Unconditional Love

0
(0)


Unconditional Love

…..Tony Danza
…..Joan Cusack


[ open on interior, bedroom ]

Wife: I love you so much!

Husband: I love you!

Wife: I love you more!

Husband: I love you more!

Wife: No, I love you more. You have no idea how much I love you.

Husband: Oh, yes, I do!

Wife: No, you don’t. Because I have no idea! How much do you love me?

Husband: A lot!

Wife: Just a lot?

Husband: Well, what do you want me to say?

Wife: I want you to say you love me more than anything in the world!

Husband: I love you more than anything in the world!

Wife: You’re just saying that.

Husband: Kathy, come on.. I really do love you. I love you, I love you, I love you!

Wife: More than the Knicks?

Husband: [ thinking ] Well.. this year! [ laughs ] I love you!

Wife: Why? Why do you love me?

Husband: Why? Well, because.. because you’re beautiful.. and because you’re wonderful.. and because you’re terrific.. and because you have a really great.. [ looks at her chest ] uh.. you’re loveable! you’re loveable, that’s all.. [ she remains silent ] What?

Wife: You don’t love me for me! What if I was fat? Would you love me if I was 300 pounds?

Husband: Your breasts would be bigger! [ laughs ]

Wife: Come on!

Husband: I’m joking! I’m joking here!

Wife: Would you love me if I was six inches tall, and you had to carry me around in a shoebox?

Husband: I love you!

Wife: What if my arm was 40 feet long, and you had to move it around in a truck.

Husband: Okay.. you talk so big? You talk big? Let me ask you something – would you love me if I was going bald?

Wife: [ thinking ] I would love you if everything you touched turned bald.

Husband: [ impressed ] Ooohhhh! I love you, I love you!

Wife: Would you love me if I refused to ever have sex with you again?

Husband: In a different way..

Wife: Would you love me if I hated you?

Husband: Now, wait a second!

Wife: Answer the question!

Husband: Wait a second..

Wife: God! You have to think about it?

Husband: No! I love you! I love you!

Wife: Would you.. love me if I was seeing someone else?

Husband: [ caught off guard ] What?

Wife: Would you love me if I was seeing someone on and off for the last eleven weeks, more on than off?

Husband: Now, now, now.. wait a minute, what’s going on here?!

Wife: Just answer the question. [ phone rings ] That could be him.

[ phone rings again ]

Husband: Answer the phone!

Wife: Answer my question!

Husband: [ reaches over the bed, grabs the phone and slams it to the ground ]

Wife: Why, you crazy.. [ she picks the phone up from the ground ] Hello? Oh, hi, Mrs. Scarpelli. Yeah, he’s right here, hold on a second..

Husband: [ takes the phone ] Hi, Mom! [ laughs ] No, Mom, everything’s fine, everything’s okay! I just dropped it down by accident! Yeah. Yes, Mom, I love you. Yes. A lot! Oh, come on, Mom..!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
0 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments