Weekend Update with Dennis Miller


Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..A. Whitney Brown

Anouncer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Well, thank you, thank you. I am newsman, hear me roar.

Tonight’s top story: Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse turned up in the People’s Republic of China this week to promote their series in Chinese television. This is just part of a worldwide Disney organization, which also includes “Goofy in Beirut” and also a new Disney character, “Hassenfutz in Nicaragua”.

Terrorist leader Abu Abbas announced that he would come out of hiding if he is allowed to do both Johnny Carson’s and Joan Rivers’ shows. The deal was squleched, though, by “Tonight Show” producer Fred de Cordova, who said he wouldn’t let Abbus sit down with Carson because his act is too much like Carnac the Magnificant.

Dr. Albert Szent-Gyorgyi, the Nobel prize-winning scientist who discovered Vitamin C, died yesterday at the age of 93. His last words were, “I guess this stuff doesn’t work.”

Come on, he’s a Russian, you can laugh!

This week, the Nobel Booby Prize was awarded to a man in Malaysia who thought he had cured cancer, but actually ended up making it worse.

On Tuesday of this week, the United States officially expelled 55 Soviet diplomats suspected of espionage activity. The final straw, according to State Department officials, was the startling discovery that these were the Russians who have been in fact jamming the National Football League’s instant-replay system. Is nothing sacred to these Commie heathens?

[ points to “tit-for-tat” headline ] And isn’t that an odd colloquialism to turn up in the London-Times, huh? By the way, exactly what is tat, where do I get it, and how do I turn it in for the other thing?

Dennis Miller: Well, I’ve obviously found the level of the room, and I think it’s.. [ touches chest ] ..right here. I like to do that every six newscasts, just to be safe. [ laughs ] It’s an old Sophia Loren commercial!

You know, the Vatican this week announced that it has a $56 million deficit, and appealed to church members for contributions. God’s accountant, C.F. Hutton, blamed Pope John Paul II for spending too much bread on threads.

And Lyndon LaRouche, Rupert Murdoch and Lorenzo Lamas are three of the latest names to sign on for the new benefit show “Night of 100 Creeps”. All proceeds go to the creeps themselves.

The Defense Department has finally settled on a method for basing the MX missile somewhere they can put it where nobody will ever be able to find it. They’ve now asked former “CHiPs” star Erik Estrada to carry one around with him.

Dennis Miller: And now, here to give us The Big Picture, our own A. Whitney Brown. Whitney!

A. Whitney Brown: Good evening, my friends. The vast panarama of human affairs that is The Big Picture is currently being marred by the crude swipe of the censor’s brush. Yes, I’m afraid that an unfettered forum for free opinion is getting as hard to find as a Fundamentalist in a library.

Playboy and Penthouse are being pulled from the shelves, thanks to an unholy alliance between Bible-thumping reactionaries and militant lesbians. Talk about strange bedfellows. They say these magazines shouldn’t be sold because they’re degrading to women. Well, if they’re sincere, they should also ban the sales of ultra-marine turquoise eyeshadow. What could be more degrading than to walk the streets looking like a tropical fish with a hangover?

On the other hand, the Meese Corporation claims some kind of a link between pornography and violent sex crimes. Now this may be a giant leap of logic, but if some lonely sex-crazed pervert on the prowl wants to get a copy of Playboy at four in the morning, I say we let them. As Attorney General, the main thing Ed Meese has done is make people re-assess the brilliant legal mind that was.. John Mitchell.

Now, I don’t want to sit here and say I’m against morality. But I will if no one else will. The point is, I like dirty pictures! Am I alone on this? [ audience cheers ] Well, then, what about our rights?

Television, of course, is a different matter. Its censorship policy is based on a simple formula – craven pandering to the most vocal minority. The networks have a duty to appear socially responsible. Of course, they can’t be socially responsible, or else they’d have the demographics of C-Span. So they flood the airwaves with anti-crack commercials. A courageous move I think, taking on the formidable pro-crack lobby. While blatantly glorifying the concept of instant gratification at every turn. That’s what they do.

Network censorship all seems a little silly to me when you consider the availablity of cable TV. Our host tonight cannot say “suck” in the wrong context. But without rising from your bed, you could click the channel to HBO and see her completely naked in “Executioner’s Song”. no, wait, wait, I’m kidding! Acrtually, they’re re-running “C.H.U.D.” for the 47th time. But you get my point.

There are many elements that comprise the mighty mural of life we know as The Big Picture, and some of them are offensive. Nevertheless, the scribbled etchings of the perverse mind are infinitely preferable preferable to the slapped-on whitewash of the censor’s brush, and that, my friends, is The Big Picture.

Dennis Miller: A. Whitney Brown, folks. You know, “C.H.U.D.” blew me away!

And the New York Mets defeated the Boston Red Sox in Game 6 of the World Series tonight, prompting New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to fire his manager Lou Pinella.

And remember, tonight’s the night to turn your clocks inside-out. No, uh.. actually, you turn your clocks back an hour tonight, so this show started at.. what.. 12:40, and ends at 1:20? Pacing, kids, it’s all pacing!

Dennis Miller: That’s the news, and I am outta here!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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