Quiz Masters


Quiz Masters

Bill Franklin…..Phil Hartman
Marge Keister…..Jan Hooks
Lane Maxwell…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: It’s time once again for America’s most challenging game show – “Quiz Masters”, with your host, “Big” Bill Franklin!

Bill Franklin: Thank you! Thanks a lot! Hey, do you like the new haircut? I went to Pat Sajak’s barber, I thought it might help the ratings, who knows..? [ Lane Maxwell buzzes in ] Uh.. yeas?

Lane Maxwell: Lake Superior!

Bill Franklin: I’m sorry?

Lane Maxwell: Lake Superior! That’s the answer to the first question!

Bill Franklin: Whoa, slow down, my friend! The game has not yet begun! First, let’s meet our contestants! [ walks over ] Hello, what’s your name, and what do you do?

Marge Keister: Hello! I’m Marge Keister, and I work for Crackerjacks, Inc.

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] Lake Superior!

Bill Franklin: [ throuh gritted teeth ] Sir, the game hasn’t begun, okay? [ to Marge ] Crackerjacks, huh?

Marge Keister: Yes, sir, that’s correct!

Bill Franklin: Say, could you people do something about the prizes? You know, the prizes used to be terrific, but lately all you get are little stickers of Care Bears!

Marge Keister: Oh, I’m sorry, you know, I don’t work in that department..

Bill Franklin: Uh-uh! Better prizes! Am I right? [ rallies the audience ] Yeah! Of course, I’m right! Thank you! Now, Mr. Enthusiasm. What’s your name, and what do you do?

Lane Maxwell: My name is Lane Maxwell. I’m a professional psychic.

Bill Franklin: Really? You mean, you can predict the future?

Lane Maxwell: That’s correct. I’m the autohr of.. [ holds up book ] ..”I Knew You Were Going To Buy This Book”.

Bill Franklin: Well, that’s terrific!

Lane Maxwell: When I was about 9.

Bill Franklin: When did you first realize you had this incredible power..? Oh! You already answered! That’s very good!

Lane Maxwell: I wonder.. could I answer the first question now, please?

Bill Franklin: One second, Lane! [ returns to his podium ] Now, you both know the rules. For the first round, each question is worth $50. And our first question..

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] Lake Superior!

Bill Franklin: [ looks at card ] That’s correct! The question was: “What is the largest of the Great Lakes?” Alright! Very good! Our next question, and listen very carefully..

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] 8!

Bill Franklin: [ looks at card ] Correct! The question was: “How many men on the Supreme Court?” Sort of a trick question – there are 9 members but only 8 are men. Okay..

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] John Adams!

Bill Franklin: [ looks at card ] Correct!! The question was: “Name our second President?” So, our score: Lane, $150; the Crackerjack Lady, $0. Marge, are you trying?

Marge Keister: Yes, I am trying, Bill.. I don’t think this is fair – he’s a psychic..

Bill Franklin: Alright, alriight, alright.. Which beings us to the Ivy League ound, where each question is worth double. And the first question is.. [ Marge buzzes in ] Marge!

Marge Keister: [ thinking ] Uh..

Lane Maxwell: [ whispers ] Lee Iacocca.

Marge Keister: Lee Iacocca, Bill!

[ buzzer ]

Bill Franklin: No. Sorry. I’m sorry, Marge. Lane, the question goes to you.

Lane Maxwell: A meteor!

[ buzzer ]

Bill Franklin: No! no, no.. that’s wrong. The question: “What is the largest continent?” And the answer, of course, was Asia. Asia. Okay. And the next question..

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] A meteor!

Bill Franklin: No, sorry. Gee.. I’llask Marge. Who starred with Meryl Streep in “Kramer Vs. Kramer?”

Marge Keister: Ooh.. that’s Dustin Hoffman!

Bill Franklin: That’s right, for $100! Very good! Very good!

Lane Maxwell: That’s very strange.. I distinctly saw a meteor.. My premonitions are never wrong!

Bill Franklin: Hmm.. well, there’s a first time for everything! Marge is now on the board with $100! Now, it’s tiem for our Final Jackpot Question, worth $500! The question is..

Lane Maxwell: [ buzzes in ] I have to say meteor, Bill!

Bill Franklin: No.. sorry. no!

Lane Maxwell: I can’t understand it, I.. I clearly see a grey, smouldering orb.. it’s so vivid, it’s so real!

Bill Franklin: Uh-huh.. uh-huh.. Well, nonetheless, the question goes to Marge! Marge, you answer this correctly, you’ll have a total of $600, and win the game! Are you ready!

Marge Keister: Yes, I am, Bill!

Bill Franklin: Marge, can you name the first Book of the Bible?

Marge Keister: Ohh.. yes, I can, Bill! You see, I taught Sunday school for about seven years, and..

[ suddenly, a meteor crashs into the studio, landing on Marge and knocking her out cold ]

Bill Franklin: Judges? She’s disqualified! Oh, boy.. So, Lane.. Lane Maxwell is our winner. Lane, I know this isn’t the way you wanted to win..

Lane Maxwell: I don’t mind!

Bill Franklin: Okay. Join us next time on “Quiz Masters”, when we’ll meet the opponent of Lane, okay!

Lane Maxwell: I’m gonna win, $750 to nothing!

Bill Franklin: Well, tune in anyway, just to see what I’m gonna wear, will ya!

Lane Maxwell: A light brown blazer!

Bill Franklin: Come on! Good night, everybody![ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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