagan: Well.. who could that be?

Ron Reagan: Oh, Mom, Dad. I invited Dr. Brown over for dessert.

[ Ron gets up to answer the door to Doc Brown, dressed in a crazy get-up and holding a weirdly-shaped blender ]

Doc: Ron! Ron! Well! I did it! I doscovered a way.. to travel through time! You see this blender! It’s actually.. a time machine!

Ronald Reagan: Whoops! Speaking of time, uh.. it’s ten o’clock, Mommy, uh.. let’s go upstairs and watch Jane on “Falcon Crest.”

Nancy Reagan: Ugh! do we have to? I just ate.

Ronald Reagan: Oh, Mommy.. Jane’s not so bad, and.. we do need the alimony.

[ Nancy and Ronald get up to go upstairs to watch “Falcon Crest”, greeting Dr. Brown as they exit the room ]

Nancy Reagan: Hell-oooooo!

Ronald Reagan: Hello, Dr. Brown.

Doc: Hello!

Ron Reagan: Now, uh.. Dr. Brown. Come on in, tell me about this invention.

Doc: Well! I got the idea about it.. ohhhhh.. about thirty years ago, when I was working on the old RKO lot! [ looking around the room ] In fact.. it was right around here! Yeah!

[ flashing Super: “More Exposition” ]

Doc: I was a Technical Advisor! On “Hellcats of the Navy”! When all of a sudden, a sandbag fell on.. some fading actor’s head! It was then, that I got the idea for my flux capicator!

Ron Reagan: Yeah, well.. how does it work?

Doc: Well! The first ting you have to do.. is plug it in! Just like.. that! [ plugs blender into the wall ] Then! you see this button here? That’s Mix! [ presses button, lights light up ] Then! [ pushes next sequence of buttons ] There’s Liquefy! Then, Blend! And Puree! Run! Blend again! Then, the final button, is Time Travel! But.. before I push it.. [ turns blender off ] I’m gonna set the clock back.. say.. thirty years! To exactly.. thirty years ago.. today!

[ SUPER: “That’s the day the sandbag fell on Ron’s dad and Dr. Brown thought of time travel.” ]

Ron Reagan: By the way, uh, Doc.. where did you get this blender?

Doc: Oh, I, uh.. I stole it from a 7-11, run by some very dangerous-looking Libyans!

[ doorbell rings ]

Doc: Oh! I’ll get it! Probably for me! [ opens the door to Libyans ] Hi! How are yo —

[ the Libyans open fire on Doc ]

Doc: Ron! press the button! Press the button!

[ Ron presses the button on the blender, and dissolves into thin air ]

[ dissolve to “Hellcats of the Navy” movie set, thirty years in the past ]

Director: Okay! Everybody! RKO is not.. made.. of.. money! Alright? In fact, after this movie they’re tearing down this studio to put up a lower-midle class housing develop!

[ Ron and the blender materialize from thin air ]

Ron Reagan: Whoa.. what year is this?

Director: Come on! Let’s get going! I want to get this movie in the can while it’s stil 1956! Okay?

Ron Reagan: 1956..?

Actor: [ walking past ] Hey, this is a closed set, buddy – you belong here? This is Stage 3 – “Hellcats of the Navy.”

Ron Reagan: “Hellcats of the Navy”..?

Director: [ aggravated ] Where.. is.. our.. leading man?! Ron! [ raises megaphone ] Ron Reagan!! Come on!

[ cut to Ronald Reagan, costumed for his role, sitting in an actor’s chair with his back to the camera. He turns to face the audience rather elegantly. ]

Ronald Reagan: Here I am!

Ron Reagan: Dad! Dad!

Ronald Reagan: Sorry. No autographs. Now, Richard.. where is that new leading lady you were telling me about?

Director: Oh, yeah. Nancy Davis. Alright, uh.. [ calling ] Nancy Davis to the set! Nancy!

[ Nancy, costumed as a big-bosumed nurse, enters the set ]

Nancy Davis: Here I am!

Ron Reagan: [ stunned ] Mom!

Director: Uh.. Nancy, Ron; Ron, Nancy. [ both are silent toward one another ] Okay, okay.. [ into the megaphone ] Places, everybody! [ looks upward ] Uh.. Bobby? Bobby! move that sandbag that’s hanging over Ron’s head, would you? Come on! [ steps away ]

[ Ron jumps into frame to push Ronald out of the way, as the sandbag crashes instead on Ron’s head. Nancy screams. ]

[ zoom in on Ron’s body, as screen wiggles briefly to flash forward a few minutes. Nancy’s legs appear behind Ron’s body, as she leans in to help him to his feet. ]

Nancy Davis: Hello there, handsome stranger!

Ron Reagan: Mom..?

Nancy Davis: Mom? Oh, that must be quite a bump on your head, Nicky.

Ron Reagan: Nicky?

Nancy Davis: That’s the name on your tennis shoe.

Ron Reagan: That’s.. th-th-that’s Nike.

Nancy Davis: Oh. Sorry, Nike. It’s still a very sensuous name – how about a kiss?

Ron Reagan: No! Mom! Uh.. Nancy. Nancy. But.. but you know who is a real, sensuous guy? Ronald Reagan.

Nancy Davis: Ugh. Ronald Reagan?

Ron Reagan: I think he wants to go out with you.

Nancy Davis: Not only is he not attractive in the way you are, because he wasn’t hit in the head with that sandbag – but, besides that, he’s a wimping, bleeding heart, liberal Democrat. The only men who make my Maidenform warm are arch-conservative, right-wing jingoists!

