Observational Stand-Ups II
Jackie Niles…..Jay Leno
[ open on a group of Seinfeldian comedians, dressed in jeans and sport jackets, hanging around the backstage area before their sets. Bob reaches for the pay phone, as Keith and ?? spot him. ]
Steve: Hey, Bob! Killer set!
Bob: Hey! Hot crowd!
Steve: Yeah! Hey! You’re not gonna believe what just happened to me at the store!
Bob: Well, hey! Fill me in!
Steve: Hey! I’m shopping for jackets, and I’m thinking, “Hey! Why do they call it a sport jacket?”
Bob: Hey! You don’t play sports in them!
Steve: No way!
Keith: Hey! Maybe they should call them “walking around” jackets!
Bob: Yeah! Or “going out to a decent restaurant” jacket! Hey!
Keith: But, what I want to know is, what’s the deal with dinner jackets?
Steve: What do you mean?
Keith: I mean, hey! What if you wear a dinner jacket to lunch? Does the maitre’d make you take it off?
Bob: Yeah! I mean, hey! Does he make you wear a lunch jacket?
Steve: Hey! Great tag!
Bob: Hey! Thanks!
Steve: And, speaking of breakfast – hey! Let’s take a walk down Java Lane!
Together: Hey! Hey! Hey![ the three of them jaunt over to a table with a coffee machine ]
Bob: Hey! Everybody having a good time?
Steve: Hey! Yeah!
Keith: Hey! It’s great to be here!
Bob: Yeah! Hey! You ever think about those coffee tasters in Columbia?
Steve: Hey! What do you mean?
Bob: I mean, hey! What do they do on their offee breaks? Work for fifteen minutes? Hey! I want to know!
Keith: Hey! What I want to know is, what about Mr. Coffee? Who does he hang out with? Mr. T?
Steve: And who does he bowl with? Mr. Cup-A-Soup?
Bob: Yeah! And, hey! Guys! Why do they always say, “Fill it to the rim with Brim”? I mean, hey! If you fill it to the rim, it spills when you drink it!
Steve: Hey! Maybe they should say, “Fill it almost to the rim with Brim, because I don’t want a lapful of Joe!”
Bob: Yeah! Hey, Keith! Great tie!
Keith: Hey, babe! Thanks!
Bob: Sure! Hey! You guys ever think about the existence of God?
Steve: Hey! Sure! I mean, hey! How do we know we’re not just on this planet by some accident of nature?
Keith: Hey! Hey! I mean, hey! I guess life is just a series of unmissed — [ stumbling ] ..unanswered mysteries!
Keith: [ trying not to crack himself up ] Yeah! Hey! Sit tight! Like, what’s the deal with Fred Flintstone’s feet?
Bob: I mean, hey! You could fit forty of Wilma’s feet into one of Fred’s! And, hey! He’s only got three toes!
Steve: Hey! Maybe he wore out the other two toes starting the car!
Bob: Hey![ older comedian, Jackie Niles, dressed in a blue tuxedo and chomping on a cigar, enters the backstage area ]
Jackie Niles: Hello, fellas!
Keith: Hey, look! It’s Jackie Niles!
Steve: Hey, Jack! You gonna do a set?
Jackie Niles: No, no, I’m not doing a set tonight, fellas. I’m just in town, but I’ll tell you one thing – I’m staying in a fancy hotel, a very fancy hotel – it’s fabulous, it’s fabulous. I tell you, very expensive – I dropped a quarter, the bellman picked it up, I had to give him a fifty-cent tip. What do you think of that, boys?[ the observational comics laugh at Jackie’s jokes ]
Jackie Niles: You know, but I love what you new kids are doing with the comedy – conceptualizing it, you know? And, you.. [ points to Keith ] ..you, the colored fellow – you remind me of Slap Meat Higgins. You remember Slap Meat Higgins? He was a fabulous, fabuolus comic. And the way you do, what do you call – the improvisation. You know, in my day, you hit a fellow with a pie, it was funny. Today, you kids, you want to know why you hit him with the pie, what’s the motivation for the pie? And I think that’s fabulous.
And the dances the kids are doing today. I see that Twist, the Mashed Potato, they’re doing the home fries, they’re doing everything, I tell you. And the hair! The hair is so long, you can’t tell the boys from the girls! I saw a fellow walking down the street the other day – he looked like a Jack, he acted like a Jill, he smelled like a John! I didn’t know what hteh eck was going on!
I’ll tell you something – I’ll tell oyu right now! I’ll tell you this right now, fellows – they’re the only kids we got, and God bless them, huh? And, listen, when you get out to the Coast, you just call me – Jackie, huh? [ hands them his cards ] Go ahead there, you get yourself a little something!
Steve: Thanks, Jackie!
Jackie Niles: I gotta run! I gotta run!
Steve: Hey! What a great guy!
Bob: Hey! He really opened up to us!
Keith: I mean, hey! I sense his wisdom already!
Steve: Hey! I could have listened to him all night!
Bob: Yeah! Hey! What about that easy listening music?
Keith: Well, what do you mean?
Bob: I mean, what’s so easy about listening to Ray Conniff? Hey!
Steve: Hey, no way! I mean, hey! Hey![ they laugh with one another, and exit the backstage area as the scene fades ]