SNL Transcripts: Oprah Winfrey: 04/12/86: Beat Her!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 11: Episode 14

85n: Oprah Winfrey / Joe Jackson

Beat Her!

…..Oprah Winfrey
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Danitra Vance


[ LORNE MICHAELS stands outside a dressing room door with a star on it. Below the star, a placard reads 8H7 with the name OPRAH WINFREY. Lorne knocks on the door. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah…

[ The door opens. Oprah walks through. ]

Oprah Winfrey: Yes, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: They told me in wardrobe you haven’t tried on your Aunt Jemima costume.

Oprah Winfrey: That’s right.

Lorne Michaels: Well… don’t you think you should try it on soon? It’s your first sketch.

Oprah Winfrey: I’m not doing it.

Lorne Michaels: Really? I think it’s a very, very funny sketch.

[ Oprah places her hands on her hips. ]

Oprah Winfrey: Like I said, I don’t do Aunt Jemima. And furthermore, I’m not doing the maid sketch. I’m not doing the Br’er Rabbit sketch. And you can just forget about me in the refrigerator repair sketch.

[ Oprah turns back to her dressing room and slams the door. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah! Gee…

[ DANITRA VANCE ambles in, dressed as Celie from The Color Purple, carrying a silver tray with a silver coffee pot and a single porcelain cup. ]

Danitra Vance: Here’s your coffee you wanted, Mr. Lorne.

[ Lorne takes the cup. ]

Lorne Michaels: Thanks, Danitra.

[ Lorne takes a sip. ]

Lorne Michaels: Danitra, you’re black?

Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne.

[ Lorne takes a moment. ]

Lorne Michaels: Maybe you could help me out?

Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: For some reason, Oprah won’t do anything I say.

Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: Danitra, what do you think I should do?

[ Danitra bites her lower lip and ponders for a moment. ]

Danitra Vance: Beat her!

[ Lorne gives a slight head nod and places the cup back on the tray. Danitra exits. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah, open the door!

[ The door flies open. Oprah stands in the frame. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah, you’re going to do the sketch or so help me…

[ Oprah slugs Lorne in the face then chokes him in a headlock. ]

Oprah Winfrey: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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