Ron Reagan: [ gasping ] Excuse me, Nancy. I’ve.. got to meet some of my intellectual New York friends, for a Ban The Bomb rally.

Nancy Davis: Oh.. that’s okay! You’re still attractive to me, because you were hit in the head with that sandbag!

[ Ron runs across the set, bumping into a younger, pre-occupied Dr. Bown ]

Ron Reagan: Doc!

Doc: How’d you know my name?!

Ron Reagan: Doc, I’m from the future! 1986! [ Doc appears skeptical ] I can prove it! When I got hit on the head with that sandbag, you had the inspiration for a time travel machine.

Doc: That’s right! In fact, I just drew a picture of it! But, wait a minute! If you’re from the future, who’s the president in 1986?!

Ron Reagan: A woman named Geraldine Ferraro.

Doc: What?!

Ron Reagan: But.. she’s being impeached because her.. husband stole from the.. White House petty cash.

[ flashing SUPER: “Cheap Joke” ]

Doc: It’s very important that you don’t interact with anybody! You could alter the future, and the results could be disastrous!

Ron Reagan: I-it’s too late, it’s too late. My mom already has the hots for me. You see, the bag was supposed to fall on my dad’s head.. but it didn’t.. and-and.. my mom’s only attracted to right-wing, uh —

Doc: That’s alright, I don’t care! You’d just better go and fix it, or you’ll never be born! Go on! Hurry!

Ron Reagan: [ walking off ] You’re asking me to change his politics —

Doc: Go!!

[ Ron approaches Ronald, who’s sitting in his actor’s chair ]Uh.. Ron.. uh..?

Ronald Reagan: Sorry. No autographs.

Ron Reagan: No, no, no.. I want to talk politics.

Ronald Reagan: Politics? Okay. I believe a government should be judged by how well it treats the most needy among us. I believe this requires an ever-increasing role by the federal government, including massive federal programs, and the beaurocracy needed to administer them. I guess, if you had to peg my politics, you’d have to say, well, that I was a far-left liberal Democrat.

Ron Reagan: But, Ron.. as the public sector becomes larger and larger, there’ll be less and less wealth to distribute.

Ronald Reagan: Hmm.. [ thinking ] Yes.. yes, I see what you mean.

Ron Reagan: The way to maximimze wealth is to set loose the creative energies of men and women free from the constraints of government intervention. The wealth will then trickle down, to the poor.

Ronald Reagan: Oh. That makes a lot of sense.

Ron Reagan: Did you know.. that every tax cut in the history of government has brought with it an actual increase in revenues?

Ronald Reagan: Really? Well, that does it! I guess I’ve been fooling myself all along! Put ‘er there, fellow Republican! [ shakes hands with Ron ]

Ron Reagan: Terrific! Terrific! By the way, Ron, uh.. thjat cute Nancy chick kind of likes you.

Ronald Reagan: Oh, really?

Ron Reagan: Yeah. Why don’t you go check her out?

Ronald Reagan: Really? Okay.

[ Rambles ambles toward Nancy Davis ]

Ronald Reagan: Uh, Miss Davis?

Nancy Davis: Nike, is that — [ turns around, disappointed ] Yes?

Ronald Reagan: Well. Miss Davis, I just thought that.. well.. since we’re going to be playing opposute each other, you might want to hear my political views.

Nancy Davis: Don’t waste your breath, buster – I know where you stand.

Ronald Reagan: [ affirmatively ] No, you don’t! Did you know that, for every tax cut in the history of government, that has brought along with it increased revenues?

Nancy Davis: Oh.. I’d love to hear more! How about my trailer?

Ronald Reagan: Fine.

Nancy Davis: [ drags Ronald off-screen by his tie, passing Ron and Doc ] Come on, big guy!

Ron Reagan: Doc? Doc, I did it! I did it!

Doc: Oh, good!

Ron Reagan: I’ve gotta get back home..

Doc: You still have the time machine! Press the button!

[ Ron presses the button, but nothing happens ]

Ron Reagan: Now, what do I do?

Doc: What?! Oh! You gotta plug it in, stupid! Here! I’ll do it! 1.. 2.. there! [ plugs up the blender ]

Ron Reagan: Oh.. Doc, about the future. I’ve got to tell you something —

Doc: Oh, no no! No matter how good your intentions are, don’t tell me! The results could be disastrous!

Ron Reagan: Okay. Bye. But.. you die a horrible death.

[ Ron dissolves into thin air ]

Doc: What?! How?! Poison?! Shot by a jealous husband?!

[ dissolve back to present-day, Ron sprawled across the couch from his present-day living room ]

Ron Reagan: Holy smokes! [ looks around ] Mom? Dad? Where is everybody?

[ a welfare mother and her numerous children come down the stairs to investigate the noise from Ron ]

Welfare Mom: What are you doing in my house? Who are you?!

Ron Reagan: I’m.. I’m Ron Reagan..

Welfare Mom: The President’s son?

Ron Reagan: [ confused ] The President’s son?

Welfare Mom: Yeahhhh. I recognize you from People magazine. Yeah, you’re Ronald Reagan’s son!

Ron Reagan: Yeah. Yeah, I am!

[ a beat ]

Welfare Mom: Get the hell out of my house! Your daddy cut off my food stamps! Get him, kids!

[ the welfare mom and her kids chase Ron out of the house, beating him with pillows as he makes his escape into the night ]

[ “The Power of Love” pots up again as we fade ]

SNL Transcripts