Helmsley Spook House


Helmsley Spook House

Man…..Phil Hartman
Leona Helmsley…..Nora Dunn


Man: Honestly. Why can’t someone invent a spook house that doesn’t insult my intelligence?

Leona Helmsley: Someone has! Hello, I’m Leona Helmsley, welcoming you to the Helmsley Spook House, located atop the Helmsley Hotel in midtown Manhatten. From the moment you arrive, we pamper like no other spook house has ever pampered you.

Right away you’ll notice the little things, things like real skeletons – never plastic. Live rats. Real cow eyes. We could have skimped and used peeled grapes, but our customers would have known the difference – I know I would. And, walls that drip real human blood. I wouldn’t be frightened by animal blood, why should you be?

[ Leona’s staff chases after a couple, stopping only when she claps her hands ]

And then there’s our staff. Courteous, efficient, and fluent in several languages. Unlike the lazy clock-watchers you’ll find at cut-rate spook houses.

Now, granted, an evening at the Helmsley Spook is not inexpensive – but then, the best seldom is.

Announcer: The Helmsley Spook House. For reservations call 1-800-SCARE-ME. Children under 18 not admitted.

Leona Helmsley: I’ll be seeing you – in your nightmares! [ cackles ]

SNL Transcripts

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