The Pathological Liar Picks Up Jerry Hall
…..Jerry Hall
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
…..Mick Jagger
Bartender: What can I get you?
Jerry Hall: Uh.. I think I’ll have a white wine spritzer. [ he places it on the counter and moves aside ] Can I get a light? [ pulls out a cigarette ]
Tommy Flanagan: [ swaying next to her with a cigarette lighter extended toward her ] I got it!
Jerry Hall: Thank you.
Tommy Flanagan: My name’s Tommy, Dr. Tom.. uh.. Senator Tommy Flanagan.
Jerry Hall: Really?
Tommy Flanagan: Mmm hmm.. Say, haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
Jerry Hall: I doubt it.
Tommy Flanagan: Oh, I know! I saw you at the.. White House! Yeah, that’s the ticket. Why, I was just there last.. uh.. yesterday. Yeah.. having dinner with the Royal Family.
Jerry Hall: Which Royal Family?
Tommy Flanagan: Uh.. the one on TV. Yeah. Yeah, I’m a producer, you know. Big-time tele.. movie producer. Yeah, that’s the ticket! So, what do you do?
Jerry Hall: Oh, I do some modeling, I wrote a book, and I’m into rock and roll.
Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? I wrote a book about rock and roll. Yeah, it was about the guy who invented rock and roll. Yeah, that’s it! In fact, it was.. it was an autobiography! Yeah!
Jerry Hall: [ not buying it ] You invented rock and roll?
Tommy Flanagan: Mmm hmm. Swing, too. Yeah, I played with all the big bands – Elvis Presley, Benny Goodman, Buddy Holly, The Who..
Jerry Hall: And I suppose you played with The Stones, too, huh?
Tommy Flanagan: Well, now you’re being silly! I never played with them.
Jerry Hall: I didn’t think so.
Tommy Flanagan: No. I managed them! Yeah.. I did. In fact, I wrote all their songs, too. You remember “Satisfaction”? I wrote it!
Jerry Hall: You did not write “Satisfaction”.
Tommy Flanagan: Well.. not all of it. Actually.. uh.. Mick Jagger wrote it. Yeah, that’s it! But it was originally called, uh.. “I Can’t Get No.. uh.. Service in This Place”.. and I changed it!
Jerry Hall: You know Mick Jagger?
Tommy Flanagan: Yeah. We were in Vietnam together. In fact, I saved his life.
Jerry Hall: He was never in ‘Nam.
Tommy Flanagan: That’s how I saved his life – I talked him out of going!
Jerry Hall: Come on! you never met Mick Jagger!
Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? How do you know?
Jerry Hall: Because I’m his wife.
Tommy Flanagan: Oh. [ looks at her hand ] Yeah, well, where’s your wedding band?
Jerry Hall: We’re not exactly married.
Tommy Flanagan: Ah-ha! I knew you were lying!
Jerry Hall: Well, I am his girlfriend. [ looks to her side ] In fact, here he is now!
Mick Jagger: Hi, darling! I’m sorry I’m a little late. I was.. locked in the studio.
Jerry Hall: Never mind, let’s just get going.. [ gets up ]
Tommy Flanagan: [ faking ] Hey, Mick, how you doing! It’s me, Tommy! Remember?
Mick Jagger: Who’s this guy?
Jerry Hall: Some guy named “Tommy”, who thinks he knows you.
Mick Jagger: [ thinking ] Oh, yeah.. I know him!
Tommy Flanagan: [ surprised ] You do?
Jerry Hall: [ also surprised ] Really?
Mick Jagger: Yeah. You remember last weekend when I didn’t come home? Uh.. I.. I was.. I was with Tommy. That’s right! We were.. we were.. uh.. [ Tommy pantomimes fishing ] ..fishing together! That’s the ticket! Right, Tommy?
Tommy Flanagan: [ on the spot ] Yeah, Mick, that’s the ticket! You and me, fishing! Yeah! You bet!
Mick Jagger: We caught one this big! [ holds his arms out a couple of feet, while Tommy holds his out twice as much ]
Jerry Hall: [ not interested, wanting to go ] Come on.. [ pulls Mick out of the bar ]
Tommy Flanagan: See? I told you I knew him.
Mick Jagger: [ whispering to Tommy as he passes ] Thanks, buddy, I owe you for this one. [ faces the camera before he exits ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
