Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 12: Episode 4
Church Lady…..Dana Carvey
[ open on soothing organ music, with title card superimposed over the “Church Chat” set ]
Announcer: And now it’s time for a special edition of “Church Chat”, with the Church Lady.[ audience applauds excitedly as the camera zooms in on the doddering Church Lady seated triumphantly behind her desk ]
Church Lady: Well! Isn’t that special? Hello, I’m the Church Lady, and I would like to inform you that I will not be appearing on “Saturday Night Live” this evening. [ audience “Awwww”s ] I’m sorry. I am protesting the selection of the guest host. [ audience laughs and claps lightly ] As you may already know, a few weeks ago a Mr. Samuel Kinison was fortunate enough to be chosen to perform his funny little comedy routines on “Saturday Night Live.” Instead, he said some naughty little things about crack and Christ. [ audience laughs ] Some things that might come out of the mouth of, oh.. oh, I don’t know.. I don’t know who it could be. Maybe.. SATAN??! [ audience claps ] And what was Samuel’s punishment? To host “Saturday Night Live” two weeks later! Well, isn’t that special? Apparently, some of us are rewarded for behaving like the Beastmaster.
Viewers, I implore you: do not watch this show! Do not watch this show! Tomorrow is church! But if you must watch something, perhaps this would be a little bit more suitable – I’ve checked it out. [ opens a TV Guide on her desk ] Alrighty. On Channel 7, at 11:45 on ABC, there’s a movie thriller. Made-for-television, 1977, it’s called “Ants!” That’s right: “Poisonous pests terrorize a mountain resort.” It’s filmed on-location in Vancouver. Isn’t that super? And it stars Robert Foxworth, Susan Somers, and Linda Day George. [ places her TV Guide down proudly ] Well! I think that would be a suitable alternative.
And it just gripes my bottom that, right now, they’re getting ready for their dirty little sex show! I just don’t think we should have to stand for it! In fact – well, gosh, darn it, I’m not gonna stand for it! I’m gonna put a stop to this! Gosh, darn it! [ stands ] Where is Mr. Kinison?! [ the audience applauds as the Church Lady steps away from her set and wanders into the studio ] Where is this sinner?! Where is this insargent?! Where is he, I know he’s here! Where is that diabolical disciple of depravity?! Has anyone seen that paunchy prince of perdition?! [ finds her way into a back hall, where Kinison stands with his girlfriend, Seka ] Oh, that — oh! Look! There they are! The sinner! There they are! Oh! Look at you! [ stops, notices Seka ] Seka? Oh, I’ve only seen you in — well, what are you doing here with this awful Sam Kinison? He’s a terrible influence!
Seka: Stop trying to run my life, Church Lady. ] tosses her hair, as Kinison makes wild hand signals ]
Church Lady: Well! Apparently, some of us don’t care too much about our little reputation, do we? Isn’t that super! [ Seka makes a flagrant display of feeding Kinison from her fingertips ] So. Well.
Sam Kinison: You know what you need?
Church Lady: What’s that?
Sam Kinison: Well, you need what I was just about to give to her.
Church Lady: [ glances back and forth between Kinison and Seka ] Well, I have no idea what you’re talking about!
Sam Kinison: I call it a real touch from God! [ pulls Church Lady down and gives her a big, wet kiss on the lips. The Church Lady is flustered as he finaly releases her, then turns to face the camera with a fury: ] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiiiiiiiightttttt!!!!”