Neck With Producer

Neck With Producer

…..Rosanna Arquette
…..Jan Hooks
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on interior, Rosanna Arquette’s dressing room, as a knock is heard at the door ]

Rosanna Arquette: Come in!

Jan Hooks: [ enters ] Hey, Rosanna!

Rosanna Arquette: Hey, Jan!

[ they hug ]

Jan Hooks: How you doing? [ notices Rosanna is dressed in satin lingerie ] Oh, gosh, wow.. where’d you gwet that outfit?

Rosanna Arquette: Oh, it’s for the “Neck With the Producer” sketch.

Jan Hooks: The “Neck With the Producer” sketch? I don’t remember that at rehearsal..

Rosanna Arquette: Well, yeah.. Lorne Michaels just added it.

Jan Hooks: [ surprised ] Lorne?! You talked to Lorne?

Rosanna Arquette: Of course. We rehearsed the scene for an hour-and-a-half.

Jan Hooks: I can’t believe it! He’s usually so aloof!

[ a knock at the door ]

Director: Three minutes to air.

Jan Hooks: Good luck! [ hugs Rosanne and exits ]

Rosanna Arquette: [ practices her lines ] “Oh, Lorne! Kiss me, you fancy dresser, it makes me dizzy.” [ a knock at the door ] Who is it?

Tommy Flanagan V/O: It’s me, Lorne Michaels!

Rosanna Arquette: Come in.

Tommy Flanagan: Hello!

Rosanna Arquette: Hi, Lorne!

Tommy Flanagan: Are you ready to rehearse?

Rosanna Arquette: Yeah, I am. But, um.. I don’t get this scene, you know? I say one line, and then we kiss for five minutes? I just don’t get the joke.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh. Well, you see.. it’s conceptual. A political statement. Yeah, that’s what it is, a plea for the homeless.

Rosanna Arquette: We don’t even mention the homeless.

Tommy Flanagan: Well, we don’t want to be too preachy! Yeah, see, it’s subtext. Its a hidden message. You have to read between the lines.

Rosanna Arquette: But I only have one line!

Tommy Flanagan: Exactly! The rest are hidden! Yeah.

Rosanna Arquette: [ nervous ] I don’t know.. I can’t beleive you’re a producer! [ giggles ]

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? Well, listen to this – “There’s no money, but it’s great exposure!”

Rosanna Arquette: [ shakes head ] You’re a producer.

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! A big-time television producer! In fact, I was one of the first. Yeah, that’s what I was! Why, uh.. you know Captain Kangaroo? I recruited him! Yeah.. I never expected him to make Captain, though. No, I always thought it would be Greenjeans. Yeah, I know ’em all! Why, I knew Ernie Kovacs before he was ahead of his time! Yeah! Remember “You Are There”? I was there! Yeah! Why, I even knew Flicka when he had no friends!

[ a knock at the door ]

Director’s Voice: One minute to air, everybody!

Lorne Michaels: [ enters ] Hi. You’d better get ready for the show.

Rosanna Arquette: Who are you?

Lorne Michaels: I’m Lorne Michaels.

Rosanna Arquette: [ confused, turns to Tommy ] Well, who are you?

Tommy Flanagan: I’m.. I’m Lorne Michaels. [ pause ] Okay, I’m not Lorne Michaels, I’m lying! I’m a pathological liar, yeah, that’s the ticket, yeah. [ into his hand ] Paging Mr. Michaels, paging Mr. Lorne Michaels! [ lowers hand, looks into the hall ] Uh, what? Yeah, I’ll be there in a second! Oh, and I just paged myself, too! Yeah, that’s what I did! [ turns to Lorne as he exits the room ] So long, sonny!

Rosanna Arquette: Who was that guy?

Lorne Michaels: You’d better get ready for the show. What are you doing in that outfit?

Rosanna Arquette: [ laughs ] The “Neck With the Producer” sketch! [ hands him the script ]

Lorne Michaels: The “Neck With the Producer” sketch? [ reads ] Hmm.. you’d better get ready.. this isn’t bad! I mean, it’s funny, and it makes an interesting point about the homeless.

Rosanna Arquette: [ quick save ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts