Neck With Producer

Neck With Producer

…..Rosanna Arquette
…..Jan Hooks
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on interior, Rosanna Arquette’s dressing room, as a knock is heard at the door ]

Rosanna Arquette: Come in!

Jan Hooks: [ enters ] Hey, Rosanna!

Rosanna Arquette: Hey, Jan!

[ they hug ]

Jan Hooks: How you doing? [ notices Rosanna is dressed in satin lingerie ] Oh, gosh, wow.. where’d you gwet that outfit?

Rosanna Arquette: Oh, it’s for the “Neck With the Producer” sketch.

Jan Hooks: The “Neck With the Producer” sketch? I don’t remember that at rehearsal..

Rosanna Arquette: Well, yeah.. Lorne Michaels just added it.

Jan Hooks: [ surprised ] Lorne?! You talked to Lorne?

Rosanna Arquette: Of course. We rehearsed the scene for an hour-and-a-half.

Jan Hooks: I can’t believe it! He’s usually so aloof!

[ a knock at the door ]

Director: Three minutes to air.

Jan Hooks: Good luck! [ hugs Rosanne and exits ]

Rosanna Arquette: [ practices her lines ] “Oh, Lorne! Kiss me, you fancy dresser, it makes me dizzy.” [ a knock at the door ] Who is it?

Tommy Flanagan V/O: It’s me, Lorne Michaels!

Rosanna Arquette: Come in.

Tommy Flanagan: Hello!

Rosanna Arquette: Hi, Lorne!

Tommy Flanagan: Are you ready to rehearse?

Rosanna Arquette: Yeah, I am. But, um.. I don’t get this scene, you know? I say one line, and then we kiss for five minutes? I just don’t get the joke.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh. Well, you see.. it’s conceptual. A political statement. Yeah, that’s what it is, a plea for the homeless.

Rosanna Arquette: We don’t even mention the homeless.

Tommy Flanagan: Well, we don’t want to be too preachy! Yeah, see, it’s subtext. Its a hidden message. You have to read between the lines.

Rosanna Arquette: But I only have one line!

Tommy Flanagan: Exactly! The rest are hidden! Yeah.

Rosanna Arquette: [ nervous ] I don’t know.. I can’t beleive you’re a producer! [ giggles ]

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? Well, listen to this – “There’s no money, but it’s great exposure!”

Rosanna Arquette: [ shakes head ] You’re a producer.

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! A big-time television producer! In fact, I was one of the first. Yeah, that’s what I was! Why, uh.. you know Captain Kangaroo? I recruited him! Yeah.. I never expected him to make Captain, though. No, I always thought it would be Greenjeans. Yeah, I know ’em all! Why, I knew Ernie Kovacs before he was ahead of his time! Yeah! Remember “You Are There”? I was there! Yeah! Why, I even knew Flicka when he had no friends!

[ a knock at the door ]

Director’s Voice: One minute to air, everybody!

Lorne Michaels: [ enters ] Hi. You’d better get ready for the show.

Rosanna Arquette: Who are you?

Lorne Michaels: I’m Lorne Michaels.

Rosanna Arquette: [ confused, turns to Tommy ] Well, who are you?

Tommy Flanagan: I’m.. I’m Lorne Michaels. [ pause ] Okay, I’m not Lorne Michaels, I’m lying! I’m a pathological liar, yeah, that’s the ticket, yeah. [ into his hand ] Paging Mr. Michaels, paging Mr. Lorne Michaels! [ lowers hand, looks into the hall ] Uh, what? Yeah, I’ll be there in a second! Oh, and I just paged myself, too! Yeah, that’s what I did! [ turns to Lorne as he exits the room ] So long, sonny!

Rosanna Arquette: Who was that guy?

Lorne Michaels: You’d better get ready for the show. What are you doing in that outfit?

Rosanna Arquette: [ laughs ] The “Neck With the Producer” sketch! [ hands him the script ]

Lorne Michaels: The “Neck With the Producer” sketch? [ reads ] Hmm.. you’d better get ready.. this isn’t bad! I mean, it’s funny, and it makes an interesting point about the homeless.

Rosanna Arquette: [ quick save ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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