Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 18
Colonel Sanders…..Billy Martin
[ open on Tracy and Dana talking in a kitchen. Dana is seated, as Tracy pours another cup of coffee. ]
Tracy: The main thing is to give yourself a little slack, Dana. [ she sits at the table ] You can’t expect to solve all of the world’s problems by yourself.
Dana: I know – you’re right, as usual. But, you know.. boy.. I really am glad I have you to listen to my problems, because I’d be in bad shape if it wasn’t for you.
Tracy: Oh, come on!
Dana: No, really! You know, you have such a great outlook on life.
Tracy: Well, thanks.
Dana: And, now, what happens when you have a problem? Do you have a friend that you can talk things over with?
Tracy: A friend? [ sentimental piano music begins to play ] Yes, I suppose you could call him a.. “friend.” In fact, I have to say he’s the best “friend” I’ve ever had.
Dana: Oh, that’s great! Your friend, uh, does he live here in town?
Tracy: Yes, in a way, he does live here in town. You might even say he’s been around here longer than you or I have.
Dana: Ohhh, sounds like an older guy.
Tracy: Yes, I.. suppose you could say he’s old in years, and I guess some people might even say he’s old-fashioned or behind the times, but.. you know something? Sometimes I find the things he says are just as timely as today’s newspapers.
Dana: I’d like to meet your friend. Where does he live?
Tracy: Oh. I bet you’ve walked by his.. “house” many times without even realizing it. In fact, my “friend” has lots of.. “houses” all over the world.
Dana: [ impressed ] Ohhh, sounds like a rich guy.
Tracy: Rich? Oh, I suppose he’s rich, in a way. But, in another sense, he has no use for gold or silver —
Dana: Well. I’d like to meet your friend sometime, to talk to him.
Tracy: I try to talk to my “friend” at least once a day. And, you know, it makes me feel better. Maybe you’d like to join me today.
Dana: [ excited ] Oh! Oh, sure, but.. I’d have to change. You know, I’m not really dressed up.
Tracy: You know, I have a funny feeling my “friend” won’t mind at all! [ a knock is heard at the door ] Huh? He’s here early today![ Tracy stands, as Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame enters through the kitchen door ]
Dana: Hello there!
Tracy: Dana, Colonel Sanders – Colonel Sanders, Dana!
Colonel Sanders: Hi.
Dana: Oh, Tracy’s given me a really big build-up about you!
Colonel Sanders: Well, it’s an honor to meet you, Dana. Oh, what did she say, I’m Superman and Phil Donahue all rolled up in one?
Tracy: [ rubs Colonel Sanders’ shoulder ] Oh, well, you are, aren’t you?
Colonel Sanders: Well, well, I’m relaly just a good listener. That’s so rare these days. Uh.. so, Dana, uh – uh – what’s your name? [ Billy Martin breaks character ] Hey, can we do this over? I think I can do it —
Joan Cusack: [ breaks character ] Billy, Billy! Billy, you’re drunk!
Billy Martin: I had two beers!
Danitra Vance: [ breaks character ] Oh, you promised, Billy!
Tracy: Oh, Billy, how could you do this?! Not to us, but to yourself?!
Billy Martin: [ defensive ] I just had two beers!!
Tracy & Dana: Ohhhh!![ Joan and Danitra stomp off the set, as Billy looks dumbfounded behind his Colonel Sanders make-up ] [ Lorne Michaels storms onto the set ]
Lorne Michaels: Billy, that’s it! You can’t do live television! You’re blowing cues all night – you’re fired! Outta here! [ storms away ]
Billy Martin: [ waving his arms ] Good! Good!! I don’t want your charity! The hell with ya! [ overturns the kitchen table, then storms off the opposite side of the set ] [ the head of Mephistopheles materializes at the center of the screen, laughing and coughing maniacally ] [ fade ]