Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 11: Episode 12
Nancy Reagan…..Terry Sweeney
[Open on Nancy Reagan reading a book on a grayish-white chair next to a vase of pink and white flowers and a huge fireplace in a study room. The super, “A Public Service Announcement” appears at the bottom of the screen]
Announcer: The following is a public service announcement paid for by Friends of the First Lady.
[“A Public Service Announcement” super fades]
[Nancy continues reading as the camera slowly zooms in on her. Nancy then lifts her head up, closes the book, and addresses the camera]
Nancy Reagan: Hello, Im Nancy Reagan, and this is a copy of my daughter Pattis new book, Home Front [shows copy of book she was reading in the first few seconds of the PSA], which has been called a very revealing, behind-the-scenes look at the life of an idealistic [in the middle of Nancys sentence, a man in a blue, button-down shirt walks in front of the camera] young girl, rebelling against her narrow-minded, tyrannical parents who just coincidentally happen to be the governor and First Lady of California and who later end up in the White House. Unfortunately, its written in the first person, which gives this book an autobiographical feel that makes this kind of trashy fiction [slightly chuckles to conceal her rage]: seem almost real. Why, theres even ugly talk that the wife in the book, a repressed, cold, scheming manipulator, is based onwell, if you can believe thisme. [smiles]
Thats why Im here tonight to set the record straight. There is nothing in this book that remotely resembles [voice trembles]: our real life. For example, on page 156 [opens book to page 156], when she took her poor mother to that modern art gallery, with the six-foot phallic symbol painted Day-Glo colors. [closes book. Her sanity begins to waver as she delivers the next line]: Sometimes, at night, I close my eyes-and its there. [breathlessly]: Watching me, waiting for me, calling my name! [sobs, tears offending page out of Home Front, and rips it to shreds]: Oh, I hate that page! [sobs as she throws the torn pieces onto the floor, then composes herself]: I mean, I can imagine how the woman in the book must have felt.
Well, anyway, to make a long story short, Ive decided to write a book of my own. Its about a mother and a daughter, told from the mothers point of view. I call it, Bad Seed, [holds up copy of novel Bad Seed with cover that credits Nancy Reagan and Stephen King as authors]: and Ive chosen as my co-writer, Stephen King. [cheerfully]: Its the story of a gracious, upbeat, attractive former actress turned First Lady [tone of voice turns less cheerful]: who is terrorized by an ungrateful, loudmouthed, slovenly daughter who is possessed by the Devil. [bitterly]: Despite having every advantage known to man, she turns into a raving hippie who refuses to put even one lousy curler in that long, brown, stringy hair of hers [holds up Home Front to reveal the back of the book where Patti Daviss picture is. Nancys voice continues to waver with bitterness as she describes the rest of the book]: or wear even one of the tasteful, ladylike outfits her mother takes her valuable time to send her [growls]: every Christmas!
[puts Home Front down and calms herself]: My book, like my daughter, Pattis, is purely fiction. [smiles]: Thank you.
[cheers and applause as we fade out]
Submitted by: Candy