SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 18

85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic


…..Lorne Michaels
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Anjelica Huston
…..Billy Martin

[ open on interior, Cast Dressing Room – cast members putting their things away before the Cast Party after the show ]

Randy Quaid: [ entering ] Hey, hey, hey, good show, everybody!

[ the cast applaud themselves and pass high-fives around ]

Dennis Miller: All over but the Goodnights, huh?

Nora Dunn: Ah, it’s hard to believe we’re not gonna be back here until next October!

Robert Downey, Jr.: Wow..

Danitra Vance: Yeah, it’s really strange!

Terry Sweeney: Hey, I’m gonna miss all of you this summer..

[ everyone shares the sentiment ]

Robert Downey, Jr.: Hey, I don’t know about you guys, but I am pumped for next year!

Everyone: Yeah!!

Randy Quaid: Hey, hey – uh, does anybody smell gasoline?

[ cut to exterior, Cast Dressing Room – Billy Martin dousing the exit door and surrounding walls with gasoline. Lorne Michaels approaches. ]

Lorne Michaels: Billy! What are you doing?

Billy Martin: I’m setting the room on fire. That’s what I’m doing!

Lorne Michaels: [ confused ] What do you mean?

Billy Martin: What do I mean? Listen, Michaels – if I’m fired, then I’m taking the cast with me!

Lorne Michaels: Billy, are you crazy? If you set the cast on fire, they won’t be able to do the show next year.

Billy Martin: That’s right, bigshot! [ lights a match, sparking a fire in the hall, then runs off ]

Lorne Michaels: [ moderately desperate ] I’ve got to go in there. [ enters Dressing Room, then quickly emerges with a startled Jon Lovitz ]

Jon Lovitz: What are you doing? I’ve gotta wave goodbye!

Lorne Michaels: Don’t ask any questions, Jon! Just go downstairs to my limosine and wait for me there. [ Jon obeys and exits ] Writers! Writers!

[ three yuppie writers come down the hall ]

Writers: Yes, Mr. Michaels?

Lorne Michaels: Uh.. there’s some candy and chocolates in the dressing room – go in there and help yourself..

Writers: Oh, thank you! [ enter the Dressing Room ]

Lorne Michaels: Great job this year! Help yourself! [ closes the door behind them, then rushes off ] [ cut to Center Stage, Anjelica Huston and Parliament Funk ready for the Goodnights ]

Anjelica Huston: Is Billy Martin around?

Billy Martin: [ walks up, covered in smoke stains ] Here I am!

Anjelica Huston: Oh, Billy. Billy, are you okay?

Billy Martin: I never felt better!

Anjelica Huston: Well, me, too! Goodnight, everybody!

Billy Martin: Goodnight!

[ cue Closing Music ] [ dissolve to Cast Dressing Room – remaining cast trapped by the smoldering flames ] [ SUPER: “Who Will Survive?” ] [ SUPER: “Who Will Perish?” ] [ SUPER: “Tune in October 11th” ] [ credits roll, reading “Executive Producer: Lorne Michaels? – Producers: Al Franken? Tom Davis?” and so on, until a giant red “?” appears in the middle of the screen ] [ fade out ]

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