The Memory of Paul Simon
Clay Barnes…..Kevin Nealon
Carol Britsky…..Victoria Jackson
Bill Seabrook…..Jon Lovitz
[ open on the long line outside of a movie theater ]
Paul Simon: Wow.. I hope this movie is worth it.
Jan Hooks: Yeah. Well, I heard a review of it on the radio this morning. And they said it was “the Most Recent Movie of the Year.”
Paul Simon: The Most Recent Movie? That’s not saying very much..
Jan Hooks: It’s not, is it? I probably didn’t hear it right – the shower was running, and..[ a man approaches ]
Clay Barnes: Excuse me? Aren’t you Paul Simon?
Paul Simon: Yes, I am.
Clay Barnes: Ah! I don’t know if you remember me.. I did some session work on your first solo album..
Paul Simon: Clay Barnes!
Clay Barnes: [ glad to be remembered ] Yes! Yes!
Paul Simon: You played bass.
Clay Barnes: Yeah! I didn’t think you would remember me!
Paul Simon: Yeah, you brought your mother to the studio.
Clay Barnes: [ dumbfounded ] Yes, I did!
Paul Simon: How is she doing?
Clay Barnes: She’s doing great!
Paul Simon: Oh, that’s great! Give her my best, will you?
Clay Barnes: I will! Thanks a lot! Good seeing you! [ walks away ]
Paul Simon: [ to Jan ] Some of my friends say they love this movie; some of my friends say.. Agh! So.. we’ll see for ourselves..
Jan Hooks: Yeah. Alright.
Carol Britsky: Paul? Hi! Um.. remember me? I picked you up at the airport in 1963. It was in Baton Rouge, and you were playing at Clairmont Community College.
Paul Simon: [ thinking ] Ah! Carol Britsky!
Carol Britsky: Yes!
Paul Simon: I remember. You were a Political Science major then.
Carol Britsky: Yes! I’m teaching it now.
Paul Simon: Really. Well, congratulations! It’s nice to see you again.
Carol Britsky: It’s nice to see you! [ walks away ]
Jan Hooks: [ flabbergasted ] You know, I am amazed! You have an excellent memory.
Paul Simon: I train my memory. Because if I get an idea for a lyric in the middle of the night, I want to freeze it, so I can have it in the morning and write it down. So I work on my memory..[ a woman and a man approach ]
Woman: Paul Simon! Hi! Oh, I’m sure you don’t remember, but I saw you in your concert at Central Park.
Paul Simon: [ thinking ] You were sitting on a plaid blanket.. under the elm tree.
Woman: Yes, yes!
Paul Simon: You’ve changed your hair since then. I like it very much.
Woman: Thank you. Thank you!
Paul Simon: And thank you for yelling “More!”
Woman: Oh, you’re welcome! [ grabs the man with her ] This is my friend Steve.
Steve: [ shakes Paul’s hand ] Hello.
Paul Simon: Steve, how are you? [ thinking ] I don’t remember you from Central Park.
Steve: No, no, I wasn’t there. I saw you in Baltimore in 1981.
Paul Simon: Oh! That’s right! The Capitol Theater, the late show! You were the one who kept yelling, “‘The Boxer’! Play ‘The Boxer’!”
Steve: Yes! I hope you didn’t mind.
Paul Simon: Ah, I didn’t mind. It’s just, we had just finished playing “The Boxer”.
Steve: [ embarassed ] Oh. Gosh, I.. I.. I had just stepped out. I didn’t know! I’m sorry!
Paul Simon: Don’t worry about it! It’s nice seeing you both. I love your hair.
Woman: Thank you.[ the couple walk away ]
Jan Hooks: [ amazed ] You know, I can’t even remember the names of my cousins. This is bizarre..[ another man quickly approaches ]
Bill Seabrook: Hi! Do you remember me? I’m Bill Seabrook. I bought your “Bridge Over Troubled Water” in Seattle, and I had to return it?
Paul Simon: Oh, yes, you had a problem with the second side, there was a scratch on the second cut..
Bill Seabrook: Yes!
Paul Simon: Did they take care of that for you?
Bill Seabrook: Yes! They sure did! No problem!
Paul Simon: Good. I heard your sister isn’t doing so well. Is she alright?
Bill Seabrook: Oh, she’s doing much better. Thanks!
Paul Simon: Oh, I’m relieved! Great!
Bill Seabrook: [ hugs Paul passionately ] Don’t ever change. [ walks away ]
Paul Simon: [ to Jan ] I won’t.
Jan Hooks: You won’t.
Paul Simon: I won’t ever change.[ Art Garfunkel approaches ]
Art Garfunkel: Hey, Paul! You gotta see this movie. This movie is great! I saw this movie last week, DeNiro is fantastic, you’re gonna love this film!
Paul Simon: [ confused ] And your name is?
Art Garfunkel: Paul, I’m Artie. Art Garfunkel.
Paul Simon: [ thinking ] Art.. Gar-funkel..?
Jan Hooks: Paul, this man was your partner. You were a team.
Art Garfunkel: For 11 years, Paul.
Paul Simon: [ thinking ] A team? A team for 11 years? Garfunkel..
Art Garfunkel: [ singing ] When you’re weary.. feeling small. When tears are in..[ Paul can’t recall the event Garfunkel is referring to, as the scene closes ]