Jay’s Evil Twin

85k: Jay Leno / The Neville Brothers

Jay’s Evil Twin

Kate…..Joan Cusack
…..Jay Leno

[ open on dark, empty apartment, as Jay Leno and his date Kate enter, turn on the lights and sit on the couch in the center of the room ]

Kate: Oh, Jay.. I had a wonderful time tonight.

Jay Leno: Well, you know, I.. I ould see “Unmarried Woman” fifty times.

Kate: Oh, I know, it was really great. Jay, your commitment to feminism is so strong.

Jay Leno: Oh, it’s not really feminism, so much, Kate, as it is, I guess.. people. You know, I guess you could say I’m a people person. But, listen – before we read aloud from “Our Bodies Ourselves”.. [ picks up book from coffee table ] ..can I, uh.. can I offer you a little herbal tea?

Kate: Oh, Jay, that would be wonderful!

Jay Leno: And then, once we’ve been warmed by the tea.. [ apprehensively ] ..possibly, you and I could, uh.. make loves?

Kate: Oh. [ a pause ] Jay, you’re such a good, good man.. and I’m tempted, but.. I don’t believe in making love until I get to know someone very, very well.

Jay Leno: Oh, Kate, Kate, you don’t know how glad that makes me feel! Alright, look – it was a cruel test, but I just had to be sure that you feel the same way I do about making love too soon. Listen, hey – how about that tea now, huh?

Kate: I’d love it.

Jay Leno: Alright! [ retreats to the kitchen ] [ Kate waits on the couch, reflecting on the wonderful man she’s dating, when a man who looks exactly like Jay, except with a moustache, steps out of the kitchen holding a can of beer ]

Jay’s Evil Twin: What’s the matter, baby? Still got your clothes on? [ releases an evil laugh as he shakes the beer can ]

Kate: Oh, uh.. I don’t want that beer.. I.. no, thank you, Jay.

Jay’s Evil Twin: [ releases an evil laugh ] Wet t-shirt contest, baby? [ pulls the tab on the beer can, gushing beer all over Kate’s clothes ]

Kate: Why! You’re not Jay! You’re Wade, his evil twin!

Jay’s Evil Twin: [ releases an evil laugh ] Jay – that little weasel! That sniveling druid! What kind of a man would read “Our Bodies Ourselves”? I’ve got my own version of that book, baby – it’s called “Your Body Myself!” [ releases an evil laugh ]

Kate: Ohhh, that’s evil! You’re an evil, evil man! [ runs quickly out of the apartment ]

Jay Leno: [ releases an evil laugh, as he peels the fake moustache off his upper lip ] You know.. I had a hunch that dame wasn’t going to come across on the first date. You know, this evil twin thing works every time – I could have blown three hours and who knows how much dough on that girl. But, anyway.. [ checks his watch ] My God, it’s still early.. I can still go to Hef’s place, maybe meet somebody else there. See you later. [ releases evil laugh as he exits the apartment ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Notify of