The Honeymooners: The Lost Episodes
Ralph Kramden…..George Wendt
Alice Kramden…..Nora Dunn
Ed Norton…..Anthony Michael Hall
[ open on Alice in the kitchen, as Ralph attempts to come through the front door ]
[ Alice goes to open the door, for Ralph, but he enters the room from behind a side wall of the set ]
Ralph Kramden: Alice, I’m home! [ laughing ] I was hiding in the bedroom the whole time! Honey, where’s my eats – I’m going bowling tonight!
Alice Kramden: Here you go, Ralph. [ places a small container in front of him ]
Ralph Kramden: What’s this?
Alice Kramden: Tuna fish.
Ralph Kramden: Tuna fish?
Alice Kramden: Well, my mambo lesson ran late, I didn’t have time to fix you a hot dinner.
Ralph Kramden: Mambo lessons? Mambo lessons?! All day long, I’ve been driving up and down Madison Avenue in that bus, when I come home I can’t have a hot supper because you’re taking mambo lessons?!
[ a knock at the door ]
Alice Kramden: Get the door, Ralph.
[ Ralph answers the door, letting Ed Norton enter ]
Ed Norton: Hey, what you say there, Ralphie boy? [ sets up a turntable near the front door ] I think I’ve got this thing figured out, Alice! [ puts a mambo record on, as he and Alice practice their dance moves ]
Ralph Kramden: Will you come on with that?! [ hits Norton, who stumbles into the record player ] This is too much! This time you’ve pushed me too far!
Alice Kramden: Oh, Ralph.. the only way I can push you is if I had a bulldozer.
Ralph Kramden: You’re a riot, Alice.. you’re a regular riot. One of these days, Alice, I’m telling you.. one of these days!
Alice Kramden: One of these days, what, Ralph? Your gut’s gonna hang over the top of your shoes?
Ralph Kramden: [ grumbles ] Bang, zoom – to the moon, Alice! to the moon!
Alice Kramden: Ha ha, hardy ha ha! You know, you’ve been saying that for years, Ralph. You’re all talk and no action! You’re just a big windbag!
Ralph Kramden: [ peeved once and for all, Ralph finally smacks Alice right in the jaw, knocking her to the floor ]
Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph? I never actually saw you connect before, Ralph!
Ralph Kramden: Get out!
Ed Norton: She went down like a sack of potatoes, huh?
Ralph Kramden: Get outta here, you!
Ed Norton: [ opens the door to leave ] Hey, Ralph, let me ask you one more question – was it uppercut, or across?
Ralph Kramden: Would you get out of here?! [ throws Norton out ]
Alice Kramden: [ comes to, rises slowly from the floor ]
Ralph Kramden: Honey, uh.. I’m awfully sorry.. [ pulls Alice up ] I don’t know why you put up with me, baby.. I know I never buy you anything, and I never take you anywhere.. I know we only have sex about once a year.. honey, could you forgive me? Please?
Alice Kramden: Oh, Ralph..
Ralph Kramden: Baby, you’re the greatest!
[ they kiss, to fade ]