Reporter…..Nora Dunn
President Reagan…..Phil Hartman
William Casey…..Jon Lovitz
White House Aide…..Dennis Miller
Staffer #1…..A. Whitney Brown
Staffer #2…..Kevin Nealon
Jimmy Stewart…..Dana Carvey

[ open on exterior, White House ] [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Reagan being interviewedby a reporter ]

Reporter: And finally, Mr. President, about the Iran-Nicaraguanconnection. Some may wonder which was worse: your knowing or your notknowing?

President Reagan: [ slow ] Well.. all I can say is.. I didn’t know. And, well.. we’re trying to find out what happened, because.. none of us know.

Reporter: Well, thank you, Mr. President.

President Reagan: [ shaking her hand ] Well.. I hope I’ve answered your questions as best I could.. given the very little I know. Goodbye, and God bless you. Thank you very much. [ she exits the Oval Office, as Reagan suddenly alters his personality to a take-charge attitude ] Okay, get back in here! [ his staffers enter the Oval Office from the adjacent room ] Alright, let’s get down to business! I’m only going to go through this once, so it’s essential that you pay attention! 1: Casey!

William Casey: Yes, Sir!

President Reagan: You’ll spearhead our new operation to fund theContras. The C-5As with the TOW missiles and the grenade launchers will leave for South Africa at 0800 hours! I want you to supervise the loading. 2: Regan!

Don Regan: Yes, Sir.

President Reagan: Well.. I’m afriad you’re going to have to resign. But.. first you’ll make a public statement supporting me, which I wrote myself. It’s over there on the word processor, just key in and press 5. The code name is..? [ Regan shrugs his shoulders ] Oh, alright, I’ll do it for you! Now, any questions? [ Casey raises his hand ] Yes.

William Casey: Mr. President, you’re going so fast. There’s still a lot about the Iran-Contra Affair I don’t understand..

President Reagan: And you don’t need to understand! I’m the President! Only I need to understand! Is that clear?

William Casey: Yes.

President Reagan: Alright. [ presses button to make art print onwall lower to reveal a multi-colored map of the world ] Carlucci, you’re new, here’s how we run things. The red countries are the countries we sell arms to. The green countries are the countries where we wash our money. The blue countries are..

White House Aide: [ entering ] Excuse me, Mr. President, Sir?

President Reagan: Yes?

White House Aide: It’s your 11:30 photo opportunity – the littlegirl who sold the most Girl Scout cookies?

President Reagan: Damn! Okay, let’s get it over with.Everybody out. [ staffers get up ] Come on, come on! Move! [ they exit ] This is the part of the job I hate! [ the Girl Scout enters, as Reagan alters back to his senile personality ] Well.. hello, little girl.. what’s your name?

Girl Scout: Lisa Meyers.

President Reagan: Well, Lisa.. if you’re that good a saleslady..maybe I could use you up on Capitol Hill.. [ laughs ] Well, it was nice meeting you.

White House Aide: Come on, Lisa, come on.

Girl Scout: Bye.

President Reagan: Bye bye! [ Girl Scout exits Oval Office ] Okay, back to work! [ staff re-enters ] Afghanistan needs more money. We’ve got $65.2 million tucked away in Zurich. Now, if we hold it there for another 30 days, at 7.28% interest, that’s.. roughly.. $400,000.

Staffer #1: [ with calculator ] $397,200..

President Reagan: .. and 85! I know! Don’t waste my time! But.. if we take out only $20 million, we lose.. let’s see, let’s see.. that’s..

Staffer #1: $121,800..

President Reagan: and 16! Thank you so much![ intercom buzzes ] Yes?

Voice on Intercom: Mr. President? It’s Mr. Kuran Hasaf Husad.

President Reagan: Alright, put him on the speaker.

Voice on Speaker: [ speaking in Arabic accent ]

President Reagan: [ Reagan responds in Arabic accent ]

Voice on Speaker: [ Arabic accent ]

President Reagan: [ Arabic accent ] Makka lanna ho, makka channy hey!

Voice on Speaker: [ laughing ] Makka channy ho! B’aska lim.

President Reagan: B’aska lim! [ hangs up ] Well, gentlemen, I just concluded a very lucrative deal with the Iraqis.

Staffer #2: Mr. President, it just occurred to me. What if something happens to you? You’re the only one who knows what’s going on.

President Reagan: [ angry ] And that’s the way it’s going to stay! To quote Montesquieu: “Power without knowledge is power lost!”

White House Aide: [ entering ] Mr. President, it’s Jimmy Stewart.

President Reagan: Oh, Damn! Now?!

White House Aide: He says he’s had an appoinment with you for two months now.

President Reagan: Oh, alright, alright.. let’s get on with it. Everyone out. [ they exit, as Jimmy Stewart is shown in ] Hello, Jimmy.

[ they shake hands ]

Jimmy Stewart: Yeah, well, hi, Dutch! How are you? I’m sorry, Mr. President! You know, I’m having the hardest time getting used to that!

President Reagan: Well, we sure had great times back in Hollywood..

Jimmy Stewart: Aw, you can say that again, Dutch, we-we-we certainly did, yeah!

President Reagan: Well.. it was good seeing you, Jimmy.

Jimmy Stewart: Well, wha-wha-what are you talking about? I just got here, for crying out loud!

President Reagan: Well, I know, but.. uh, I have a.. well, a meeting.

Jimmy Stewart: Well, that’s just great! That’s just great! I’ll just stick around, that’s it, I’ll just stick around, and it’ll be wha-what? Educationl for me! Yeah!

President Reagan: Jimmy, I’m sorry, you can’t stay.

Jimmy Stewart: Well, come on, Dutch..

President Reagan: Jimmy! Don’t make me have to kill you!

Jimmy Stewart: Kill me? Wha-what? Kill me! Wha-wha.. since when is it a crime to visit your friend? I mean, what are you gonna do, have your Secret Service boys come in here and just blow me away? You’ve changed, Dutch, you’ve really changed!

President Reagan: Oh, Jimmy, please try to understand..

Jimmy Stewart: [ turns to leave ] For crying out loud! You’ve turned into a real jerk, you know that, you sonofa.. [ exits ]

President Reagan: Please, Jimmy.. okay, good! [ staff re-enters ] Alright, now listen. I want to discuss the cover-up. Here’s my plan: the NSC Review Board. We’ll buy Tower, bribe him, jsut flat out buy him! Now, we’ll dose Muskie with mood-altering drugs! [ laughs ] By the time Muskie knows what day it is, the ’88 elections will be over! [ continues to laugh ] [ cut to a clock on the mantel, the hours speeding by rapidly ] [ cut to close-up of Reagan behind his desk in great thought ]

President Reagan:, if we channel the $72 million through Ivan Boesky, we’ll have enough left over for Syria and South Ghana. Now, next point on the agenda is.. [ notices all the members of his staff asleep in their chairs ] Ed? Donald? Hello-o! Well, just me again.. great. Well, I’ve been doing it this way for six yers, why should I change now? [ checks his watch ] 3am.. [ dials phone ] The banks should be opening in Zurich right about now..

[ speaks German into phone as the scene pans out and ends ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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