“Chopping Broccoli”


“Chopping Broccoli”

Michael…..Phil Hartman
Derek Stevens…..Dana Carvey
Paula Collins…..Sigourney Weaver

[ British singer/songwriter Derek Stevens enters Paula Collins office ]

Michael: Derek!

Derek Stevens: Hello, Michael.

Michael: Welcome to L.A.! [ they both laugh ] Private joke! Derek, meet Paula Collins, our new head of A&R.

Derek Stevens: Hello, Paula. Very nice to meet you.

Paula Collins: Hi, Derek. Actually, we met at the Roxy in 1981.

Derek Stevens: ’81? Was I born yet? [ they all laugh ]

Paula Collins: Did you get settled okay?

Derek Stevens: Oh, yes. I’m out at the Chateau, actually.

Michael: Derek, you look good. I mean it.

Paula Collins: You really do.

Derek Stevens: [ confident ] I’m ready to work, I really am.

Michael: Well, that’s good to hear. This is a critical album for you.

Paula Collins: We want you to score with this one.

Derek Stevens: You know, I’m sorry about Dark Impulse. I don’t know what happened there.

Michael: Oh, we have to share the blame for that one. We had a bit of a shake-up in Promotions. Some people dropped the ball and had to be let go.

Paula Collins: We’re ready to work, too, Derek.

Derek Stevens: Well, I was hoping you’d say that.. because I really want to bloody score!

Michael: Mary said you had a demo tape of the new songs. We can’t wait to hear it!

Paula Collins: We really can’t.

Derek Stevens: I.. uh.. I haven’t actually finished a tape.

Michael: Derek, your deal calls for a demo. We..

Derek Stevens: Well, I know that. I know that. But what I thought I’d do, is play some of the tracks here for you now. Live.

Michael: [ elated ] We’d love that! There’s the piano!

Paula Collins: Don’t keep us in suspense!

Derek Stevens: Great! That’s great. [ sits down at piano ] Well, these are just sort of works in progress, but, you know.. here’s one I call “The Lady I Know”. [ starts to play the piano ]

There’s a lady I know
If I didn’t know her
She’d be the lady I didn’t know.

And my lady, she went downtown
She bought some broccoli
She brought it home.

She’s chopping broccoli
Chopping broccoli
Chopping broccoli
Chopping broccoli

She’s chopping broccoli
She’s chopping broccoli
She’s chop.. ooh!
She’s chopping broccola-ah-ie!

Derek Stevens: Here’s another one I call “New Beginnings”:

New beginnings
New beginnings
New beginnings
New beginnings

Derek Stevens: Well, you see where that might go, you know? Sort of like, drums and bongos and the whole thing.. Well, there’s one more I want to show you. This is called “Going to the Club”:

Going to the club, gotta work out, work out
Going to the club, gotta work out, work out

Derek Stevens: Well, that’s all I’ve got now. But I’m writing every day, and that’s what I feel good about. I’m right back on the horses.

Paula Collins: Well, I think you’ve really got something.. [to Michael ] That “Broccoli” tune, are you thinking what I’m thinking, Michael?

Michael: Uh.. yes. Yes, I am. You’re.. uh.. getting back to the vegetable thing. Which seems so..

Paula Collins: Organic.

Michael: Exactly!

Derek Stevens: Oh.. great! Great! Thank you!

Paula Collins: Well, thank you for everything!

Michael: Tell Barry well be in touch.

Derek Stevens: Alright! Great! Thanks! Ta!

[ Derek exits ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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