SNL Transcripts: Chevy Chase, Steve Martin & Martin Short: 12/06/86: The Eggshell Family

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 12: Episode 6

86f: Chevy Chase, Steve Martin & Martin Short / Randy Newman

The Eggshell Family

Announcer…Don Pardo
Mom…Jan Hooks
Scott…Kevin Nealon
Danny…Martin Short
Dad…Steve Martin

(Fade in)


(Cue Music – kind of “Leave It To Beaver” theme music)

Announcer: Now it’s time for another episode of “The Eggshell Family”. Tonight: “The Phone Call”.

(Open on in a family living room, Scott and Danny sit at a table playing Scrabble; Mom sitting on the couch knitting)

Danny: Mom?

Mom: Yes.

Danny: Never mind.

Mom: No, no, honey, you were gonna say something, what was it?

Danny: Well, maybe Scott should ask. That’s okay if it’s all right with the both of you.

Mom: Well honey, it’s certainly okay with me, I mean if it’s okay with Scott. Scott?

Scott: Well, Danny and I were just wondering if you thought it might hurt Dad’s feelings if, you know, we washed the car.

Mom: Oh boys, I tell you, I just don’t know. Your father is a very sensitive man; you realize that, don’t you?

Danny: Maybe we shouldn’t!

Mom: Well, I didn’t say you shouldn’t.

(Telephone rings)

Danny: I’ll get it! (Starts getting up from his seat to answer the telephone) Unless I shouldn’t.

Mom: (confused) Ah, no. You should. I guess.

(Danny walks over the telephone, rather nervously)

Danny: Well, here it goes. (Answers the phone) Hello, Eggshell residence. Could you just hold one second?

Mom: What do you they want?

Danny: They want to talk to Dad.

Mom: Well, who is it?

Danny: I don’t ask. Should I have asked?

Scott: Well, YES! Right?

Danny: Yes or no? What?

Mom: Yes.

Danny: May I ask who’s calling? (To Mom & Scott) It’s Ray from Dad’s Bowling Team. He just wanted to say “hi”. What do I do? What do I do?

Mom: Stall! Stall!

Danny: Hi, Ray! So…(To Mom & Scott) He asked it this was a bad time! What should I say, that it was or wasn’t?

(Dad suddenly comes down the stairs from the second floor of the house; attempts to kiss his wife, nervously, then they both decide not to kiss; Danny stands by the phone, nervously laying the receiver of the telephone on the floor, dangling off the table the telephone sits on; Dad picks a chair to sit at and opens his newspaper and begins reading it)

Scott: (To Mom & Danny) Maybe one of us should say something.

Danny: Well Mom, you’re his wife.

Dad: Is something wrong?

Danny: No. What do you mean?

Dad: No, I just thought…that…never mind.

Danny: Okay.

(Mom moves over to the other side of the couch to attempt to inform her husband about the telephone call)

Mom: Listen, I don’t know how exactly to say this, but…Is your chair comfortable?

Dad: Oh sure, why? Did you want to sit here?

Mom: No.

Dad: Are you sure? Would you rather sit here? Would you rather sit here?

Mom: Do you want me to sit there?

Dad: Only if you want me to sit there.

(Mom & Dad switch seats)

Scott: Dad?

Dad: Do you want to sit here?

(Scott moves from his seat at the table to where Dad was just sitting on the couch)

Dad & Scott: Okay. Okay.

Scott: Okay, Dad, don’t take this the wrong way, but…there’s a phone call for you.

(Dad gets up quickly, nervous about the telephone call)

Danny: It’s Ray. He’s just calling to say “hi”.

Dad: Hi?

Danny: Yes.

Dad: Did you tell him I was home?

Danny: Shouldn’t I have?

Dad: No, not necessarily. Whatever you think. What did you tell him?

Danny: Well, I didn’t really know which one to say. What should I…

Dad: Whichever one you felt was best.

Danny: Well, to be perfectly frank, I don’t think I said one or the other.

(Danny & Dad proceed to talk over each other, then share a laugh about it)

Dad: You go ahead.

Danny: No, I interrupted you.

Dad: No, no, you were talking.

Danny: Well…I forgot what I was going to say.

Dad: So did I.

(Dad proceeds to go towards the telephone to answer the call)

Dad: Well, I guess there’s no reason not to answer it! Unless you can think of a reason!

Danny: I can’t!

(Dad picks up the telephone receiver)

Dad: Hello? (To his family) He hung up!

(Mom, Scott and Danny all have a sigh of relief)

(Cue Music the same “Leave It To Beaver” theme music from the start of the sketch)


Announcer: Join us next week for episode #7 – “A Letter Arrives”.

(Fade out)

Submitted by: Mark Jennings Reese II

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