The Crosby Show


The Crosby Show

Theo Huxtable…..Malcolm Jamal-Warner
Mrs. Crosby…..Nora Dunn
Gary Crosby…..Dana Carvey
Nathaniel Crosby…..Dennis Miller
Mary Crosby…..Jan Hooks
Bing Crosby…..Phil Hartman
David Crosby…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Theo Huxtable lying in bed, Bill Cosby portrayed as just a hand holding a cigar from the doorway ]

Theo Huxtable: I’m sorry, Dad. I’ll try and study harder. I’m just really tired right now..

Cosby: No, no, Theo. You’re not going to try to study harder, you see? You will study harder. The man who climbed Mt. Everest did not say, “I will try to climb the mountain.” You see? Now, don’t leave this room ’til your homework’s done.

Theo Huxtable: Boy.. sometimes I wish I could be part of a different family..

[ Theo falls asleep, drifting into a dream of life with an alternate family ] [ the dream opens on Mrs. Crosby humming “White Christmas” to herself ]

Mrs. Crosby: Mary, Gary, Nathaniel, Theo! [ the kids come down the stairs ] Come on down, kids.

Gary Crosby: Gosh, Mom, when is Dad gonna get home? I can’t wait to see him!

Nathaiel Crosby: Yeah, me too!

Mrs. Crosby: Now, kids, your dad’s spent a long day at the golf course, give him time to relax.

Theo Huxtable: Golf? Are we talking about the same father here?

Mary Crosby: Wait a minute.. here he comes now! It’s Dad!

[ the kids all run to the door to greet their father – Bing Crosby ]

Bing Crosby: [ entering ] Well, well, well, who brought out the welcome wagon!

[ Title Card: “The Crosby Show” ]

Bing Crosby: Whoa, now! [ eyeing his cardigan ] Easy on the Pierre Cardan! Hey, Mom, how do you handle a thirsty dad?

Mrs. Crosby: Here. [ hands him glass of orange juice ]

Bing Crosby: Ohhhhh! [ sips ] Nice O.J., Mom. Not too sweet, not too tart! [ sits ]

Gary Crosby: Dad, Mom said we should let you relax, but we’ve all got stuff we’ve just got to talk about!

Bing Crosby: Boy, boy, this sure is a blustery brood bustling about! Well, a dad’s not a dad that doesn’t do his daddly duty! Alright, Gary, what’s got your goat?

Theo Huxtable: Excuse me..

Bing Crosby: One at a time, son, wait your turn. Gary, go ahead.

Gary Crosby: Well, Dad.. I’ve been having some trouble at school..

Bing Crosby: Ohhhh.. let’s see that report card. [ reads report card ] Whoa! Trouble in History. We’d better sort things out in the library.

[ Gary exits to the library, as Bing removes his belt before exiting as well ]

Mrs. Crosby: So, Theo, having any trouble in school?

[ we now hear the crack of Bing’s belt as Gary screams ]

Theo Huxtable: Me? No! no, no, not me!

[ Gary and Bing re-enter ]

Bing Crosby: Hey, is that better, son?

Gary Crosby: Yeah! Yeah, thanks, Dad! I’m gonna go study even harder now!

Bing Crosby: Don’t mention it! Alright, who’s next?

Nathaiel Crosby: Me, Dad! Me!

Theo Huxtable: I have a-

Bing Crosby: Wait a second now, wait your turn. Okay, Nathaniel, what’s needling you?

Nathaiel Crosby: Oh, it’s girls, Dad. I just can’t think of nothing else.

Bing Crosby: [ chuckles ] “Viva la difference”, I always say!

Nathaiel Crosby: Yeah. It’s Janice, Dad, you see I just don’t know what to say to her.

Bing Crosby: Ooohhh, tonuge-tied, eh? Let’s toddle over and talk turkey in the library.

[ they exit to the library ]

Mrs. Crosby: Anybody thirsty?

Mary Crosby: Oh, thanks, Mom. Hey, Theo, you don’t have any problems with girls, do you?

[ sounds of Bing’s belt cracking and Nathaniel screaming ]

Theo Huxtable: Uh, me? No, no, no.. no problem..

[ Nathaniel and Bing re-enter ]

Nathaiel Crosby: Hey, thanks, Dad. I’m gonna call Janice tonight!

Bing Crosby: That’s my boy! Mom, how about serving up Nathaniel here some Minute Maid? That Vitamin C is good for those bumps and bruises.

Mrs. Crosby: Alright, Dear.

Bing Crosby: Now, what was your problem, Son?

Theo Huxtable: Problem? Ha ha ha, I don’t have a problem!

[ doorbell rings ]

Bing Crosby: Wait a second, someone’s at the door! [ answers door to find David Crosby ] Oh, it’s my way-out son, David Crosby!

David Crosby: Dad, I gotta talk to you. I got arrested for carrying a gun at a concert.

Bing Crosby: Whoa! Packing a piece at a pop show, eh?

David Crosby: Library, Dad?

Bing Crosby: Well, you’ll get your turn, Son. Right now I have to deal with Theo here.

Theo Huxtable: No, no, no..

Bing Crosby: Come on now, we’ll settle things..

Theo Huxtable: No! See, you’re not my father!

Bing Crosby: I’m not?

Theo Huxtable: My father wouldn’t handle my problems the way that you do.

Bing Crosby: Well, what does your dad do?

Theo Huxtable: Well.. he sits me down, and he does five minutes of a nightclub act.

[ a thundering sound is heard, as the superimposed head of Bill Crosby appears at the foot of the stairs ]

Bing Crosby: Uh-oh! Looks like company.

Theo Huxtable: You see, that’s my Dad! Alright!

Cosby: I am the Great and Powerful Cos. You see. I’ve come to straightne out the confused boy.

Bing Crosby: Well, you’re welcome to use the library.

Cosby: Silence! Now, Theo, do you promise to obey your father, study hard, and keep your room clean?

Theo Huxtable: How did my room get into this?

Cosby: Answer the question!

Theo Huxtable: [ meekly ] Yes.

Cosby: That’s better.

Bing Crosby: Say, Great and Powerful Cos, didn’t you open for me in the Sands in 1964.

Cosby: That was a long, long time ago!

Theo Huxtable: Dad, I’ll do anything you say. Can I go home now?

Cosby: You had the power to go home all the time. You just have to click your heels three times and say, “I won’t try, I will.”

Theo Huxtable: [ clicks heels three times ] I won’t try, I will. I won’t try, I will. I won’t try, I will. I won’t try, I will. Ow! I won’t try, I will. Unh! I won’t try, I will. Here we go! I won’t try, I will…

[ dissolve back to Theo’s room ]

Cosby: Theo, how are you doing in there?

Theo Huxtable: Oh, Dad.. I just had the craziest dream.. and you were in it.. and I was in it.. and that fat guy who sang the “Wooden Ships” was in it..

Cosby: Enough of that, my son. I was just thinking if you’re having trouble studying, maybe you’d be less distracted in the library.

Theo Huxtable: [ hides under his covers ] Noooo!! Not the library!! No, not the library!!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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