SNL Transcripts: Jay Leno: 02/22/86: The Further Adventures of Bill and Salena



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 11



85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

The Further Adventures of Bill and Salena

Announcer…..Don Pardo
Trucker…..Jay Leno
Biff…..Jon Lovitz
Salena…..Joan Cusack

[ TITLE CARD: THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF BIFF AND SALENA ]

Announcer: And now, “The Further Adventures of Biff and Salena”.

[ INT. DINER – DAY ] [ A TRUCKER drinks coffee at the counter. SALENA approaches him. ]

Salena: Will there be anything else?

Trucker: Yeah. A little more coffee.

Salena: You want a little more cream, too?

Trucker: Yeah! Why the heck not?

Salena: Good… because we’re all out.

Trucker: Oh.

Salena: How about some milk?

Trucker: Yeah, that’s fine.

Salena: A whole glass is extra!

Trucker: I don’t want a whole glass. Just a little milk in the coffee, you know?

Salena: How about a dollop? A dollop is free!

Trucker: Yeah, yeah… great! A dollop will be great! Gee, that’s real nice.

Salena: Okay!

[ Salena pours a dollop of milk into his coffee cup. ]

Trucker: That’s fine. One dollop is okay. I tell you what — can you make it to go? I’m supposed to tow a car on the Interstate-

Salena: Was it an accident!?

Trucker: I wish! Just a stall…

Salena: Gotcha. That’s where they usually happen… on the highway.

[ Salena pours his coffee into a to-go cup. ]

Salena: You know what? If you tear a hole in the lid, you can drink it while you drive!

[ The trucker gives Salena a strange look. ]

Trucker: No kidding. You develop a patent on that one?

Salena: No… I just made it up myself. You be careful you don’t burn your face.

Trucker: Okay! Thanks dollface! I gotta run!

Salena: Okay… take care of yourself

[ A gawking, buck-toothed nerd, BIFF, bangs on the window till the front entrance. The trucker’s amused by him and pats him on the cheek as Biff enters. ]

Biff: Salena! How are you?

Salena: Uh, hi Biff… how are you?

Biff: Oh fine.

Salena: We’re just about to close.

Biff: Oh, well, I was just going to ask you…

Salena: What?

Biff: Can I have some Jell-O!?

Salena: We only have one piece left…

Biff: Is it the corner piece?

Salena: Yes it is!! Would you like it hot or cold?

Biff: Hot please!

Salena: Okay…

[ Salena sets down a tray on the counter from below of Jell-O, scoops of a piece from the corner, and dispenses it in a mug. ]

Salena: One mug of Jell-O coming up!

Biff: O boy!

[ Salena puts the mug in the microwave and turns it on. As Salena returns to the counter, both she and Biff find themselves squirming due to awkward silence. They’re silent for a good matter of moments then start making puppets with their hands. ]

Biff [hand-puppet]: So Salena, what did you do today?

Salena [hand-puppet]: Oh… not too much. I cleaned the counters. What did you do?Biff: I made you another name plate.[ Biff pulls out a name plate from his inner jacket pocket. ]

Salena: Oh Biff! You’ve made me 14 name plates already! What do you think I’m going to do? Forget my name!?

Biff: Well… you never know! [back to hand-puppeting] Hey! You want to hear something!?

Salena: I… do!

[ Biff stretches his thumb and index finger and belts a high-tune as if he were Luciano Pavarotti. Salena giggles.]

Biff: What do think? I’ve been working on it all day!

Salena: That’s really good and very nice.

Biff: Thank you.

[ The microwave rings. ]

Salena: I’ll get it!

[ Salena opens the microwave and removes the mug. The Jell-O has become liquid. She serves it to Biff. ]

Salena: You want whipped cream on it?

Biff: Yes please…

[ Salena shakes a can and dispenses a tall mount of whipped cream on the mug. ]

Biff: When!

[ Biff digs into the liquid Jell-O. ]

Salena: Bon appétit’!

Biff: Thanks…

Salena: Is it good?

Biff: Mmm-hmm! Hey Salena, what are you going to do after work?

Salena: I don’t know… Thought I might go home… Change my shoes…

Biff: Oh… Hey! You want to go the…

Salena: Where?

Biff: Hey! Do you like Africa?

Salena: I can’t go there! I go to go to work tomorrow.

[ Salena starts putting items away from the counter. ]

Biff: It’d be nice to see. Don’t you think?

Salena: Yeah… Yeah, it’d be real nice to see.

Biff: Do you like that actor Robert Redford?

Salena: Oh yes, I do! Why?

Biff: Because… no reason.

Salena: Bellissimo! There we go!

Biff: So do you have to go home?

Salena: Well I don’t have to… but I was going to…

Biff: Well… if you want to… I could walk you home before I go to the movie? The movie’s playing at the mall.

Salena: Oh…

[ Biff pulls out a dollar bill from his pant pocket. ]

Biff: Here’s a dollar bill for the Jell-O.

Salena: Yeah, I guess that’d be okay.

[ Biff gets out of his seat. Salena grabs her coat and puts it on. ]

Biff: I only have 10 minutes. I better just go to the movie then…

Salena: Okay then. I guess you can just walk me as far as the movie.

Biff: Okay… I only have enough money for two tickets.

Salena: That’s good because I’m only one person!

[ Salena pokes Biff in the chest. Biff pokes Salena near her ear. ]

Salena: Ow!

Biff: Sorry.

[ Biff and Salena exit together as she turns out the lights and locks the door. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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