SNL Transcripts: Chevy Chase, Steve Martin & Martin Short: 12/06/86: The Eggshell Family



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 12: Episode 6


86f: Chevy Chase, Steve Martin & Martin Short / Randy Newman

The Eggshell Family

Announcer…Don Pardo
Mom…Jan Hooks
Scott…Kevin Nealon
Danny…Martin Short
Dad…Steve Martin

(Fade in)

(SUPER Bumper: THE EGGSHELL FAMILY THIS WEEK: THE PHONE CALL)

(Cue Music – kind of “Leave It To Beaver” theme music)

Announcer: Now it’s time for another episode of “The Eggshell Family”. Tonight: “The Phone Call”.

(Open on in a family living room, Scott and Danny sit at a table playing Scrabble; Mom sitting on the couch knitting)

Danny: Mom?

Mom: Yes.

Danny: Never mind.

Mom: No, no, honey, you were gonna say something, what was it?

Danny: Well, maybe Scott should ask. That’s okay if it’s all right with the both of you.

Mom: Well honey, it’s certainly okay with me, I mean if it’s okay with Scott. Scott?

Scott: Well, Danny and I were just wondering if you thought it might hurt Dad’s feelings if, you know, we washed the car.

Mom: Oh boys, I tell you, I just don’t know. Your father is a very sensitive man; you realize that, don’t you?

Danny: Maybe we shouldn’t!

Mom: Well, I didn’t say you shouldn’t.

(Telephone rings)

Danny: I’ll get it! (Starts getting up from his seat to answer the telephone) Unless I shouldn’t.

Mom: (confused) Ah, no. You should. I guess.

(Danny walks over the telephone, rather nervously)

Danny: Well, here it goes. (Answers the phone) Hello, Eggshell residence. Could you just hold one second?

Mom: What do you they want?

Danny: They want to talk to Dad.

Mom: Well, who is it?

Danny: I don’t ask. Should I have asked?

Scott: Well, YES! Right?

Danny: Yes or no? What?

Mom: Yes.

Danny: May I ask who’s calling? (To Mom & Scott) It’s Ray from Dad’s Bowling Team. He just wanted to say “hi”. What do I do? What do I do?

Mom: Stall! Stall!

Danny: Hi, Ray! So…(To Mom & Scott) He asked it this was a bad time! What should I say, that it was or wasn’t?

(Dad suddenly comes down the stairs from the second floor of the house; attempts to kiss his wife, nervously, then they both decide not to kiss; Danny stands by the phone, nervously laying the receiver of the telephone on the floor, dangling off the table the telephone sits on; Dad picks a chair to sit at and opens his newspaper and begins reading it)

Scott: (To Mom & Danny) Maybe one of us should say something.

Danny: Well Mom, you’re his wife.

Dad: Is something wrong?

Danny: No. What do you mean?

Dad: No, I just thought…that…never mind.

Danny: Okay.

(Mom moves over to the other side of the couch to attempt to inform her husband about the telephone call)

Mom: Listen, I don’t know how exactly to say this, but…Is your chair comfortable?

Dad: Oh sure, why? Did you want to sit here?

Mom: No.

Dad: Are you sure? Would you rather sit here? Would you rather sit here?

Mom: Do you want me to sit there?

Dad: Only if you want me to sit there.

(Mom & Dad switch seats)

Scott: Dad?

Dad: Do you want to sit here?

(Scott moves from his seat at the table to where Dad was just sitting on the couch)

Dad & Scott: Okay. Okay.

Scott: Okay, Dad, don’t take this the wrong way, but…there’s a phone call for you.

(Dad gets up quickly, nervous about the telephone call)

Danny: It’s Ray. He’s just calling to say “hi”.

Dad: Hi?

Danny: Yes.

Dad: Did you tell him I was home?

Danny: Shouldn’t I have?

Dad: No, not necessarily. Whatever you think. What did you tell him?

Danny: Well, I didn’t really know which one to say. What should I…

Dad: Whichever one you felt was best.

Danny: Well, to be perfectly frank, I don’t think I said one or the other.

(Danny & Dad proceed to talk over each other, then share a laugh about it)

Dad: You go ahead.

Danny: No, I interrupted you.

Dad: No, no, you were talking.

Danny: Well…I forgot what I was going to say.

Dad: So did I.

(Dad proceeds to go towards the telephone to answer the call)

Dad: Well, I guess there’s no reason not to answer it! Unless you can think of a reason!

Danny: I can’t!

(Dad picks up the telephone receiver)

Dad: Hello? (To his family) He hung up!

(Mom, Scott and Danny all have a sigh of relief)

(Cue Music the same “Leave It To Beaver” theme music from the start of the sketch)

(SUPER bumper: THE EGGSHELL FAMILY NEXT WEEK: A LETTER ARRIVES)

Announcer: Join us next week for episode #7 – “A Letter Arrives”.

(Fade out)

Submitted by: Mark Jennings Reese II

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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