Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 18
Anjelica Huston’s Monologue
…..Anthony Michael Hall
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Anjelica Huston!
Anjelica Huston: Thank you! Thank you, this is really a thrill for me, hosting the show. It’s my first time on live television, except, of course, at the Oscars. [ the audience applauds ] I have to say “Thank you.” – you saw it. Of course, I was tremendously honored, and belated, and everything else – uh, until the next morning when someone reminded me of the curse of the Oscars. Now, at first I thought that’s realy stupid. How could there be a curse on winning an Academy Award? Then, tonight, it hit me: I’m hosting “Saturday Night.” Anyway, I’ve never done this, I’ve never stood on a stage and actually told jokes. But I’m going to try. so here goes:
Imelda Marcos and Bob Geldof are on a raft. And their supplies are running out. Then they see a dock, so they paddle furiously —
Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, she’s funny. [ stops when he ses Billy Martin dressing in front of a locker ] Angelica’s doing great, huh? She’s really beautiful.
Billy Martin: She is.
Anthony Michael Hall: Is she the host tonight, Billy? Because I thought you were.
Billy Martin: We kinda both are – I guess.
Anthony Michael Hall: I think it’s great that you’re here, you know, and that, uh, Lorne and the show is taking such a big risk on you.
Billy Martin: Oh, thanks.
Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah. Oh, I hate to ask you this, Billy, but could you do me a favor, man? [ pulls a baseball out of his inside jacket pocket ] Could you autograph this ball?
Billy Martin: Oh sure, I’d be glad to. Hey, this is an old one, isn’t it?
Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah, it’s the third home run ball that Reggie hit in the ’77 World Series. You remember that?
Billy Martin: Yeah. Did you catch this ball?
Anthony Michael Hall: No, no. Actually, my businessman bought the ball. My business manager – excuse me, Billy. At an auction. so, uh – yeah, it’s kind of an investment thing.
Billy Martin: Oh, I see. [ signs the ball ] [ fake audience laughter can be heard from the inside studio ]
Anthony Michael Hall: So, you managing a team now, Billy?
Billy Martin: No, not at this moment.
Anthony Michael Hall: Why? Because nobody wants you, and they feel you can’t hold down a job?
Billy Martin: You know, it’s a good thing I’ve changed. The old self-destructive Billy Martin would have punched a guy out for saying something like that.
Anthony Michael Hall: Sorry, Billy.
Billy Martin: Aw, it’s okay. I have a new attitude these days. I had some time to reflect on things, get a new outlook, met a wonderful woman —
Anthony Michael Hall: Alright!
Billy Martin: I’ll tell you – my whole life’s in upswing now. I’ve wrassled with my demons, and I’ve won.
Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, that’s great! I’m really glad to hear that, Billy. I need that ball back, and that pen. [ Billy returns the items ] Thanks for the autograph, Billy, I gotta run! [ exits corridor ]
Billy Martin: You’re welcome. You’re welcome.[ suddenly, Mephistopheles materializes behind Billy ]
Billy Martin: You again?
Mephistopheles: Yes, Billy. Nice to see you. [ notices the laughter coming from the studio ] Well, you’ve sunk to a new low, hosting a comedy show.
Billy Martin: Hey, I’m having a good time out here. They’re really nice to me.
Mephistopheles: You’d better face facts, Billy – they only invited you here to humiliate you. They just want to see how far they can push you before you explode.
Billy Martin: That’s not true. The producer here likes me. You know, Lorne Michaels knows that a man can change.
Mephistopheles: [ laughs maniacally ]
Billy Martin: Get out of here!
Mephistopheles: [ laughs, coughs, dematerializes ] [ audience applause can be heard from the inside studio, as Huston enters the corridor and stops next to Billy ]
Billy Martin: You look like you went over big out there!
Anjelica Huston: Well, God, I was so nervous at first, but then it was like the audience reached out and embraced me. I’ve never felt such warmth and affection and.. approval. I was just basking in it!
Billy Martin: Well, good for you.
Anjelica Huston: Well, I hope you weren’t offended by that joke I did – I mean, you know, about how you can’t hold down a job?
Billy Martin: Oh, I know that, I —
Anjelica Huston: It wasn’t anything personal.
Billy Martin: Oh, I know. I know. Yeah.
Anjelica Huston: Well, I just can’t tell you what a charge– that is. Live TV!
Billy Martin: Yeah! And you’re gonna see a new Billy Martin tonight.