Mr. Subliminal


Mr. Subliminal

Secretary…..Victoria Jackson
Phil Maloney…..Kevin Nealon
Mr. Smythe…..Jon Lovitz

[ Phil Maloney, AKA Mr. Subliminal, enters the lobby of his workplace ]

Secretary: Mr. Maloney! Thank goodness you’re here, Mr. Smythe is hopping mad!

Phil Maloney: You’re kidding.

Secretary: Your subliminal advertising campaign was due yesterday!

Phil Maloney: Oh, boy.. that subliminal advertising campaign! Geez, you know, I forgot all about that – Your fault – but, I’m here now, so I might as well go see him.

Secretary: Well, uh, he’s on the phone. You’ll have to wait a second.

Phil Maloney: Okay. Boy, he’s going to be steaming – Your fault – but, that’s the way it goes.

Secretary: Well, uh, I guess I should have reminded you, Mr. Maloney.

Phil Maloney: No, no, not at all – Your fault – but, hey, you know what? That’s awful nice of you to share the blame – Your fault – seeing that I don’t hardly even know you.

Secretary: Well, I’ll tell him you’re here.

Phil Maloney: Okay. I don’t think he’ll be too mad – Your fault – but I can handle it.

Secretary: Okay. [ picks up the phone ] Mr. Smythe? Mr. Maloney is here.

Mr. Smythe: [ on phone ] Well, it’s about time!

Secretary: Actually, Sir, I think I really should apologize. I think it was my fault. [ Maloney tries to shoo her apology down ] I mean, I must have gave him the wrong deadline, or something..

Mr. Smythe: [ on phone ] Well, get your act together, and send him out here – pronto!

Secretary: Yes, Sir. [ to Maloney ] Go right in, Mr. Maloney.

Phil Maloney: Okay. [ leaning over ] Hey, do me a favor.. call me “Phil” – Hot Sex – you know, you seem like the kind of gal – Hot Sex – that I’d like to get to know a little bit better.

Secretary: Oh, no, no, Mr. Maloney.. I’m married, don’t even think about it.

Phil Maloney: Oh. Well, maybe we can just be friends – Hot Sex – and leave it at that.

Secretary: Maybe!

[ Maloney enters Mr. Smythe’s office ]

Phil Maloney: Sorry I’m late, Mr. Smythe.

Mr. Smythe: No, no, it’s not your fault! It’s that new gal we have up front. But it still doesn’t let you off the hook for that subliminal advertising campaign! I’m going to have to call you on the carpet for that one!

Phil Maloney: Yes, I’m sorry about that, Sir – No Rush – I’ll get to it immediately – No Rush – in fact, as soon as I get back to me office.

Mr. Smythe: No, take your time. Sit down, Maloney. [ Maloney sits ] You know, it’s the strangest thing. I’ve been reviewing your work record.. and it appears that since I’ve hired you for that subliminal advertising campaign, you haven’t done a lick of work, and yet everybody downstairs just raves about you.

Phil Maloney: Well, they’re a great bunch of guys – Idiots – a nice team. Let me ask you this, Sir, while I’m here – Mets Tickets – How do you manage to make this company so successful? – Mets Tickets – Because, as you know, you do.

Mr. Smythe: Ah, it’s just a lot of hard work and calculated risks.

Phil Maloney: Well, if that’s the formula – Mets Tickets – I’m gonna follow it.

Mr. Smythe: Maloney, you can’t go wrong with it.

Phil Maloney: No, sirree – Mets Tickets – not a chance!

Mr. Smythe: You know, it just occurred to me – I’ve got some Mets Tickets here. [ picks them up ] Would you like them? [ hands them to Maloney ]

Phil Maloney: Well, thank you very much, Sir! That’s awful nice of you – Company Car – but I don’t have a way down to the stadium – Company Car – Well, I’ll figure something out.

Mr. Smythe: Nonsense! Why don’t you take the company car? Here’s the keys. [ hands Maloney the keys ]

Phil Maloney: Well, that’s very generous of you, Sir – Promotion – you know, I really, really, really enjoy working here – Promotion – I mean, with all the surprises, who could complain?

Mr. Smythe: Maloney, you’re a good man. I’m gonna give you a promotion. Effective immediately. From here on, you’re in charge of the entire Eastern division.

Phil Maloney: Well, thank you very much, Sir! – Vacation! – Wow! I can’t believe my ears! The entire Eastern division! – Vacation! – Wow!

Mr. Smythe: Before you start that, though, why don’t you take a nice, long vacation? I want you to be all riled up for the job.

Phil Maloney: God thinking, Sir.

Mr. Smythe: Thanks. Now, go on, get out of here. I’ve got a lot of work to do.

Phil Maloney: Thank you, Sir.

[ Maloney exits back to the reception area, where the secretary is waiting for him ]

Secretary: Phil? I thought about it, and I think I’d like to get to know you better.

Phil Maloney: Great! That’s great! – Your Treat – Maybe we could go out to dinner tonight – Your Treat – if you feel like it.

Secretary: That’s a good idea. You know, I don’t usually do this, but.. can I treat?

Phil Maloney: Well, gee, now there’s something I don’t hear often. Sure, I guess – Four Seasons – but let’s go somewhere casual – Four Seasons – we’ll just take it easy tonight.

Secretary: No. I would love to take you to the Four Seasons Restaurant!

Phil Maloney: Four Season Restaurant?! That’s kind of expensive, isn’t it? Well, if you insist – Garter Belt – but let’s just dress casual, you know – Push-Up Bra – nothing fancy.

Secretary: [ seductively ] Okay, that’s a good idea.

Phil Maloney: Wait a minute.. look. You dress however you like – Push-Up Bra – I just thought..

Secretary: No, casual’s fine. In fact, I know exactly what I’m going to wear!

Phil Maloney: Great! And if we finish dinner early – Hot Sex – maybe we’ll go back to my apartment – Hot Sex – and watch some television?

Secretary: Okay! I guess.

Phil Maloney: And if this whole thing works out – Hot Sex – maybe I’ll call you again – Don’t Hold Your Breath – okay?
Secretary: Okay, great! Bye!

[ Maloney exits the reception area as the secretary sits down, dazed ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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