SNL Transcripts: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin: 05/24/86: Anjelica Huston’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 18




85r: Anjelica Huston & Billy Martin / George Clinton & Parliament Funkedelic

Anjelica Huston’s Monologue

…..Anjelica Huston
…..Anthony Michael Hall
Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz
…..Billy Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Anjelica Huston!

Anjelica Huston: Thank you! Thank you, this is really a thrill for me, hosting the show. It’s my first time on live television, except, of course, at the Oscars. [ the audience applauds ] I have to say “Thank you.” – you saw it. Of course, I was tremendously honored, and belated, and everything else – uh, until the next morning when someone reminded me of the curse of the Oscars. Now, at first I thought that’s realy stupid. How could there be a curse on winning an Academy Award? Then, tonight, it hit me: I’m hosting “Saturday Night.” Anyway, I’ve never done this, I’ve never stood on a stage and actually told jokes. But I’m going to try. so here goes:

Imelda Marcos and Bob Geldof are on a raft. And their supplies are running out. Then they see a dock, so they paddle furiously —

[ cut to backstage, where Huston can be seen on a monitor delivering her monologue as Anthony Michael Hall walks down the corridor ]

Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, she’s funny. [ stops when he ses Billy Martin dressing in front of a locker ] Angelica’s doing great, huh? She’s really beautiful.

Billy Martin: She is.

Anthony Michael Hall: Is she the host tonight, Billy? Because I thought you were.

Billy Martin: We kinda both are – I guess.

Anthony Michael Hall: I think it’s great that you’re here, you know, and that, uh, Lorne and the show is taking such a big risk on you.

Billy Martin: Oh, thanks.

Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah. Oh, I hate to ask you this, Billy, but could you do me a favor, man? [ pulls a baseball out of his inside jacket pocket ] Could you autograph this ball?

Billy Martin: Oh sure, I’d be glad to. Hey, this is an old one, isn’t it?

Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah, it’s the third home run ball that Reggie hit in the ’77 World Series. You remember that?

Billy Martin: Yeah. Did you catch this ball?

Anthony Michael Hall: No, no. Actually, my businessman bought the ball. My business manager – excuse me, Billy. At an auction. so, uh – yeah, it’s kind of an investment thing.

Billy Martin: Oh, I see. [ signs the ball ] [ fake audience laughter can be heard from the inside studio ]

Anthony Michael Hall: So, you managing a team now, Billy?

Billy Martin: No, not at this moment.

Anthony Michael Hall: Why? Because nobody wants you, and they feel you can’t hold down a job?

Billy Martin: You know, it’s a good thing I’ve changed. The old self-destructive Billy Martin would have punched a guy out for saying something like that.

Anthony Michael Hall: Sorry, Billy.

Billy Martin: Aw, it’s okay. I have a new attitude these days. I had some time to reflect on things, get a new outlook, met a wonderful woman —

Anthony Michael Hall: Alright!

Billy Martin: I’ll tell you – my whole life’s in upswing now. I’ve wrassled with my demons, and I’ve won.

Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, that’s great! I’m really glad to hear that, Billy. I need that ball back, and that pen. [ Billy returns the items ] Thanks for the autograph, Billy, I gotta run! [ exits corridor ]

Billy Martin: You’re welcome. You’re welcome.

[ suddenly, Mephistopheles materializes behind Billy ]

Billy Martin: You again?

Mephistopheles: Yes, Billy. Nice to see you. [ notices the laughter coming from the studio ] Well, you’ve sunk to a new low, hosting a comedy show.

Billy Martin: Hey, I’m having a good time out here. They’re really nice to me.

Mephistopheles: You’d better face facts, Billy – they only invited you here to humiliate you. They just want to see how far they can push you before you explode.

Billy Martin: That’s not true. The producer here likes me. You know, Lorne Michaels knows that a man can change.

Mephistopheles: [ laughs maniacally ]

Billy Martin: Get out of here!

Mephistopheles: [ laughs, coughs, dematerializes ] [ audience applause can be heard from the inside studio, as Huston enters the corridor and stops next to Billy ]

Billy Martin: You look like you went over big out there!

Anjelica Huston: Well, God, I was so nervous at first, but then it was like the audience reached out and embraced me. I’ve never felt such warmth and affection and.. approval. I was just basking in it!

Billy Martin: Well, good for you.

Anjelica Huston: Well, I hope you weren’t offended by that joke I did – I mean, you know, about how you can’t hold down a job?

Billy Martin: Oh, I know that, I —

Anjelica Huston: It wasn’t anything personal.

Billy Martin: Oh, I know. I know. Yeah.

Anjelica Huston: Well, I just can’t tell you what a charge– that is. Live TV!

Billy Martin: Yeah! And you’re gonna see a new Billy Martin tonight.

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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