Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 18
Hands Across America
Kevin Brennan…..Randy Quaid
Supporter #1…..Joan Cusack
Supporter #2…..Billy Martin
Supporter #3…..Danita Vance
Supporter…..Robert Downey Jr.
[ PROMOTIONAL FOOTAGE from VOICES OF AMERICA’S “HANDS ACROSS AMERICA” MUSIC VIDEO ]
“Hands Across America
Hands across the land I love
Divided We Fall
United We Stand
Hands Across America”
[ EXT. TEXAS – DAY ]
[ SUPER: SOMEWHERE IN WEST TEXAS ]
Leader: Listen, everybody! Listen!! Please, stop, please!! There are pickpockets working the lines! If you feel your pocket is being picked, do not hold… don’t stop holding hands! Shout for help!! Okay!? THIS IS HANDS ACROSS AMERICA!!!
[ The crowd cheers. ]
Supporter #1: So what made you want to do this, huh?
Supporter #2: When I saw that Chernobyl thing, I said to myself, “This nuclear madness has got to stop!”
Supporter #1: Well, this is for the homeless…
Supporter #2: Homeless?
Supporter #1: Yeah… this is to raise money for the homeless.
Supporter #2: Those bums!? Oh, well… As long as I’m here, I’ll stay.
[ KEVIN BRENNAN, a disabled athlete, hobbles in. ]
Kevin Brennan: Excuse me, could I get in through here, please?
Supporter #3: I’m sorry…
Kevin Brennan: Please! I have to get through.
Supporter #1: We can’t let go. I’m sorry but we can’t let go.
Kevin Brennan: Don’t you know who I am!? Huh? Huh?
Supporter #2: No.
Kevin Brennan: I’m Kevin Brennan — the one-legged runner. Huh? I’m running from Texas to Minnesota to call attention to the dangers of cleats on mall escalators.
Supporter #3: No, I haven’t. But I’m sorry, we can’t break the chain — this is Hands Across America.
Kevin Brennan: You mean this goes all the way across the continent!?
Supporter #2: Yep.
Kevin Brennan: Why are you doing this!?
Supporter #1: To raise money for the homeless.
Kevin Brennan: What? Those bums!? Come on! Let me through!
Supporter #3: We wish we could, but we can’t!
Kevin Brennan: So basically, what you’re telling me is – you’re not gonna let me though?
Supporter #1: Pretty much… Yeah!
Kevin Brennan: Great!! Well, thanks a lot! I guess I’ll see if I can have any further luck down the line. Oh, but first, there’s something I want to say to you people… Oh, golly… I forgot what I wanted to say… oh, yeah! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Submitted by: Cody Downs