Sammy #1…..Dana Carvey
Sammy #2…..Kevin Nealon
Edward…..Phil Hartman
Karen…..Nora Dunn

[ open on interior, Sammy #2’s basement, as the two Sammies watch the World Series on TV ]

Sammy #1: Aw.. great, great, great game tonight, Sammy!

Sammy #2: Aw, it’s been a great Series, Sammy! Hey, we gonna walk away with some points on this one?

Sammy #1: Aw, now that you mention it, we won a coupla sawbucks!

Sammies: [ lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ] Awww, beautiful!! Haha!

Sammy #2: You know, I tell ya, I love it when Clemens is on the hill throwing..

Sammy #1: Hey, there ain’t nothin’ like it! Hey, hey, Sammy? Can I get a little of that Dim Sum Squat from you?

Sammy #2: What are you saying, you want some Dim Sum Squat?

Sammy #1: What’d I say?

Sammy #2: Beautiful, beautiful!

Sammy #1: Aww… [ Sammy #2 throws his empty beer an into the trash ] Hey, you want me to get you another cold one, you want that I should get you another cold one?

Sammy #2: Hey, I gotta take a breather, Sammy.. you know, I been guzzling since the third inning. Besides.. I gotta work off some of these LB’s. Aw… aw.. who am I kiddin’? I’ll have another cold one!

Sammy #1: Aw, atta guy! Atta guy! [ gets the beer ]

Sammy #2: But I’ll tell ya, Sammy, I’m gonna start workin’ this off! I’m gonna lose it all, it’s comin’ off!

Sammy #1: What, this?

Sammy #2: What’d I say?

Sammy #1: Beautiful!

Sammy #2: Hey! I’m gonna do runnin’ every day, I’m gonna swim, I’m gonna do 100 sit-ups a day, I’m gonna run.. aww, who am I kiddin’? That’s another thing I’m never gonna do, right!

Sammy #1: [ laughs ] Here ya go! [ hands Sammy #2 his beer ]

Sammy #2: I’ll tell ya, one more of these, Sammy, and I’m gonna have to cop a squirt!

Sammy #1: I know how that feels! You know what I’m gonna do next summer, Sammy?

Sammy #2: What are ya gonna do?

Sammy #1: I’m gonna get a place of my own!

Sammy #2: Hey, you could sleep on the couch.

Sammy #1: No, no, no! I’m movin’ out to the woods, I’m gonna build myself a nice cabin.

Sammy #2: Square beds?

Sammy #1: What’d I say?

Sammy #2: Beautiful!

Sammy #1: A-frame! Nice! Sleeps a couple people, indoor plumbing, with a nice deck! Aww.. who am I kiddin’? There’s another thing I’m never gonna do, right!

Sammy #2: [ holds up a newspaper ] Hey, look at this, Sammy! Riverside Cafe is having Free Beer Night next Tuesday, the 28th!

Sammy #1: Aw…

Sammies: [ lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ] Beautiful!! Haha!

[ Sammy #2’s sister Karen walks downstairs with her boyfriend Edward ]

Karen: I don’t know why this is so important to you..

Edward: It’ll just take a minute, honey.

Karen: ] to Sammy #2 ] Edward insisted that he meet my brother. Edward, this is my brother Sammy.

Sammy #2: Hey, what do you say, Eddie?

Sammy #1: Hey, Eddie!

Edward: Hello! [ shakes Sammy #2’s hand ]

Karen: Okay, you met my brother.. you can go now..

Sammy #2: Wait a minute.. this is my good buddy Sammy right here!

Edward: Oh? Well, it’s a pleasure meeting you, gentlemen.. Sorry! Did you say your name is Sammy, too?

Karen: Yeah, they’re both Sammies..

Sammy #1: That’s right!

Sammy #2: What are the odds!

Sammy #1: Hey, have a seat, Eddie! What do you think about the Series? A crowd pleaser, eh?

Sammy #2: Let me grab a cold one for ya, Eddie! [ runs to the fridge ]

Karen: Sammy, it’s really getting late..

Edward: That’s alright, honey. We have a minute. [ sits ]

Sammy #2: Hey, who ever thought the Mets would turn it around, huh?

Karen: Sammy, Edward doesn’t spend his whole life in front of the TV any more, like some people I know.

Sammy #2: Aw, that’s too bad.

Edward: Well.. it’s not that. It’s just that I’m.. really very busy right now.

Karen: Yes. Edward has plans for his future.

Sammy #1: Oh, yeah? What have you got up your sleeve, Eddie?

Edward: Well.. I’m planning on opening a chain of clothing stores this winter.

Sammy #2: Aww, who are you kiddin’! That’s another thing you’re never gonna do, right? [ laughs ]

Edward: No, no.. I’ve already, uh..

Karen: Edward, we really have to be going..

Sammy #2: Hey, Eddie, get a load of the stats on Gary Carter! Not a bad season, considering a .189 batting average in the Series! Know what I mean?

Sammy #1: Here, have a cold one, Eddie!

Edward: Uh.. no, no, no.. Thank you. I’ve gotta be clear-headed for tomorrow.

Sammy #2: Oh, yeah? What’s your game for tomorrow?

Edward: I beg your pardon?

Karen: He means, what are you doing tomorrow?

Edward: Oh! Well.. I was planning on flying to the West Coast to meet with some potential investors..

Sammy #1: Awww, who are you kiddin’, Eddie! That’s another thing you’re never gonna do, right! Hahaha!

Karen: [ pulls Edwarr ] It’s getting late.. you gotta get some sleep..

Edward: No, no! I’m going! I’ve already made the plane reservations, I’m gonna go!

Karen: Edward, come on, let’s go, honey..

Edward: I’ve already, you know, reserved a room at the Ramada Inn!

Karen: Honey, never mind them..

[ they exit upstairs ]

Sammy #1: Aw, too bad Eddie couldn’t stick around!

Sammy #2: Yeah, he’s good people! Look, I’m gonna have some more of that Dim Sum Squat over there..

Sammy #1: You square biz?

Sammy #2: What’d I say?

Sammy #1: Beautiful! Haha! Hey, Sammy! What is today, anyway?

Sammy #2: Today’s the 25th.

Sammy #1: [ looks in paper ] Aww, I don’t believe it! 15 minutes, tape-delay game, Auburn at Mississippi State!

Sammy #2: Ohhh..

Sammies: [ lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ] Beautiful!! Haha!

[ Edwards returns downstairs ]

Edward: Hi, guys!

Sammy #2: Hey! Whattaya say, Eddie!

Edward: Uh.. Karen went to sleep, I thought I might stick around and have a cold one with you guys!

Sammy #2: Well, have a seat, have a seat!

Sammy #1: Come on!

Edward: How about that game tonight – was that a killer!

Sammy #1: Yeah!

Sammy #2: Yeah! Have a cold one!

Edward: Oh, thanks a lot! You know, I.. I really like your sister. I think I might marry her someday. [ pause ] Awww, who am I kiddin’!

Edward & The Sammies: That’s ANOTHER thing you’re never gonna do!![ they all lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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