Make Joan Baez Laugh


Make Joan Baez Laugh

Bill Franklin…..Phil Hartman
Joan Baez…..Nora Dunn
Howie Mandel…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: It’s time to play America’s most challenging show: “Make Joan Baez Laugh”! With our host, Big Bill Franklin!

Bill Franklin: Thank you, Don Pardo! Hello, everybody, and welcome once again to “Make Joan Baez Laugh”! Before I bring out Joanie – Joan – Miss Baez – Ms. Baez! Whoo! I’d like to point out that tonight is sort of a milestone for us. We’re beginning our 9th season, which makes us the longest-running game show in television history! Thank you! We’ve had over 2,000 amateur and professional comedians on the show trying to make Joan Baez laugh, and so far no one’s succeeded. Let’s see what our jackpot is up to!

Announcer: Bill, it’s $2,560,000!

Bill Franklin: Yeah! Over $2.5 million! She’s incredible, sin’t she? Well, let’s bring her out now, the star of our show, Ms. Joan Baez!

[ Joan Baez walks out sad-faced with her guitar in tow ]

Joan Baez: [ singing ]“Why Chernobyl?
Why, why, why why?
Why George Gobol?
Why, why, why why?
Why the bombs in Paris?
Why, why, why why?
Why did Jean Harris kill that guy?
Why, pourque, why?”

Bill Franklin: Oh, boy! Joan, how do you do it? Nine years without evrn cracking a smile?

Joan Baez: How can anyone laugh, Bill, when there’s so much suffering in the world? THe United States is the wealthiest nation on Earth, and yet we still have millions of children who go to bed hungry.

Bill Franklin: Mmm.. yeah, it reminds me of that joke – A bum walks up to a guy, and he says, “I haven’t eaten in three weeks.” And the guy says, “You should force yourself!” [ laughs ] Anyway. I hate that joke. I was sure that guy on last night was going to get to you, though. He did over twenty minutes of scathing material on Ronald Reagan, whoo!

Joan Baez: I don’t think there’s anything funny about Ronald Reagan. He is responsible for the escalating arms race, and for enslaving our Latino brothers and sisters.

Bill Franklin: Yeah. Exactly. [ rolls eyes ] Hey, you know, there’s something I’ve been wanting to do for years! [ tickles Joan’s arms ] Coochie-coochie-coochie-coo! Anyway.. we have six terrific young comics waiting to try their luck!

Joan Baez: Well, I’m not really in the mood, because I have a terrific headache.

Bill Franklin: Whoa-oa, great, she has a headache! She hasn’t giggled in nie years, and tonight she has a headache. Talk about your impossible dream, huh? Well, Joan, take your throne! [ Joan takes her seat on the set ] Can we get a couple of aspirin and a glass of water for Joan? [ aspirin and water is brought forth ] Now, let’s meet our first lamb for the slaughter. You know him from “St. Elsewhere” and numerous HBO specials. Let’s bring him out now, he’s crazy, he’s unpredictable, he’s wacky! The one and only Howie Mandel! Come on, Howie!

[ Howie enters wearing a rubber glove-shaped bag around his body ]

Howie Mandel: What! What! Oo-ooh! Oo-ooh! What! What! Okay, what! What! What’s your name! What’s your name! What’s your name! Okay, I asked you three times, What’s your name!

Joan Baez: [ angry ] Joan!

Howie Mandel: Joan! Okay! Hey, Joan, you ever seen this! Oo-ooh! [ pulls rubber glove over his head and inflates the fingers with his nose ] [ unable to control the urge, Joan does a spit-take and finally laughs ]

Bill Franklin: Whoa-oa-oa-oa!! We have a winner!! Congratulations! Oh, I swear, I was gonna try that rubber glove thing four years ago, I didn’t think it had a chance! Aw! Here’s your check, Howie Mandel! Join us next week, when we begin our new series: “Make Joey Hetherton Eat”! Thanks a lot, everybody!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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