The Pat Stevens Show

The Pat Stevens Show

Pat Stevens…..Nora Dunn
Corazon Aquino…..Jan Hooks

[ open on Pat leafing through Vogue magazine ]
Pat Stevens: Hi, thank you! Hello, everybody! Welcome to “The Pat Stevens Show”, I’m Pat Stevens. Well, you caught me doing my favorite thing – reading a good book! You know, I like to think of my mind as a big, empty bucket, just waiting to be filled with pictures and words and.. whatever. Surprise me! That’s why Vogue is my favorite book.. and you know, I have my own library – volumes and volumes of Vogue. You know, I can just refer to them. What was I thinking last October? Well, I can look, and it’s right her, between September and November! I just love leafing through the pictures.. I know there’s pain in the world, and poison and hunger and other bad things, but I love a jersey knit. [ sighs ] And the pictures are just so educational.. [ flips to a page ] Here’s one I just love. [ holds it up to the audience ] It’s a picture of a woman in a fur, and she has a baby. I’ve always thought that childrenmade the best accessories! Well, gals, please pick up a book, Icannot express that enough – they’re not that heavy. Let’s stand up, shall we? Let’s do that together, keeping our knees in a locked position.. [ she rises ] ..we rise up, and you want to create a what? A line, yes! And our feet are positioned so that we can move about very freely, going wherever we like.. You can tell I’m a former model – thank you! Well, we’re ready to meet our very, very special guest today. I’m very honored to have her here – Mrs. Corazon Aquino! [ Corazon walks up and sits down ] Wow.. it is just such an honor to have you here, Mrs. Aquino.

Corazon Aquino: Well, thank you. You can call me “Corie.”

Pat Stevens: Corie. I understand that you have been busy as a bee lately.

Corazon Aquino: [ laughs ] Yes, you might say that, Pat. We have been working out a ceasefire agreement with the insurgents. The truce begins December 10th, for 60 days, we’re very excited about it..

Pat Stevens: [ interrupting ] Okay, what about the shoes?

Corazon Aquino: [ confused ] The shoes?

Pat Stevens: Yes, the shoes!

Corazon Aquino: Uh.. shoes are not the issue here, Pat..

Pat Stevens: I mean, 3,000 pairs of shoes in the basement! Didyou keep any of them?

Corazon Aquino: Uh.. no..

Pat Stevens: Did you try them on, and wear them around the palace?

Corazon Aquino: No.

Pat Stevens: Corie, I mean.. 3,000 pairs of shoes! I mean, a bulldozer couldn’t have pulled me out of that room! You didn’t even try one pair on?

Corazon Aquino: Well.. I did try one pair on. Only one.But it was too small.

Pat Stevens: Well, try a shoe-stretcher, they’re miracle workers! Now, have you talked to Imelda lately?

Corazon Aquino: I have nothing to say to Imelda Marcos. She is a foolish, foolish woman, who lost her country due to her excessive greed and vanity. Uh.. she is despciable, and I have no respect for her whatever.

Pat Stevens: You know, I had a roommate like that in college. Ate my food, wore my clothes without asking.. Was Imelda like that? I mean, that just drove me up the wall! What did she say: “I have 3,000 pairs of shoes, but no, I’ll borrow your one pair! I have 500 cocktail dresses, but I’ll wearo ne of yours and spill something on it!”

Corazon Aquino: No, no, no, no.. excuse me, there are many concerns besides Imelda. I have a job that is very difficult. There are people who say I can’t do this job..

Pat Stevens: There are people who say I can’t do this job, and that’s another thing that burns my britches!

Corazon Aquino: Pat, if we could get off the subject of yourburning britches for one just minute.. I feel that the American peopleshould know that I am tough, I am a woman, and I can lead my country!

Pat Stevens: Well, you’ve convinced me, and certainly my viewers. But what about your husband? What does he think about this job that you’ve taken?

Corazon Aquino: [ shocked by the question ] My husband wasassassinated three years ago.

Pat Stevens: Are you dating?

Corazon Aquino: Am I dating? No! That’s not the priority here,Pat! I mean, maybe after the next insurgency problem has been corrected, when the economy is back on his feet, after we have a constitution.. when I feel the government is stabilized.. then, and only then will I consider a social life! [ sees Pat buried in her Vogue magazine ] Hello!

Pat Stevens: Oh! Will you look at these Italian shoes here? [ forces magazine upon Corazon ] Did Imelda have a pair like that? I tell you, I’d give up my country for 3,000 pairs of these! [ closing music starts ] Bye bye, I’m Pat Stevens! [ back to Corazon ] Come on, look!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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