Observational Stand-Ups II


85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Observational Stand-Ups II

Steve…..Dennis Miller
Bob…..Jon Lovitz
Keith…..Damon Wayans
Jackie Niles…..Jay Leno

[ open on a group of Seinfeldian comedians, dressed in jeans and sport jackets, hanging around the backstage area before their sets. Bob reaches for the pay phone, as Keith and ?? spot him. ]

Steve: Hey, Bob! Killer set!

Bob: Hey! Hot crowd!

Steve: Yeah! Hey! You’re not gonna believe what just happened to me at the store!

Bob: Well, hey! Fill me in!

Steve: Hey! I’m shopping for jackets, and I’m thinking, “Hey! Why do they call it a sport jacket?”

Bob: Hey! You don’t play sports in them!

Steve: No way!

Keith: Hey! Maybe they should call them “walking around” jackets!

Bob: Yeah! Or “going out to a decent restaurant” jacket! Hey!

Keith: But, what I want to know is, what’s the deal with dinner jackets?

Steve: What do you mean?

Keith: I mean, hey! What if you wear a dinner jacket to lunch? Does the maitre’d make you take it off?

Bob: Yeah! I mean, hey! Does he make you wear a lunch jacket?

Steve: Hey! Great tag!

Bob: Hey! Thanks!

Steve: And, speaking of breakfast – hey! Let’s take a walk down Java Lane!

Together: Hey! Hey! Hey!

[ the three of them jaunt over to a table with a coffee machine ]

Bob: Hey! Everybody having a good time?

Steve: Hey! Yeah!

Keith: Hey! It’s great to be here!

Bob: Yeah! Hey! You ever think about those coffee tasters in Columbia?

Steve: Hey! What do you mean?

Bob: I mean, hey! What do they do on their offee breaks? Work for fifteen minutes? Hey! I want to know!

Keith: Hey! What I want to know is, what about Mr. Coffee? Who does he hang out with? Mr. T?

Bob: Yeah!

Keith: Hey!

Steve: And who does he bowl with? Mr. Cup-A-Soup?

Bob: Yeah! And, hey! Guys! Why do they always say, “Fill it to the rim with Brim”? I mean, hey! If you fill it to the rim, it spills when you drink it!

Steve: Hey! Maybe they should say, “Fill it almost to the rim with Brim, because I don’t want a lapful of Joe!”

Bob: Yeah! Hey, Keith! Great tie!

Keith: Hey, babe! Thanks!

Bob: Sure! Hey! You guys ever think about the existence of God?

Keith: Yeah!

Steve: Hey! Sure! I mean, hey! How do we know we’re not just on this planet by some accident of nature?

Keith: Hey! Hey! I mean, hey! I guess life is just a series of unmissed — [ stumbling ] ..unanswered mysteries!

Steve: Exactly!

Keith: [ trying not to crack himself up ] Yeah! Hey! Sit tight! Like, what’s the deal with Fred Flintstone’s feet?

Bob: I mean, hey! You could fit forty of Wilma’s feet into one of Fred’s! And, hey! He’s only got three toes!

Steve: Hey! Maybe he wore out the other two toes starting the car!

Bob: Hey!

[ older comedian, Jackie Niles, dressed in a blue tuxedo and chomping on a cigar, enters the backstage area ]

Jackie Niles: Hello, fellas!

Keith: Hey, look! It’s Jackie Niles!

Steve: Hey, Jack! You gonna do a set?

Jackie Niles: No, no, I’m not doing a set tonight, fellas. I’m just in town, but I’ll tell you one thing – I’m staying in a fancy hotel, a very fancy hotel – it’s fabulous, it’s fabulous. I tell you, very expensive – I dropped a quarter, the bellman picked it up, I had to give him a fifty-cent tip. What do you think of that, boys?

[ the observational comics laugh at Jackie’s jokes ]

Jackie Niles: You know, but I love what you new kids are doing with the comedy – conceptualizing it, you know? And, you.. [ points to Keith ] ..you, the colored fellow – you remind me of Slap Meat Higgins. You remember Slap Meat Higgins? He was a fabulous, fabuolus comic. And the way you do, what do you call – the improvisation. You know, in my day, you hit a fellow with a pie, it was funny. Today, you kids, you want to know why you hit him with the pie, what’s the motivation for the pie? And I think that’s fabulous.

And the dances the kids are doing today. I see that Twist, the Mashed Potato, they’re doing the home fries, they’re doing everything, I tell you. And the hair! The hair is so long, you can’t tell the boys from the girls! I saw a fellow walking down the street the other day – he looked like a Jack, he acted like a Jill, he smelled like a John! I didn’t know what hteh eck was going on!

I’ll tell you something – I’ll tell oyu right now! I’ll tell you this right now, fellows – they’re the only kids we got, and God bless them, huh? And, listen, when you get out to the Coast, you just call me – Jackie, huh? [ hands them his cards ] Go ahead there, you get yourself a little something!

Steve: Thanks, Jackie!

Jackie Niles: I gotta run! I gotta run!

Steve: Hey! What a great guy!

Bob: Hey! He really opened up to us!

Keith: I mean, hey! I sense his wisdom already!

Steve: Hey! I could have listened to him all night!

Bob: Yeah! Hey! What about that easy listening music?

Keith: Well, what do you mean?

Bob: I mean, what’s so easy about listening to Ray Conniff? Hey!

Steve: Hey, no way! I mean, hey! Hey!

[ they laugh with one another, and exit the backstage area as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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