Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
… Dennis Miller
… A. Whitney Brown
… The Weekend Update Dancers
Music Intro: Henry Mancini’s “Theme from PeterGunn”
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withanchorperson Dennis Miller!
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Thank you very much.[lacking soul] R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it meansto me.
Three weeks ago, Pepsi-Cola bought 7-Up and, thisweek, Coca-Cola bought Dr. Pepper. And this morning,in the smartest move of the year, the distantthird-ranking soft drink, Royal Crown, bought theentire water supply of North America. …[applause]
Walter Mondale finally resurfaced this week and saidhe still can’t believe how bad he got stomped. Youknow, it’s been over a year and I can’t even rememberthe final count but, when I went to bed, Reagan hadfive hundred ninety-eight electoral votes — Mondalehad three. [chuckles] You know, if you think about it,that’s only three more than I had — I didn’t evenrun, you know? … This guy spent fortymillion dollars and I almost tied him. … Talk aboutnot havin’ a date for the prom, huh? …
Geraldine Ferraro’s son, John Zacarro, Jr., was bustedfor cocaine possession yesterday at Vermont’sMiddlebury College. [scattered applause – Dennis looksup in surprise and ad libs:] I think the Board ofRegents is here. … School psychiatrists said youngJohn had a deep-seated need to compete with hisfather, John Zacarro, Sr. who … last year pleadedguilty to real estate fraud. … [scattered applause] Geraldine Ferraro, reached for a comment, said, “Ican’t explain any of this but, you know, I’m sure gladI kept my own last name.” …
Influenza’s back in the news and the Center forDisease Control in Atlanta has announced that thisyear will see the most widespread flu epidemic since1981. Now, to interpret this news story and its effecton you, here’s the James Brown hit single “Living inAmerica” and the Weekend Update Dancers, ladies andgentlemen![Song begins. Camera zooms back as Dennis pulls hispapers off the desk and retreats to make way for ahalf-dozen shapely women in scanty black outfits whodance onto the set — three in front of the desk,three on top of the desk. Lights flash on the setwhile the dancers wave handkerchiefs and, as part ofthe choreography, blow their noses, clutch their headsand stomachs in pain, mime taking pills and going tosleep, etc., before exiting. Applause.]
Dennis Miller: That’s not exactly Scotty Restonbut, then again, have you ever seen his legs? …[mild reaction to Dennis’ mention of New YorkTimes columnist James B. “Scotty” Reston]Obviously, you’ve seen Scotty’s legs a lot.America’s– …
America’s newest supership, the U.S.S. Yorktown, whichis capable of shooting down hundreds of targets atonce and can simultaneously track everything in theMediterranean that moves, smacked into a rock todayand sank. … [applause] [Photo of bald Russian dissident Anatoly Sharansky]This is not the boat. This is Anatoly Sharansky and hehas been invited to visit New York by Mayor Ed Koch.[Photo of bald Ed Koch] Both are said to be lookingforward to meeting, dining together — [Side by sidephotos of Koch and Sharansky] — and having someserious discussions about hair loss. …
Newsweek magazine’s cover story this week wason Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker whom theyrefer to as “the second most powerful man in America.”The most powerful man, of course, for obvious reasons,is singer-actor John Davidson. [Photo of John Davidsonwith a streak of white in his hair] … [Dennischuckles and points to his own hair] What’s with thatwhite thing, Johnny? Get a hold of that, okay?…[Photo of Ronald Reagan cupping a hand to his mouthand yelling to someone] President Reagan entered ahog-calling contest in Iowa last Thursday. …[applause] And you know what? He made Tip O’Neill runall the way from Washington to Des Moines just so hecould win it. … [Dennis apologizes to the overweightSpeaker of the House of Representatives] Sorry aboutthat, Tipper.
