SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: My Friend


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 18

85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

My Friend

Tracy…..Joan Cusack
Dana…..Danitra Vance
Colonel Sanders…..Billy Martin
…..Lorne Michaels
Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Tracy and Dana talking in a kitchen. Dana is seated, as Tracy pours another cup of coffee. ]

Tracy: The main thing is to give yourself a little slack, Dana. [ she sits at the table ] You can’t expect to solve all of the world’s problems by yourself.

Dana: I know – you’re right, as usual. But, you know.. boy.. I really am glad I have you to listen to my problems, because I’d be in bad shape if it wasn’t for you.

Tracy: Oh, come on!

Dana: No, really! You know, you have such a great outlook on life.

Tracy: Well, thanks.

Dana: And, now, what happens when you have a problem? Do you have a friend that you can talk things over with?

Tracy: A friend? [ sentimental piano music begins to play ] Yes, I suppose you could call him a.. “friend.” In fact, I have to say he’s the best “friend” I’ve ever had.

Dana: Oh, that’s great! Your friend, uh, does he live here in town?

Tracy: Yes, in a way, he does live here in town. You might even say he’s been around here longer than you or I have.

Dana: Ohhh, sounds like an older guy.

Tracy: Yes, I.. suppose you could say he’s old in years, and I guess some people might even say he’s old-fashioned or behind the times, but.. you know something? Sometimes I find the things he says are just as timely as today’s newspapers.

Dana: I’d like to meet your friend. Where does he live?

Tracy: Oh. I bet you’ve walked by his.. “house” many times without even realizing it. In fact, my “friend” has lots of.. “houses” all over the world.

Dana: [ impressed ] Ohhh, sounds like a rich guy.

Tracy: Rich? Oh, I suppose he’s rich, in a way. But, in another sense, he has no use for gold or silver —

Dana: Well. I’d like to meet your friend sometime, to talk to him.

Tracy: I try to talk to my “friend” at least once a day. And, you know, it makes me feel better. Maybe you’d like to join me today.

Dana: [ excited ] Oh! Oh, sure, but.. I’d have to change. You know, I’m not really dressed up.

Tracy: You know, I have a funny feeling my “friend” won’t mind at all! [ a knock is heard at the door ] Huh? He’s here early today!

[ Tracy stands, as Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame enters through the kitchen door ]

Dana: Hello there!

Tracy: Dana, Colonel Sanders – Colonel Sanders, Dana!

Dana: Hi!

Colonel Sanders: Hi.

Dana: Oh, Tracy’s given me a really big build-up about you!

Colonel Sanders: Well, it’s an honor to meet you, Dana. Oh, what did she say, I’m Superman and Phil Donahue all rolled up in one?

Tracy: [ rubs Colonel Sanders’ shoulder ] Oh, well, you are, aren’t you?

Colonel Sanders: Well, well, I’m relaly just a good listener. That’s so rare these days. Uh.. so, Dana, uh – uh – what’s your name? [ Billy Martin breaks character ] Hey, can we do this over? I think I can do it —

Joan Cusack: [ breaks character ] Billy, Billy! Billy, you’re drunk!

Billy Martin: I had two beers!

Danitra Vance: [ breaks character ] Oh, you promised, Billy!

Tracy: Oh, Billy, how could you do this?! Not to us, but to yourself?!

Billy Martin: [ defensive ] I just had two beers!!

Tracy & Dana: Ohhhh!!

[ Joan and Danitra stomp off the set, as Billy looks dumbfounded behind his Colonel Sanders make-up ] [ Lorne Michaels storms onto the set ]

Lorne Michaels: Billy, that’s it! You can’t do live television! You’re blowing cues all night – you’re fired! Outta here! [ storms away ]

Billy Martin: [ waving his arms ] Good! Good!! I don’t want your charity! The hell with ya! [ overturns the kitchen table, then storms off the opposite side of the set ] [ the head of Mephistopheles materializes at the center of the screen, laughing and coughing maniacally ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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