Looking For The Remote


Looking For The Remote

Dad…..Chevy Chase
Mom…..Jan Hooks
Paul Williams…..
Fifi…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on interior, suburban living room, as Dad enters to watch the big game from the comfort of his beloved couch ]

Dad: Okay, let’s go Jets! Whee-hee-hee!

Mom: Hey, honey, I’m doing these Christmas cards. These are for you to sign.

Dad: Not now, babe, we’re about to kick off. [ sits on the couch ] Alright.. got my BLT. where are my chips? Pass me those chips. [ Son passes the chips to him ] I’ve got my beer.. and the channel changer, please? Honey, have you seen my channel changer?

Mom: Nope.

Dad: Kevin, where’s the changer? You had it last.

Son: Did not. Why don’t you just walk over there and change it yourself? It’s only five feet!

Dad: Because Daddy likes to flip around during the commercials. It’s one of Daddy’s great joys. Okay? So let’s help Daddy find his channel changer, okay? Where the hell is it? [ gets up to look around ]

Mom: Well, check the couch. Sometimes it falls back there behind the cushions.

[ Dad starts to dig underneath the cushions ]

Mom: Do you see it?

Dad: [ digging ] No.. Oh, God.. this is great! Here’s some change, that’s nice. A lot of it, too. [ drops handfuls of loose change onto the coffee table ] Look! Here we go, here we go.. I’ve got something here.. Scrabble letters! [ drops the tiles onto the coffee table ] Hey, here’s the J and the Q! That means the whole game we played last night doesn’t count! [ chuckles, as Mom groans ] Okay, where’s the changer?

Mom: I’m sure it’s there, just dig deeper.

Dad: [ with his hand down the back of the sofa ] I am. I’ve found some pens.. yeah, there’s always pens behind the couch. [ drops a handful of pens onto the coffee table ] It’s gotta be here! [ reaches something ] What have we got here? Hey, here’s TV Guide!

Mom: Oh.. great! Is it this week’s?

Dad: You tell me – Don Adams is on the cover. When was the last time you cleaned back here?

Mom: Come on.

Dad: [ reaches in again ] I think there’s some food here, can you believe it? [ pulls out two black bananas ] Yeah, bananas! You hungry, Kev? [ throws the black bananas at his son ] Come on, woof that down! [ digs deeper ] It’s gotta be here! [ pulls out a painting ] Hey, honey! Honey! It’s our Matisse! I don’t believe it!

Mom: [ excited ] Oh! And we thought it was stolen!

Dad: I know!

Son: Dad, didn’t the insurance company already pay you back for that?

Dad: Right, they did that, Kevin. But we’ll call them and send their check back first thing in the morning. [ digs deeper ] Let’s see, what’s this? Is this the channel changer? I think I’ve got it! [ pulls out a skeleton of a dog ] Why, it’s Fluffy! She’s gonna need your love now more than ever, Son. [ hands the bones to his son, as he digs deeper into the cushions ] Ah, let’s see here.. [ pulls out a cartridge ] hey, look at this, it’s an old 8-track cartridge! You don’t see these much any more. Paul Williams’ Greatest Hits!

Mom: Whatever happened to Paul Williams?

Dad: [ reaches behind the cushions ] Uh.. here he is.

Paul Williams: [ standing ] I think my butt’s asleep.

Dad: Excuse me, Paul? Did you happen to see a television chanel changer behind here?

Paul Williams: No, I’m afraid not.

Dad: Oh.

Paul Williams: Well, it was nice meeting you all. I’ll just let myself out.

Dad: You look good, you’ve lost weight.

Paul Williams: [ exits ] “Rainy days and mondays always get me down..”

Dad: He’s great, isn’t he? [ continues to dig for his channel changer, we can see his hand moving around at the bottom of the far end of the couch ] Oh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! I think I’ve got it! I’ve found it! There we are! [ pulls a maid out from behind the cushions ] Fifi! Where the hell have you been, I’ve been looking all over for you!

Fifi: I’m sorry, Mr. Reynolds, I must have slipped behind the..

Mom: Behind the cushion, I knew it! Didn’t I tell you?

Dad: [ aggravated ] Turn the TV on, would you, please?

Fifi: Yes, sir. [ walks over and changes the channel for Dad ]

Dad: Channel 7. Nice, Fifi, where have you been? 4..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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