The Pathological Liar Picks Up Jerry Hall


The Pathological Liar Picks Up Jerry Hall

…..Jerry Hall
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
…..Mick Jagger

Bartender: What can I get you?

Jerry Hall: Uh.. I think I’ll have a white wine spritzer. [ he places it on the counter and moves aside ] Can I get a light? [ pulls out a cigarette ]

Tommy Flanagan: [ swaying next to her with a cigarette lighter extended toward her ] I got it!

Jerry Hall: Thank you.

Tommy Flanagan: My name’s Tommy, Dr. Tom.. uh.. Senator Tommy Flanagan.

Jerry Hall: Really?

Tommy Flanagan: Mmm hmm.. Say, haven’t I seen you somewhere before?

Jerry Hall: I doubt it.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, I know! I saw you at the.. White House! Yeah, that’s the ticket. Why, I was just there last.. uh.. yesterday. Yeah.. having dinner with the Royal Family.

Jerry Hall: Which Royal Family?

Tommy Flanagan: Uh.. the one on TV. Yeah. Yeah, I’m a producer, you know. Big-time tele.. movie producer. Yeah, that’s the ticket! So, what do you do?

Jerry Hall: Oh, I do some modeling, I wrote a book, and I’m into rock and roll.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? I wrote a book about rock and roll. Yeah, it was about the guy who invented rock and roll. Yeah, that’s it! In fact, it was.. it was an autobiography! Yeah!

Jerry Hall: [ not buying it ] You invented rock and roll?

Tommy Flanagan: Mmm hmm. Swing, too. Yeah, I played with all the big bands – Elvis Presley, Benny Goodman, Buddy Holly, The Who..

Jerry Hall: And I suppose you played with The Stones, too, huh?

Tommy Flanagan: Well, now you’re being silly! I never played with them.

Jerry Hall: I didn’t think so.

Tommy Flanagan: No. I managed them! Yeah.. I did. In fact, I wrote all their songs, too. You remember “Satisfaction”? I wrote it!

Jerry Hall: You did not write “Satisfaction”.

Tommy Flanagan: Well.. not all of it. Actually.. uh.. Mick Jagger wrote it. Yeah, that’s it! But it was originally called, uh.. “I Can’t Get No.. uh.. Service in This Place”.. and I changed it!

Jerry Hall: You know Mick Jagger?

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah. We were in Vietnam together. In fact, I saved his life.

Jerry Hall: He was never in ‘Nam.

Tommy Flanagan: That’s how I saved his life – I talked him out of going!

Jerry Hall: Come on! you never met Mick Jagger!

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? How do you know?

Jerry Hall: Because I’m his wife.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh. [ looks at her hand ] Yeah, well, where’s your wedding band?

Jerry Hall: We’re not exactly married.

Tommy Flanagan: Ah-ha! I knew you were lying!

Jerry Hall: Well, I am his girlfriend. [ looks to her side ] In fact, here he is now!

Mick Jagger: Hi, darling! I’m sorry I’m a little late. I was.. locked in the studio.

Jerry Hall: Never mind, let’s just get going.. [ gets up ]

Tommy Flanagan: [ faking ] Hey, Mick, how you doing! It’s me, Tommy! Remember?

Mick Jagger: Who’s this guy?

Jerry Hall: Some guy named “Tommy”, who thinks he knows you.

Mick Jagger: [ thinking ] Oh, yeah.. I know him!

Tommy Flanagan: [ surprised ] You do?

Jerry Hall: [ also surprised ] Really?

Mick Jagger: Yeah. You remember last weekend when I didn’t come home? Uh.. I.. I was.. I was with Tommy. That’s right! We were.. we were.. uh.. [ Tommy pantomimes fishing ] together! That’s the ticket! Right, Tommy?

Tommy Flanagan: [ on the spot ] Yeah, Mick, that’s the ticket! You and me, fishing! Yeah! You bet!

Mick Jagger: We caught one this big! [ holds his arms out a couple of feet, while Tommy holds his out twice as much ]

Jerry Hall: [ not interested, wanting to go ] Come on.. [ pulls Mick out of the bar ]

Tommy Flanagan: See? I told you I knew him.

Mick Jagger: [ whispering to Tommy as he passes ] Thanks, buddy, I owe you for this one. [ faces the camera before he exits ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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