SNL Transcripts: Tony Danza: 04/19/86: Lyndon LaRouche Theatre


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 11: Episode 15

85o: Tony Danza / Laurie Anderson

Lyndon LaRouche Theatre

Adrian…..Tony Danza
Queen Elizabeth…..Joan Cusack
Henry Kissinger…..Al Franken
Prince Charles…..Jon Lovitz
Lyndon LaRouche…..Randy Quaid




[ Photos of various LaRouches and LYNDON LAROUCHE himself adorn an oak shelf. Nestled by the photos are two campaign bumper stickers. One reads: MORE NUKES, LESS KOOKS. Another reads: THROW JANE FONDA TO THE WHALES. Lyndon sits in a leather reclined chair, holding a leather bound book. ]

Lyndon LaRouche: Good evening, I’m Lyndon LaRouche and welcome to “Lyndon LaRouche Theatre”. As you remember from last week – the evil, homosexual Henry Kissinger had conspired with the degenerate drug pusher Queen Elizabeth to traffic in narcotics, to raise foreign exchange currency for the decaying British Empire. The satanic Kissinger, himself a Soviet agent, had in collusion with the sinister David Rockefeller and their accomplice – the self-important George Bush, arranged to lend billions to third world nations at luxurious rates; all part of a treacherous plot to commit genocide on the African subcontinent. A plot hatched in the mind of the most evil man of the 20th century – Walter Mondale. In tonight episode, The Royal Cut, the flaccid, depraved Kissinger is doing the bidding of villainess and equally unattractive Queen Elizabeth…


[ QUEEN ELIZABETH measures heroin on a scale, packages it, places it in a foam-padded silver briefcase, and shuts it. HENRY KISSINGER watches the Queen standing while his lover ADRIAN has his hands all over him. ]

Queen Elizabeth: This is the most purest heroin ever! You must thank David Rockefeller for me.

Henry Kissinger: I will. Here’s the cash from the last run.

[ Kissinger hands the Queen a briefcase. She opens it. ]

Henry Kissinger: It’s all there.

Queen Elizabeth: Yes, we’ve done business together before. I trust you. Your homosexual lover is quite beautiful, Henry.

Henry Kissinger: Yes. He has a beautifully battered face. Don’t you think?

[ The Queen extends her hand onto Adrian. ]

Henry Kissinger: Keep your clammy hands off him! I told you – he’s mine!

[ The Queen goes around Adrian. ]

Queen Elizabeth: Whatever do you see in this ugly man?

Adrian: He’s so e-v-v-il. I find wickedness such a turn-on! Did you know Henry planned to enslave the third world?

[ Adrian embraces Kissinger. ]

Queen Elizabeth: Truly it was my idea.

Henry Kissinger: Well… the three of us… you, me, and Walter Mondale.

Queen Elizabeth: Enough chit-chat! I want you and Adrian to take this heroin to America and distribute it to our Eastern friends.

Henry Kissinger: Perhaps you can get someone else to do it.

Queen Elizabeth: Why Henry!? It’s not like you to get cold feet.

Henry Kissinger: Well lately, it’s this Lyndon LaRouche guy. He’s making things very hard right now.

Adrian: Henry wakes up screaming in a sweat. Every night, screaming LaRouche’s name! I have to give him cold alcohol rubs to put him back to sleep.

[ Adrian massages Kissinger, who moans in joy. ]

Queen Elizabeth: I can’t believe LaRouche is still a menace. Didn’t we pass on orders to NBC News and the Jesuits to make sure he’d be discredited?

Henry Kissinger: Yes, but it backfired. LaRouche is more powerful with the common people.

[ The Queen gags. ]

Queen Elizabeth: Ugh! The common people…

Henry Kissinger: Anyway, anyway sweetie… you’re going to have to find someone else to deliver this smack!

[ Kissinger shoves the silver briefcase into the Queen’s chest. ]

Queen Elizabeth: But whom?

[ PRINCE CHARLES opens the door and hops in. ]

Prince Charles: Hello Mum! Come to say goodbye! Diana and I are off to Palm Beach for the polo!

[ The Queen, Kissinger, and Adrian smile. ]

Queen Elizabeth: Charles, be a good lad and take this case to Palm Beach. I’ll have Vice President Bush come there to meet you and pick it up.

[ The Queen hands the silver briefcase to Charles. ]

Prince Charles: Alright Mum! What’s in it?

Queen Elizabeth: A tarantula!

Prince Charles: Well, I shall be careful then. Cheerio Mum!

[ Charles exits. ]

Henry Kissinger: Boy, what a moron. What is it? The inbreeding or what?

[ Adrian tussles with his collar. ]

Adrian: I thought he was cute… in a weird sort of way…

[ Charles re-enters. ]

Prince Charles: Mother, won’t the tarantula suffocate?

Queen Elizabeth: No, he’ll be fine! They can live for months without food or water. Just go!

Prince Charles: Very well then! Bye Mum!

[ Charles exits. The Queen shuts the door. All three cackle. Kissinger caresses Adrian’s chest, but Adrian turns away as the Queens caresses Adrian’s right cheek. She and Kissinger attempt a three-way kiss. ]


Lyndon LaRouche: Next week in part three, diabolical Kissinger and miscreant Elizabeth engage KGB agents to assassinate me while continuing to sponsor attacks in the media which attempt to foster one of the most monstrous lies of the 20th century – that I am insane. Thank you and good night.

[ LaRouche nods down while cradling the book. The camera pans over to the oak shelf. ]



Submitted by: Cody Downs

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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