Contrary to long-held belief, anthropologists now saythat American Indians wasted literally every part ofthe buffalo. The large fatty hump was used as adoorstop, the hide was used for kites, and the hornswere used as fake buck teeth. …
A new variation in the game of bridge — in which thecards are looked at briefly, then torn in half andthrown in your opponent’s face — has been invented bya poor sport in Boston. … [weak reaction from crowd,Dennis sighs] Wish he would have kept that inventionto himself. Well! …
Dennis Miller: Here again, to untangle theknotty strands of the world situation, is our seniorcorrespondent. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome A.Whitney Brown![Cheers and applause as we dolly over to the dappercommentator.]
A. Whitney Brown: Thank you. Thank you. I’m A.Whitney Brown. Someday I hope to be the WhitneyBrown. …
Fifteen years ago tonight, I was an apathetic vagabondpicking up cigarette butts on the streets ofFlagstaff. But I wasn’t a bum. I was an idea manfocused on the absorbing subject of the universe intoto — something I like to call “The BigPicture.” And it’s paid off. Today, I have threepeople picking up cigarette butts for me. …
But, you know, the problem today is that nobody seemsto care about the things they can’t do anything about.And, of course, you don’t get the Big Picture from thenews media, either. Take this big brouhaha in Haiti.You really gotta hand it to the Haitian people.They’ve finally proven to the world that nobody canoppress them for more than twenty-nine years ata time. …
Of course, just when you think the news media can helpyou understand the world, they run another story onthe Iran-Iraq war. Who’s the good guy here?Nobody even knows why they’re fighting. Near as I cantell, it’s because their names sound too much alike…. Iran wants Iraq to change its name to”Boot-Licking Lackey of the Degenerate She-Devil.” …[applause]
Actually, the whole thing started over a propertyclaim that’s twenty-five hundred years old. Which hasto leave you wondering about the speed of Islamicbureaucracy. … I mean, how did that issue suddenlypop up in conversation? “You know, Omar, that – thatPersian land grab back in 500 B.C.’s really startingto stick in my craw. … Get the gun.”
Of course, we’re still left with the problem of who toroot for in this miserable little war. And I’m suresome vindictive Americans would love to see theAyatollah dangling from a lamp post in Baghdad. But myguess is that those people really don’t know muchabout the other sheriff in town, Iraqi dictator Saddamal-Hussein. Even the moderate Arab states are afraidof this guy. A moderate Arab, of course, being one whoonly holds a grudge for eight generations. … If yourecall, he’s the man who tried to build himself anuclear bomb — which, in Iraq’s case would be like atermite having a chain saw. … Trying to pick a goodguy from this bag o’ snakes makes me feel — realstupid. So, for an answer, I asked myself, “What wouldthose wretched bums in Flagstaff have thought?” Ithink they would’ve taken a swig of Bali Hai, burped,and said, “Kid, you’re an American — bet on thewinner.”
And that’s the Big Picture for tonight. Thank you.[applause]
Dennis Miller: Whitney! [shakes Whitney’shand]
A. Whitney Brown: Yes. Thank you.
Dennis Miller: Whitney Brown, ladies andgentlemen! Whitney Brown. And, you know, this just in,Whitney, the nations of Iraq and Iran merged today toform a new nation, “Iraq-an” [pronounced “I rock on.”]and … appointed Dick Clark spiritual leader….
You know, I’m just fascinated by that USA Todayweather map. …[Photo of Britain’s Princess Diana and her son whoresembles the kid from The Omen movie series]One final story. Princess Diana revealed that hereldest son is actually Damien, the child of Satan. …[Photo of Diana’s big-eared husband Prince Charles]Unbeknownst to Prince Charles who was in Dallasattending the Texas sesquicentennial where he wowed’em with his opening one-liner: “I just flew in fromLondon and, boy, are my ears tired.” …[applause]
Hey, that’s the news! I am out o’ here! Good night,ladies and gentlemen![Cheers, applause and burst of music as we fadeout.]