Jay’s Evil Twin


85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Jay’s Evil Twin

Kate…..Joan Cusack
…..Jay Leno

[ open on dark, empty apartment, as Jay Leno and his date Kate enter, turn on the lights and sit on the couch in the center of the room ]

Kate: Oh, Jay.. I had a wonderful time tonight.

Jay Leno: Well, you know, I.. I ould see “Unmarried Woman” fifty times.

Kate: Oh, I know, it was really great. Jay, your commitment to feminism is so strong.

Jay Leno: Oh, it’s not really feminism, so much, Kate, as it is, I guess.. people. You know, I guess you could say I’m a people person. But, listen – before we read aloud from “Our Bodies Ourselves”.. [ picks up book from coffee table ] ..can I, uh.. can I offer you a little herbal tea?

Kate: Oh, Jay, that would be wonderful!

Jay Leno: And then, once we’ve been warmed by the tea.. [ apprehensively ] ..possibly, you and I could, uh.. make loves?

Kate: Oh. [ a pause ] Jay, you’re such a good, good man.. and I’m tempted, but.. I don’t believe in making love until I get to know someone very, very well.

Jay Leno: Oh, Kate, Kate, you don’t know how glad that makes me feel! Alright, look – it was a cruel test, but I just had to be sure that you feel the same way I do about making love too soon. Listen, hey – how about that tea now, huh?

Kate: I’d love it.

Jay Leno: Alright! [ retreats to the kitchen ] [ Kate waits on the couch, reflecting on the wonderful man she’s dating, when a man who looks exactly like Jay, except with a moustache, steps out of the kitchen holding a can of beer ]

Jay’s Evil Twin: What’s the matter, baby? Still got your clothes on? [ releases an evil laugh as he shakes the beer can ]

Kate: Oh, uh.. I don’t want that beer.. I.. no, thank you, Jay.

Jay’s Evil Twin: [ releases an evil laugh ] Wet t-shirt contest, baby? [ pulls the tab on the beer can, gushing beer all over Kate’s clothes ]

Kate: Why! You’re not Jay! You’re Wade, his evil twin!

Jay’s Evil Twin: [ releases an evil laugh ] Jay – that little weasel! That sniveling druid! What kind of a man would read “Our Bodies Ourselves”? I’ve got my own version of that book, baby – it’s called “Your Body Myself!” [ releases an evil laugh ]

Kate: Ohhh, that’s evil! You’re an evil, evil man! [ runs quickly out of the apartment ]

Jay Leno: [ releases an evil laugh, as he peels the fake moustache off his upper lip ] You know.. I had a hunch that dame wasn’t going to come across on the first date. You know, this evil twin thing works every time – I could have blown three hours and who knows how much dough on that girl. But, anyway.. [ checks his watch ] My God, it’s still early.. I can still go to Hef’s place, maybe meet somebody else there. See you later. [ releases evil laugh as he exits the apartment ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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