The Memory of Paul Simon


The Memory of Paul Simon

…..Paul Simon
…..Jan Hooks
Clay Barnes…..Kevin Nealon
Carol Britsky…..Victoria Jackson
Woman…..Nora Dunn
Steve…..Phil Hartman
Bill Seabrook…..Jon Lovitz
…..Art Garfunkel

[ open on the long line outside of a movie theater ]

Paul Simon: Wow.. I hope this movie is worth it.

Jan Hooks: Yeah. Well, I heard a review of it on the radio this morning. And they said it was “the Most Recent Movie of the Year.”

Paul Simon: The Most Recent Movie? That’s not saying very much..

Jan Hooks: It’s not, is it? I probably didn’t hear it right – the shower was running, and..

[ a man approaches ]

Clay Barnes: Excuse me? Aren’t you Paul Simon?

Paul Simon: Yes, I am.

Clay Barnes: Ah! I don’t know if you remember me.. I did some session work on your first solo album..

Paul Simon: Clay Barnes!

Clay Barnes: [ glad to be remembered ] Yes! Yes!

Paul Simon: You played bass.

Clay Barnes: Yeah! I didn’t think you would remember me!

Paul Simon: Yeah, you brought your mother to the studio.

Clay Barnes: [ dumbfounded ] Yes, I did!

Paul Simon: How is she doing?

Clay Barnes: She’s doing great!

Paul Simon: Oh, that’s great! Give her my best, will you?

Clay Barnes: I will! Thanks a lot! Good seeing you! [ walks away ]

Paul Simon: [ to Jan ] Some of my friends say they love this movie; some of my friends say.. Agh! So.. we’ll see for ourselves..

Jan Hooks: Yeah. Alright.

[ a woman approaches ]

Carol Britsky: Paul? Hi! Um.. remember me? I picked you up at the airport in 1963. It was in Baton Rouge, and you were playing at Clairmont Community College.

Paul Simon: [ thinking ] Ah! Carol Britsky!

Carol Britsky: Yes!

Paul Simon: I remember. You were a Political Science major then.

Carol Britsky: Yes! I’m teaching it now.

Paul Simon: Really. Well, congratulations! It’s nice to see you again.

Carol Britsky: It’s nice to see you! [ walks away ]

Jan Hooks: [ flabbergasted ] You know, I am amazed! You have an excellent memory.

Paul Simon: I train my memory. Because if I get an idea for a lyric in the middle of the night, I want to freeze it, so I can have it in the morning and write it down. So I work on my memory..

[ a woman and a man approach ]

Woman: Paul Simon! Hi! Oh, I’m sure you don’t remember, but I saw you in your concert at Central Park.

Paul Simon: [ thinking ] You were sitting on a plaid blanket.. under the elm tree.

Woman: Yes, yes!

Paul Simon: You’ve changed your hair since then. I like it very much.

Woman: Thank you. Thank you!

Paul Simon: And thank you for yelling “More!”

Woman: Oh, you’re welcome! [ grabs the man with her ] This is my friend Steve.

Steve: [ shakes Paul’s hand ] Hello.

Paul Simon: Steve, how are you? [ thinking ] I don’t remember you from Central Park.

Steve: No, no, I wasn’t there. I saw you in Baltimore in 1981.

Paul Simon: Oh! That’s right! The Capitol Theater, the late show! You were the one who kept yelling, “‘The Boxer’! Play ‘The Boxer’!”

Steve: Yes! I hope you didn’t mind.

Paul Simon: Ah, I didn’t mind. It’s just, we had just finished playing “The Boxer”.

Steve: [ embarassed ] Oh. Gosh, I.. I.. I had just stepped out. I didn’t know! I’m sorry!

Paul Simon: Don’t worry about it! It’s nice seeing you both. I love your hair.

Woman: Thank you.

[ the couple walk away ]

Jan Hooks: [ amazed ] You know, I can’t even remember the names of my cousins. This is bizarre..

[ another man quickly approaches ]

Bill Seabrook: Hi! Do you remember me? I’m Bill Seabrook. I bought your “Bridge Over Troubled Water” in Seattle, and I had to return it?

Paul Simon: Oh, yes, you had a problem with the second side, there was a scratch on the second cut..

Bill Seabrook: Yes!

Paul Simon: Did they take care of that for you?

Bill Seabrook: Yes! They sure did! No problem!

Paul Simon: Good. I heard your sister isn’t doing so well. Is she alright?

Bill Seabrook: Oh, she’s doing much better. Thanks!

Paul Simon: Oh, I’m relieved! Great!

Bill Seabrook: [ hugs Paul passionately ] Don’t ever change. [ walks away ]

Paul Simon: [ to Jan ] I won’t.

Jan Hooks: You won’t.

Paul Simon: I won’t ever change.

[ Art Garfunkel approaches ]

Art Garfunkel: Hey, Paul! You gotta see this movie. This movie is great! I saw this movie last week, DeNiro is fantastic, you’re gonna love this film!

Paul Simon: [ confused ] And your name is?

Art Garfunkel: Paul, I’m Artie. Art Garfunkel.

Paul Simon: [ thinking ] Art.. Gar-funkel..?

Jan Hooks: Paul, this man was your partner. You were a team.

Art Garfunkel: For 11 years, Paul.

Paul Simon: [ thinking ] A team? A team for 11 years? Garfunkel..

Art Garfunkel: [ singing ] When you’re weary.. feeling small. When tears are in..

[ Paul can’t recall the event Garfunkel is referring to, as the scene closes ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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