Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 12: Episode 6
The Eggshell Family
Mom Jan Hooks
Scott Kevin Nealon
Danny Martin Short
Dad Steve Martin
(SUPER Bumper: THE EGGSHELL FAMILY THIS WEEK: THE PHONE CALL)
(Cue Music kind of Leave It To Beaver theme music)
Announcer: Now its time for another episode of The Eggshell Family. Tonight: The Phone Call.
(Open on in a family living room, Scott and Danny sit at a table playing Scrabble; Mom sitting on the couch knitting)
Danny: Never mind.
Mom: No, no, honey, you were gonna say something, what was it?
Danny: Well, maybe Scott should ask. Thats okay if its all right with the both of you.
Mom: Well honey, its certainly okay with me, I mean if its okay with Scott. Scott?
Scott: Well, Danny and I were just wondering if you thought it might hurt Dads feelings if, you know, we washed the car.
Mom: Oh boys, I tell you, I just dont know. Your father is a very sensitive man; you realize that, dont you?
Danny: Maybe we shouldnt!
Mom: Well, I didnt say you shouldnt.
Danny: Ill get it! (Starts getting up from his seat to answer the telephone) Unless I shouldnt.
Mom: (confused) Ah, no. You should. I guess.
(Danny walks over the telephone, rather nervously)
Danny: Well, here it goes. (Answers the phone) Hello, Eggshell residence. Could you just hold one second?
Mom: What do you they want?
Danny: They want to talk to Dad.
Mom: Well, who is it?
Danny: I dont ask. Should I have asked?
Scott: Well, YES! Right?
Danny: Yes or no? What?
Danny: May I ask whos calling? (To Mom & Scott) Its Ray from Dads Bowling Team. He just wanted to say hi. What do I do? What do I do?
Mom: Stall! Stall!
Danny: Hi, Ray! So (To Mom & Scott) He asked it this was a bad time! What should I say, that it was or wasnt?
(Dad suddenly comes down the stairs from the second floor of the house; attempts to kiss his wife, nervously, then they both decide not to kiss; Danny stands by the phone, nervously laying the receiver of the telephone on the floor, dangling off the table the telephone sits on; Dad picks a chair to sit at and opens his newspaper and begins reading it)
Scott: (To Mom & Danny) Maybe one of us should say something.
Danny: Well Mom, youre his wife.
Dad: Is something wrong?
Danny: No. What do you mean?
Dad: No, I just thought that never mind.
(Mom moves over to the other side of the couch to attempt to inform her husband about the telephone call)
Mom: Listen, I dont know how exactly to say this, but Is your chair comfortable?
Dad: Oh sure, why? Did you want to sit here?
Dad: Are you sure? Would you rather sit here? Would you rather sit here?
Mom: Do you want me to sit there?
Dad: Only if you want me to sit there.
(Mom & Dad switch seats)
Dad: Do you want to sit here?
(Scott moves from his seat at the table to where Dad was just sitting on the couch)
Dad & Scott: Okay. Okay.
Scott: Okay, Dad, dont take this the wrong way, but theres a phone call for you.
(Dad gets up quickly, nervous about the telephone call)
Danny: Its Ray. Hes just calling to say hi.
Dad: Did you tell him I was home?
Danny: Shouldnt I have?
Dad: No, not necessarily. Whatever you think. What did you tell him?
Danny: Well, I didnt really know which one to say. What should I
Dad: Whichever one you felt was best.
Danny: Well, to be perfectly frank, I dont think I said one or the other.
(Danny & Dad proceed to talk over each other, then share a laugh about it)
Dad: You go ahead.
Danny: No, I interrupted you.
Dad: No, no, you were talking.
Danny: Well I forgot what I was going to say.
Dad: So did I.
(Dad proceeds to go towards the telephone to answer the call)
Dad: Well, I guess theres no reason not to answer it! Unless you can think of a reason!
Danny: I cant!
(Dad picks up the telephone receiver)
Dad: Hello? (To his family) He hung up!
(Mom, Scott and Danny all have a sigh of relief)
(Cue Music the same Leave It To Beaver theme music from the start of the sketch)
(SUPER bumper: THE EGGSHELL FAMILY NEXT WEEK: A LETTER ARRIVES)
Announcer: Join us next week for episode #7 A Letter Arrives.
Submitted by: Mark Jennings Reese II