The Pathological Liar


The Pathological Liar

Miss Harrington…..Sigourney Weaver
Laura…..Nora Dunn
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Miss Harrington and Laura having tea together in her home ]

Miss Harrington: But I don’t understand – why are you telling me this?

Laura: I’m telling you, because Tommy Flanagan is a pathological lair, and he’s been making fools of both of us!

Miss Harrington: No. It’s just not possible. Thomas is too sweet.

Laura: Alright, then, answer me this – where was he last weekend?

Miss Harrington: At the Master’s Tennis Open. He came in second, you know.

Laura: Wrong! He was with me in Atlantic City! He even got me these diamond earrings!

Miss Harrington: Oh, those are lovely! I used to have a pair exactly like them.

Laura: You did?

Miss Harrington: Oh, but some burglars broke in last week. Fortunately, that’s all they got, because Thomas chased them off. He’s so brave! Anyway.. mine weren’t real, just cheap costume jewelry.. [ Laura pulls her earrings off, as the doorbell rings ] Oh! That must be him! [ answers the door ]

Tommy Flanagan: [ enters, noticing Laura right away ] Laura! What are you..? I mean.. uh.. uh.. uh.. who’s this?

Laura: You see? He knows me!

Tommy Flanagan: Uh, yeah.. I.. I seen you on TV!

Laura: I’ve never been on TV!

Tommy Flanagan: Uh, yeah.. you were on.. “Candid Camera”!

Laura: I was?

Miss Harrington: I think I saw that show! How was your day, dear?

Tommy Flanagan: Uh, uh.. pretty good.. I had lunch with the President! Yeah! In fact, he promoted me! Yeah. I’m gonna be the new spokesman for the State Department! Yeah.. sure, I am. It turned out that other guy was a liar! Well, I gotta go..

Miss Harrington: But you just got here.

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah, well, I.. I.. I got some business in.. in.. in Nicauragua!

Laura: Tommy! Before you take off, maybe Miss Harrington should read this note you left by my bed this morning! [ holds up note ]

Miss Harrington: [ reads ] “Dear Laura: Sorry about last night. That’s never happened to me before. It was the first time. That’s it! Yeah! That is the ticket!”

Tommy Flanagan: Well.. I couldn’t have written that! I don’t talk like that!

Miss Harrington: And, besides, that happens to him all the time!

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! [ frowns ]

Laura: Oh, well, then.. what about this tattoo you talk me into getting! [ pulls shirt open to reveal “Tommy” surrounded by hearts on her chest ]

Tommy Flanagan: That.. it’s, uh.. uh.. yeah!

Miss Harrington: There! You see?

Tommy Flanagan: There! You see?

Laura: Alright, then! [ holds up newspaper ] How about this picture of us in the picture together, dated last Thursday?

Miss Harrington: Thomas.. I hope you can explain this!

Tommy Flanagan: Alright, alright, ladies.. I’m gonna come clean with ya.. I’m gonna tell you the truth! [ paces ] You see.. the truth is.. uh.. that, uh.. that’s my double! Yeah! I’m a spy! Yeah, in fact.. I’m a double agent! Yeah, that’s it! Why, I’m so important, there’s two of me! Yeah! And they sent him to Atlantic City to see, uh.. to see if there was any gambling going on! Yeah. And they still don’t know!

Laura: But it looks just like you!

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, no, no.. that’s black and white! I’m in color!

Miss Harrington: Oh! Well, that explains everything!

Laura: Yeah, I guess so.. I guess I owe the both of youse a big apology..

Tommy Flanagan: Well, uh.. don’t worry about it. Well, there’s the door.. [ Laura prepares to leave ] Well, if I see your double, I’ll.. I’ll tell him to call you first thing Monday morning.. say.. 9:00 AM.

Laura: Uh.. at work?

Tommy Flanagan:’d better make it home, he doesn’t have your work number..

Laura: Okay..

Tommy Flanagan: Well.. uh.. goodbye! [ kisses her passionately behind Miss Harrington’s back ]

Laura: Nice meeting you, Mrs. Harrington! [ exits ]

Miss Harrington: Thomas. Do you have something you want to tell me?

Tommy Flanagan: Uh.. yeah, I do, Louise..

Miss Harrington: Margaret!

Tommy Flanagan: Uh.. well, youknow how I said I was at the Master’s Tennis Open..?

Miss Harrington: Yes?

Tommy Flanagan: And I said I came in second?

Miss Harrington: Yes?

Tommy Flanagan: Well, I.. I didn’t.. I came in first! Yeah, that’s it! In fact, it was, uh.. uh.. it was Wimbeldon! And I beat Ivan Lendl with one hand tied behind my foot! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Miss Harrington: Oh, Thomas! I’m so proud!

[ they make out, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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