Chevy Chase, Steve Martin & Martin Short’s Monologue


Chevy Chase, Steve Martin & Martin Short’s Monologue

…..Chevy Chase
…..Steve Martin
…..Martin Short
…..Lorne Michaels

[ the audience applauds wildly ]Martin Short: They like us! They like us!

Chevy Chase: Thank you!

[ Chevy throws his arms out and quiets the audience ]

Chevy Chase: Thank you very much, and good evening to you all.

Martin Short: First, I think, maybe, we should start out by saying our names. I’m Martin Short!

Steve Martin: And.. [ shrugs in acknowledgment ]

Chevy Chase: It’s great to be back in Studio 8H, and it’s great to be doing my old pratfalls. Let me just start by saying that I want you all to know.. uh.. I’ve been away for awhile, I was at a facility. And I really could not have done it without all of you. And that means you and you.. the letters and the cards.. uh, I don’t know how to thank you all enough.. and I certainly couldn’t have done it without the support of my friends here. It feels great to be, uh.. I’m in good shape.. I feel loose, I did a little fall.. it wasn’t a big deal, I got a little twitch in my back..

Steve Martin: Did you hurt yourself over there?

Chevy Chase: A little.

Steve Martin: Take a back pill! Take it.

Chevy Chase: [ resisting ] No, no, I can’t.

Steve Martin: Give him a back pill!

Chevy Chase: No! No!

[ Steve holds Chevy back as Martin throws back pills into his mouth ]

Chevy Chase: Enough!! Enough!! [ breaks free ]

Martin Short: Alright!

Steve Martin: Hey, you know what you need?

Chevy Chase: What?

Steve Martin: A drink. Give him a drink!

[ Martin holds a flask over Chevy’s mouth ]

Chevy Chase: I know, Happy New Year! Alright, alright.

Steve Martin: I’d like to say something. You know, I haven’t been on this stage for a couple of years, and I’m very happy to be here.. it brings back a lot of memories for me.. when the energy was flowing, and, uh.. the old.. uh.. confidence was there.. [ sighs, almost sweating ] Could you guys take care of the show for me, please? [ walks off ]

Chevy Chase: What’s wrong with him?

Martin Short: Steve?

Chevy Chase: Steve?

Steve Martin: Could you handle the show for me, please? Don’t embarrass me any more!

Martin Short: [ to Chevy ] I should go and talk to him. Should I go and talk to him? Yeah! [ runs after Steve ] Steve! Steve! Steve! [ passes him in the hall ] Oh! [ stops ] Steve! Steve, what’s wrong?

Steve Martin: [ upset ] I don’t know! It’s just that you guys have all the talent, I don’t have any talent, I never did! They’re gonna see right through me, they’re gonna know I’m a sham, I was a fake! They’re gonna say, “What did we ever see in that buffoon?!”

Martin Short: What are you talking about?

Steve Martin: I don’t want to hog anything from you guys!

[ Chevy has finally caught up with them at the end of the hall ]

Martin Short: You’re not! You are being ridiculous! What would Katherine Hepburn say at a moment like this? Can you imagine what she would say?

Steve Martin: No?

Martin Short: She’d say.. [ breaks into Katherine Hepburn voice ] “Listen to me, mister! I’m telling you that you’ve done this a thousand times before, darling, and you’ll do it again! Why do you question it? So I want you to look fear in the eye and say, “To hell with you! I think I’ll survive, thank you very much!””

Chevy Chase: You can do it, Steve! You just go out there and be yourself – you’re you!

Martin Short: Yes!

Steve Martin: Yeah. You’re right. Just be.. me! Thanks, amigos! [ continues to walk down the hall, reflecting ] What was I thinking about? I’ve faced a lot tougher things than this. I’ve gotten through it all, too! I mean, this is nothing! After all, I’m me!

[ breaks into song ]

“And nothing’s gonna stop me!
‘Cause I’m somebody!
That’s right! I’m me!

I’m not you, or you, or you, or you!
I’m me!

I’m gonna climb to the top of the tree!
I’m gonna ford that stream!
Gonna make all the world mine!
That’s right!
And nobody’s gonna stop me!”

[ the cast and crew now appears behind Steve ]

Steve Martin: Wait a minute.. Or, are they?

Cast: No.. no.. no..

Steve Martin: Could they?

Cast: No.. no.. no.. no.. no.. no..

Steve Martin: Naaaaaahhhhh!!

“I’m me! Nobody’s gonna stop me!
Not you, or you, or you, or you!”

Stagehand: Sorry, sir, you can’t come in here.

[ Steve punches him across the face; cast cheers ]

Joe Disco: It’s him!

Steve Martin: It’s really, really me!

Cast: Yes, it’s him, it’s really him!

Steve Martin:
And you know something folks?
I feel.. [ stops ]But, wait. What if I’m a girl?
Why, then, I’ll be the best darn girl there ever was!
Because I’m me!

And they’re ain’t nobody gonna stop me!
And, you know..
if someone takes a knife, and they stick it in my guts,
and all my guts spill out all over the floor.
You know what I’m gonna do?

Cast: What? What?

Steve Martin:
I’m gonna pick up my guts
and stick ’em back inside!
That’s right, inside me!

“I’m gonna climb that tree
I’m gonna climb that tree
I’m gonna climb that mountain
I’m gonna.. climb this ladder!

Put anything in front of me, I’m gonna climb it!

I’m gonna get off that ladder!
Hey, wait! Hold it!

[ stops ]

I’ve lost my place. Let me see that cue card. Hold it. [ grabs cue card ] “I’m me. Yes, me.” I said, “:Me is me..” Ah! Here it is!

I’m me!
You’re not me!
And you’re not me!
And you’re not me!

[ Steve’s earlier self, complete with white suit and fake arrow through his head rises before him ]

Steve Martin: Well, I don’t care if you are me, ’cause I’m the me-est me there ever was!

[ Steve enters Lorne’s office through a window ]

Lorne Michaels: Are you about through, Steve?

Steve Martin: Almost. Hey, wait a minute! Look! [ poimts to his image on a studio monitor ] Why, it’s me watching me watching me!

“It’s him! Yes, it’s him!
There he goes! There he goes!
He’s on his way to the place that he’s go-ingggggg!”

[ Steve and the cast and crew shimmy to the front of the stage ]

“He’s really moving! He’s rolling through now!
And wow, and wow, and wowwww!”

Steve Martin:
“Gonna get to where I’m going
gonna get there fast!
That magical place, it’s just around the corner!
Why, I can almost smell it!
That place called.. there!”

[ points to Home Base, where a long-since bored Chevy and Martin are playing Checkers ]

Steve Martin:
“Yes, world, I’m here!
‘Cause I’m meeee-eeeee-eeeee-eeee!!”

We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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