Johnny O’Connor…..Phil Hartman
[ SUPER: 1947 Hollywood ] [ open on Harry’s office – the walls adorned with Johnny O’Connor movie posters ]
Harry: Johnny! Good to see you!
Johnny O’Connor: Hello, Harry, how’s tricks?
Harry: not bad for an old dog! [ both men laugh ] Have a seat. [ Johnny sits ] How’s the film going?
Johnny O’Connor: Well, I just shot the last scene. [ re-enacts that last scene for Harry ] There I was in the cockpit, surrounded by zeroes, enemy aircraft carrier in my sight! My machine guns were empty! I had one bullet left! [ screams ] Aaaagggghhhhhhh!!!!
Harry: [ jumps up ] Alright, snap out of it!
Johnny O’Connor: You snap out of it!
Harry: You snap out of it! [ slaps Jonnhy’s face ]
Johnny O’Connor: Sorry, Harry. I think I got a little lost in this role.
Harry: Yeah, I guess you did.
Johnny O’Connor: Anyway, I’m sure “Yankee Kamikazee” is going to be a real winner.
Harry: Well, I hope you’re right..
Johnny O’Connor: [ reflecting ] Maybe I’ve made too many of these war movies. Maybe I should take a rest, huh, Harry?
Harry: Well, I’m glad you brought that up, Johnny.. I was thinking you should take a rest, too. A permanent one.
Johnny O’Connor: [ confused ] What do you mean?
Harry: I’m letting you go.
Johnny O’Connor: You mean..?
Harry: Yes. Your contract isn’t being renewed.
Johnny O’Connor: But, Harry, I..
Harry: You’re finished, Johnny!
Johnny O’Connor: Don’t mince words!
Harry: I think you stink!
Johnny O’Connor: Listen, Harry, if you’re unhappy with my work, tell me now!
Harry: You’re through, do you hear me, through! You’ll never work in this town again!
Johnny O’Connor:Don’t leave me hanging by a thread! Let me know how I stand!
Harry: I think you’re the worst actor I’ve ever seen, and I get five hundred letters a day telling me the same!
Johnny O’Connor: What’s the word on the street?
Harry: [ angry ] Now, you listen to me, Johnny O’Connor: you’ve been flying in that airplane too long, and it’s time you were grounded!
Johnny O’Connor: Nobody shoots down Johnny O’Connor.. You’re forgetting something, Harry! I’m a hero! I’ve made twelve war movies for you, Harry, and they’ve all made gold! I’ve knocked more Mitsubishis out of the sky than any man alive!
Harry: Look, Johnny.. Johnny, you’re forgetting something: the Japanese are our allies now. The war is over, Johnny. So are you.
Johnny O’Connor: [ persistent ] Is it the booze, Harry? The dames? I’ll cut back!
Harry: No, no, Johnny..
Johnny O’Connor: Is it the pills?
Johnny O’Connor: The sheep?
Johnny O’Connor: The ducks?
Johnny O’Connor: Your wife?
Harry: No, not.. what?!
Johnny O’Connor: What?!
Harry: What?! Oh! Get off!
Johnny O’Connor: [ near tears ] I’m sorry if I let you down, Harry. You’ve always been like a father to me..
Harry: [ reconsidering ] Oh, Johnny.. Johnny.. Alright. I’m going to give you one more chance..
Johnny O’Connor: [ excited ] Do you mean it, Harry?
Harry: Yes, I’m afraid I do.. Now, listen – I’m doing a new picture: “Reptilla”. A lizard gets mutated by an atomic blast, see? It swells up, twenty stories high! And there’s a fire-breathing tango all over Tokyo!
Johnny O’Connor: [ thinking ] Yeah.. yeah.. I think I can play a giant reptile..
Harry: Don’t be ridiculous! Reptilla will be played by a man in a rubber suit.
Johnny O’Connor: Oh.. I don’t want my face covered.
Harry: Of course not. Now, the part I have in mind for you is this one.. [ flips through script ] You’re Man #3.
Johnny O’Connor: Man #3.
Harry: You’re on an elevated train. You slip off, and get squished by Reptilla’s toe. Here, read this line.
Johnny O’Connor: [ looks at the line and recites it dramatically ] Aaaagggghhhhhh!!
Harry: Good! You can start packing, we sail a week from Tuesday.
Johnny O’Connor: Thanks, Harry, you won’t regret it! [ walks away from Harry ]
Harry: Hey, don’t forget your script!
Johnny O’Connor: [ returns, grabs script ] Yes! Science fiction! The wave of the future!