Observational Stand-Ups II


85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Observational Stand-Ups II

Steve…..Dennis Miller
Bob…..Jon Lovitz
Keith…..Damon Wayans
Jackie Niles…..Jay Leno


[ open on a group of Seinfeldian comedians, dressed in jeans and sport jackets, hanging around the backstage area before their sets. Bob reaches for the pay phone, as Keith and ?? spot him. ]

Steve: Hey, Bob! Killer set!

Bob: Hey! Hot crowd!

Steve: Yeah! Hey! You’re not gonna believe what just happened to me at the store!

Bob: Well, hey! Fill me in!

Steve: Hey! I’m shopping for jackets, and I’m thinking, “Hey! Why do they call it a sport jacket?”

Bob: Hey! You don’t play sports in them!

Steve: No way!

Keith: Hey! Maybe they should call them “walking around” jackets!

Bob: Yeah! Or “going out to a decent restaurant” jacket! Hey!

Keith: But, what I want to know is, what’s the deal with dinner jackets?

Steve: What do you mean?

Keith: I mean, hey! What if you wear a dinner jacket to lunch? Does the maitre’d make you take it off?

Bob: Yeah! I mean, hey! Does he make you wear a lunch jacket?

Steve: Hey! Great tag!

Bob: Hey! Thanks!

Steve: And, speaking of breakfast – hey! Let’s take a walk down Java Lane!

Together: Hey! Hey! Hey!

[ the three of them jaunt over to a table with a coffee machine ]

Bob: Hey! Everybody having a good time?

Steve: Hey! Yeah!

Keith: Hey! It’s great to be here!

Bob: Yeah! Hey! You ever think about those coffee tasters in Columbia?

Steve: Hey! What do you mean?

Bob: I mean, hey! What do they do on their offee breaks? Work for fifteen minutes? Hey! I want to know!

Keith: Hey! What I want to know is, what about Mr. Coffee? Who does he hang out with? Mr. T?

Bob: Yeah!

Keith: Hey!

Steve: And who does he bowl with? Mr. Cup-A-Soup?

Bob: Yeah! And, hey! Guys! Why do they always say, “Fill it to the rim with Brim”? I mean, hey! If you fill it to the rim, it spills when you drink it!

Steve: Hey! Maybe they should say, “Fill it almost to the rim with Brim, because I don’t want a lapful of Joe!”

Bob: Yeah! Hey, Keith! Great tie!

Keith: Hey, babe! Thanks!

Bob: Sure! Hey! You guys ever think about the existence of God?

Keith: Yeah!

Steve: Hey! Sure! I mean, hey! How do we know we’re not just on this planet by some accident of nature?

Keith: Hey! Hey! I mean, hey! I guess life is just a series of unmissed — [ stumbling ] ..unanswered mysteries!

Steve: Exactly!

Keith: [ trying not to crack himself up ] Yeah! Hey! Sit tight! Like, what’s the deal with Fred Flintstone’s feet?

Bob: I mean, hey! You could fit forty of Wilma’s feet into one of Fred’s! And, hey! He’s only got three toes!

Steve: Hey! Maybe he wore out the other two toes starting the car!

Bob: Hey!

[ older comedian, Jackie Niles, dressed in a blue tuxedo and chomping on a cigar, enters the backstage area ]

Jackie Niles: Hello, fellas!

Keith: Hey, look! It’s Jackie Niles!

Steve: Hey, Jack! You gonna do a set?

Jackie Niles: No, no, I’m not doing a set tonight, fellas. I’m just in town, but I’ll tell you one thing – I’m staying in a fancy hotel, a very fancy hotel – it’s fabulous, it’s fabulous. I tell you, very expensive – I dropped a quarter, the bellman picked it up, I had to give him a fifty-cent tip. What do you think of that, boys?

[ the observational comics laugh at Jackie’s jokes ]

Jackie Niles: You know, but I love what you new kids are doing with the comedy – conceptualizing it, you know? And, you.. [ points to Keith ] ..you, the colored fellow – you remind me of Slap Meat Higgins. You remember Slap Meat Higgins? He was a fabulous, fabuolus comic. And the way you do, what do you call – the improvisation. You know, in my day, you hit a fellow with a pie, it was funny. Today, you kids, you want to know why you hit him with the pie, what’s the motivation for the pie? And I think that’s fabulous.

And the dances the kids are doing today. I see that Twist, the Mashed Potato, they’re doing the home fries, they’re doing everything, I tell you. And the hair! The hair is so long, you can’t tell the boys from the girls! I saw a fellow walking down the street the other day – he looked like a Jack, he acted like a Jill, he smelled like a John! I didn’t know what hteh eck was going on!

I’ll tell you something – I’ll tell oyu right now! I’ll tell you this right now, fellows – they’re the only kids we got, and God bless them, huh? And, listen, when you get out to the Coast, you just call me – Jackie, huh? [ hands them his cards ] Go ahead there, you get yourself a little something!

Steve: Thanks, Jackie!

Jackie Niles: I gotta run! I gotta run!

Steve: Hey! What a great guy!

Bob: Hey! He really opened up to us!

Keith: I mean, hey! I sense his wisdom already!

Steve: Hey! I could have listened to him all night!

Bob: Yeah! Hey! What about that easy listening music?

Keith: Well, what do you mean?

Bob: I mean, what’s so easy about listening to Ray Conniff? Hey!

Steve: Hey, no way! I mean, hey! Hey!

[ they laugh with one another, and exit the backstage area as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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