Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 12: Episode 6
Halsey & Roarke, British Customs
Announcer/Traveler #1…..Phil Hartman
Terry Halsey…..Eric Idle
Clive Roarke…..Dana Carvey
Traveler #2…..Steve Martin
Traveler #3/Airport Announcer…..Nora Dunn
Traveler #4…..Jon Lovitz
Traveler #5…..Martin Short
FADE IN:[ STOCK FOOTAGE OF HEATHROW INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT ]
Announcer: Heathrow Airport. Gateway to London. The crossroads of Europe. But for the misguided few who try to bring in contraband, it’s the end of the line. Even the cleverest of smugglers will find his match here; thanks to two men — Halsey & Roarke, British Customs.[ TITLE CARD: HALSEY & ROARKE, BRITISH CUSTOMS ] [ INT. HEATHROW AIRPORT – BRITISH CUSTOMS – DAY ] [ Two constables apprehend the FIRST TRAVELER in line and drag him away. ]
Clive Roarke: All right! Make way! Excitement’s over! Show’s over! Give him room!
Traveler #1: BUT I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!![ Those in line clear the way. ]
Clive Roarke: Doesn’t matter what you do! Give him room! Good eye, Terry! I might have let that one slip through.
Terry Halsey: Just a lucky strike, Clive. Just a lucky shot in the dark. He seemed a little too nonchalant, you know? “Tra-la-la-la-la-la! I’m going through Customs!” Alright, next please.[ The SECOND TRAVELER in line steps up. ]
Clive Roarke: Good morning! Please put your bag on the counter.[ Traveler #2 obliges. ]
Terry Halsey: Anything to declare, sir?
Traveler #2: Ah, yes. I got this in Rome.
Terry Halsey: Oh! Chocolates! Very sweet.[ Halsey opens the box. ]
Terry Halsey: Well, you nearly have enough for everybody in the line…
Clive Roarke: That’s nice!
Terry Halsey: Do you mind? May I?
Traveler #2: Well… sure.[ Halsey takes out the entire tray of chocolates from the box. ]
Clive Roarke: Do you have anything else to declare today?
Traveler #2: No I don’t.[ Halsey showcases the lace sheet in the box. ]
Terry Halsey: What a lovely lace bottom this has, Sir![ Halsey scans the box again. ]
Terry Halsey: Wait a minute! Wait a tick! ‘Allo![ Halsey peels the lace sheet to reveal another tray of chocolates. ]
Terry Halsey: ‘Allo! What’s this!?
Traveler #2: More chocolates.
Terry Halsey: Well, well… The old “False Bottom Trick”! Isn’t that cozy, Clive? See this – we come to the end of the box…
Clive Roarke: Yes.
Terry Halsey: It’s the bottom…
Clive Roarke: Mm-hmm.
Terry Halsey: Or is it?
Clive Roarke: Oh![ Roarke places the sheet back on then re-peels it. ]
Clive Roarke: ‘Allo! What’s this? A secret compartment!
Terry Halsey: ‘Allo! Bold as life! You’ve got some nerve, Sonny! What’s the matter? Double your pleasure, eh?
Traveler #2: Those are chocolates! They always come in —[ Two constables drag the traveler away. ]
Clive Roarke: Take him away! Let him through! Let him through!
Terry Halsey: Next! Anything to declare, madam?
Traveler #3: I don’t think so. I’m just in from New York.
Terry Halsey: New York!?
Traveler #3: Yeah.
Terry Halsey: Crikey![ Halsey pulls out a L’Eggs egg from her purse. ]
Terry Halsey: This egg, Clive… Seem a little… on the larger size to you?
Clive Roarke: I suppose so. I’m not much of an egg eater, but it’s a bit big.[ Roarke flicks the egg twice. ]
Clive Roarke: Wait a minute! ‘Allo! That’s queer![ Roarke hands the egg to Halsey. ]
Terry Halsey: ‘Allo![ Halsey breaks open the egg. ]
Halsey & Roarke: ‘ALLO!!![ Halsey pulls out pantyhose and holds it high. ]
Terry Halsey: Well, Cock-a-Doodle Do!!
