SNL Transcripts: Sam Kinison: 11/15/86: Church Chat


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 12: Episode 4

86d: Sam Kinison / Lou Reed

Church Chat

Church Lady…..Dana Carvey
…..Sam Kinison

[ open on soothing organ music, with title card superimposed over the “Church Chat” set ]

Announcer: And now it’s time for a special edition of “Church Chat”, with the Church Lady.

[ audience applauds excitedly as the camera zooms in on the doddering Church Lady seated triumphantly behind her desk ]

Church Lady: Well! Isn’t that special? Hello, I’m the Church Lady, and I would like to inform you that I will not be appearing on “Saturday Night Live” this evening. [ audience “Awwww”s ] I’m sorry. I am protesting the selection of the guest host. [ audience laughs and claps lightly ] As you may already know, a few weeks ago a Mr. Samuel Kinison was fortunate enough to be chosen to perform his funny little comedy routines on “Saturday Night Live.” Instead, he said some naughty little things about crack and Christ. [ audience laughs ] Some things that might come out of the mouth of, oh.. oh, I don’t know.. I don’t know who it could be. Maybe.. SATAN??! [ audience claps ] And what was Samuel’s punishment? To host “Saturday Night Live” two weeks later! Well, isn’t that special? Apparently, some of us are rewarded for behaving like the Beastmaster.

Viewers, I implore you: do not watch this show! Do not watch this show! Tomorrow is church! But if you must watch something, perhaps this would be a little bit more suitable – I’ve checked it out. [ opens a TV Guide on her desk ] Alrighty. On Channel 7, at 11:45 on ABC, there’s a movie thriller. Made-for-television, 1977, it’s called “Ants!” That’s right: “Poisonous pests terrorize a mountain resort.” It’s filmed on-location in Vancouver. Isn’t that super? And it stars Robert Foxworth, Susan Somers, and Linda Day George. [ places her TV Guide down proudly ] Well! I think that would be a suitable alternative.

And it just gripes my bottom that, right now, they’re getting ready for their dirty little sex show! I just don’t think we should have to stand for it! In fact – well, gosh, darn it, I’m not gonna stand for it! I’m gonna put a stop to this! Gosh, darn it! [ stands ] Where is Mr. Kinison?! [ the audience applauds as the Church Lady steps away from her set and wanders into the studio ] Where is this sinner?! Where is this insargent?! Where is he, I know he’s here! Where is that diabolical disciple of depravity?! Has anyone seen that paunchy prince of perdition?! [ finds her way into a back hall, where Kinison stands with his girlfriend, Seka ] Oh, that — oh! Look! There they are! The sinner! There they are! Oh! Look at you! [ stops, notices Seka ] Seka? Oh, I’ve only seen you in — well, what are you doing here with this awful Sam Kinison? He’s a terrible influence!

Seka: Stop trying to run my life, Church Lady. ] tosses her hair, as Kinison makes wild hand signals ]

Church Lady: Well! Apparently, some of us don’t care too much about our little reputation, do we? Isn’t that super! [ Seka makes a flagrant display of feeding Kinison from her fingertips ] So. Well.

Sam Kinison: You know what you need?

Church Lady: What’s that?

Sam Kinison: Well, you need what I was just about to give to her.

Church Lady: [ glances back and forth between Kinison and Seka ] Well, I have no idea what you’re talking about!

Sam Kinison: I call it a real touch from God! [ pulls Church Lady down and gives her a big, wet kiss on the lips. The Church Lady is flustered as he finaly releases her, then turns to face the camera with a fury: ] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiiiiightttttt!!!!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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