Looking For The Remote
[ open on interior, suburban living room, as Dad enters to watch the big game from the comfort of his beloved couch ]
Dad: Okay, let’s go Jets! Whee-hee-hee!
Mom: Hey, honey, I’m doing these Christmas cards. These are for you to sign.
Dad: Not now, babe, we’re about to kick off. [ sits on the couch ] Alright.. got my BLT. where are my chips? Pass me those chips. [ Son passes the chips to him ] I’ve got my beer.. and the channel changer, please? Honey, have you seen my channel changer?
Dad: Kevin, where’s the changer? You had it last.
Son: Did not. Why don’t you just walk over there and change it yourself? It’s only five feet!
Dad: Because Daddy likes to flip around during the commercials. It’s one of Daddy’s great joys. Okay? So let’s help Daddy find his channel changer, okay? Where the hell is it? [ gets up to look around ]
Mom: Well, check the couch. Sometimes it falls back there behind the cushions.
Mom: Do you see it?
Dad: [ digging ] No.. Oh, God.. this is great! Here’s some change, that’s nice. A lot of it, too. [ drops handfuls of loose change onto the coffee table ] Look! Here we go, here we go.. I’ve got something here.. Scrabble letters! [ drops the tiles onto the coffee table ] Hey, here’s the J and the Q! That means the whole game we played last night doesn’t count! [ chuckles, as Mom groans ] Okay, where’s the changer?
Mom: I’m sure it’s there, just dig deeper.
Dad: [ with his hand down the back of the sofa ] I am. I’ve found some pens.. yeah, there’s always pens behind the couch. [ drops a handful of pens onto the coffee table ] It’s gotta be here! [ reaches something ] What have we got here? Hey, here’s TV Guide!
Mom: Oh.. great! Is it this week’s?
Dad: You tell me – Don Adams is on the cover. When was the last time you cleaned back here?
Mom: Come on.
Dad: [ reaches in again ] I think there’s some food here, can you believe it? [ pulls out two black bananas ] Yeah, bananas! You hungry, Kev? [ throws the black bananas at his son ] Come on, woof that down! [ digs deeper ] It’s gotta be here! [ pulls out a painting ] Hey, honey! Honey! It’s our Matisse! I don’t believe it!
Mom: [ excited ] Oh! And we thought it was stolen!
Dad: I know!
Son: Dad, didn’t the insurance company already pay you back for that?
Dad: Right, they did that, Kevin. But we’ll call them and send their check back first thing in the morning. [ digs deeper ] Let’s see, what’s this? Is this the channel changer? I think I’ve got it! [ pulls out a skeleton of a dog ] Why, it’s Fluffy! She’s gonna need your love now more than ever, Son. [ hands the bones to his son, as he digs deeper into the cushions ] Ah, let’s see here.. [ pulls out a cartridge ] hey, look at this, it’s an old 8-track cartridge! You don’t see these much any more. Paul Williams’ Greatest Hits!
Mom: Whatever happened to Paul Williams?
Dad: [ reaches behind the cushions ] Uh.. here he is.
Paul Williams: [ standing ] I think my butt’s asleep.
Dad: Excuse me, Paul? Did you happen to see a television chanel changer behind here?
Paul Williams: No, I’m afraid not.
Paul Williams: Well, it was nice meeting you all. I’ll just let myself out.
Dad: You look good, you’ve lost weight.
Paul Williams: [ exits ] “Rainy days and mondays always get me down..”
Dad: He’s great, isn’t he? [ continues to dig for his channel changer, we can see his hand moving around at the bottom of the far end of the couch ] Oh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! I think I’ve got it! I’ve found it! There we are! [ pulls a maid out from behind the cushions ] Fifi! Where the hell have you been, I’ve been looking all over for you!
Fifi: I’m sorry, Mr. Reynolds, I must have slipped behind the..
Mom: Behind the cushion, I knew it! Didn’t I tell you?
Dad: [ aggravated ] Turn the TV on, would you, please?
Fifi: Yes, sir. [ walks over and changes the channel for Dad ]
Dad: Channel 7. Nice, Fifi, where have you been? 4..