SNL Transcripts: Oprah Winfrey: 04/12/86: Beat Her!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 14


85n: Oprah Winfrey / Joe Jackson

Beat Her!

…..Oprah Winfrey
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Danitra Vance

INT. STUDIO 8H – HALLWAY – NIGHT

[ LORNE MICHAELS stands outside a dressing room door with a star on it. Below the star, a placard reads 8H7 with the name OPRAH WINFREY. Lorne knocks on the door. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah…

[ The door opens. Oprah walks through. ]

Oprah Winfrey: Yes, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: They told me in wardrobe you haven’t tried on your Aunt Jemima costume.

Oprah Winfrey: That’s right.

Lorne Michaels: Well… don’t you think you should try it on soon? It’s your first sketch.

Oprah Winfrey: I’m not doing it.

Lorne Michaels: Really? I think it’s a very, very funny sketch.

[ Oprah places her hands on her hips. ]

Oprah Winfrey: Like I said, I don’t do Aunt Jemima. And furthermore, I’m not doing the maid sketch. I’m not doing the Br’er Rabbit sketch. And you can just forget about me in the refrigerator repair sketch.

[ Oprah turns back to her dressing room and slams the door. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah! Gee…

[ DANITRA VANCE ambles in, dressed as Celie from The Color Purple, carrying a silver tray with a silver coffee pot and a single porcelain cup. ]

Danitra Vance: Here’s your coffee you wanted, Mr. Lorne.

[ Lorne takes the cup. ]

Lorne Michaels: Thanks, Danitra.

[ Lorne takes a sip. ]

Lorne Michaels: Danitra, you’re black?

Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne.

[ Lorne takes a moment. ]

Lorne Michaels: Maybe you could help me out?

Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: For some reason, Oprah won’t do anything I say.

Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: Danitra, what do you think I should do?

[ Danitra bites her lower lip and ponders for a moment. ]

Danitra Vance: Beat her!

[ Lorne gives a slight head nod and places the cup back on the tray. Danitra exits. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah, open the door!

[ The door flies open. Oprah stands in the frame. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah, you’re going to do the sketch or so help me…

[ Oprah slugs Lorne in the face then chokes him in a headlock. ]

Oprah Winfrey: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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