Traveler #3: They’re stockings. They’re built that way.
Clive Roarke: Step aside!! We don’t want to hear it![ Two constables drag the female traveler away. ]
Clive Roarke: Let her through! Show’s over! Imagine trying a thing like that?
Terry Halsey: Why do they risk it? A nice woman like that…
Clive Roarke: The sport, the thrill of the chase – I suppose.
Terry Halsey: Next please.[ A FOURTH TRAVELER steps up to the desk. ]
Terry Halsey: Anything to declare?
Traveler #4: No, just this.[ The traveler hands Halsey a fine wooden chess board. ]
Traveler #4: I bought it in Spain.
Terry Halsey: Oh!! Very nice![ Halsey reviews the chess board. ]
Terry Halsey: A handsome wooden block! Nice decorative inlay.
Traveler #4: Well, no, actually it’s a —
Terry Halsey: Please, sir… May I do my job? Do you mind? Thank you very mu —[ Halsey notices the latch to the chess board. ]
Terry Halsey: ‘Allo!
Clive Roarke: ‘Allo?
Terry Halsey: What’s this thing? A tiny little latch![ Halsey opens the latch and all the chess pieces fall out. ]
Halsey & Roarke: ‘ALLO!!!
Clive Roarke: It seems we have some little stowaways here…
Terry Halsey: Lovely little concealed carvings! All hidden away!
Clive Roarke: Third one today.
Terry Halsey: Why do they do it?
Clive Roarke: It’s a character weakness.
Traveler #4: It’s a chess board!
Terry Halsey: Just like all the other ones! How do they take us for!
Clive Roarke: Take him out! Take him out![ Two constables drag the traveler away. ]
Terry Halsey: Clear the way, folks! Don’t block the way!
Clive Roarke: Bring it in! Bring it in![ A FIFTH TRAVELER, wearing a large, hooded, reversible winter jacket, approaches the desk. ]
Traveler #5: ‘ALLO![ Halsey & Roarke exchange looks of suspicion. ]
Terry Halsey: What have you got to declare?
Traveler #5: Nothing! No luggage!! Sorry!
Terry Halsey: I see. There’s something I don’t like about him.
Clive Roarke: The nose?
Terry Halsey: Maybe the jacket…
Clive Roarke: Oh… Sir, could you possibly remove, the, uh, “jacket”?
Traveler #5: Certainly.[ He removes his jacket. ]
Terry Halsey: Humor me for a moment, Clive.
Clive Roarke: All-righty![ Halsey & Roarke each put one arm into the jacket. ]
Terry Halsey: Just a tick…[ Halsey & Roarke each hold onto one side of the collar. ]
Terry Halsey: Pull!![ The jacket reverses. ]
Halsey & Roarke: ‘ALLO!!!
Traveler #5: It’s a reversible jacket. It’s designed to do that.
Terry Halsey: Evidently!
Clive Roarke: Of course it was! Just not quite so soon, eh mate?[ Two constables drag the traveler away. ]
Terry Halsey: Let him through – the excitement’s over.
Traveler #5: WAIT A MINUTE! It’s not mine. I found the jacket.
Terry Halsey: You found it!?
Traveler #5: Yes, yes…
Terry Halsey: Well, then, that’s all right! On your way then![ The constables release him and he quickly exits. ]
Terry Halsey: Next please.
Airport Announcer (V/O): Attention please, all passengers, the British Customs Detention Center is all filled to capacity. Passengers may proceed to the main terminal.
Terry Halsey: Filled up!? It’s not even noon yet!?!?
Clive Roarke: They have to build a new detention center. They have to!
Terry Halsey: All right, move along…
Halsey & Roarke: ‘Allo, ‘allo…[ Halsey signals for all the passengers to proceed. All do without hesitation. ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs