The Pat Stevens Show

The Pat Stevens Show

Pat Stevens…..Nora Dunn
Corazon Aquino…..Jan Hooks

[ open on Pat leafing through Vogue magazine ]
Pat Stevens: Hi, thank you! Hello, everybody! Welcome to “The Pat Stevens Show”, I’m Pat Stevens. Well, you caught me doing my favorite thing – reading a good book! You know, I like to think of my mind as a big, empty bucket, just waiting to be filled with pictures and words and.. whatever. Surprise me! That’s why Vogue is my favorite book.. and you know, I have my own library – volumes and volumes of Vogue. You know, I can just refer to them. What was I thinking last October? Well, I can look, and it’s right her, between September and November! I just love leafing through the pictures.. I know there’s pain in the world, and poison and hunger and other bad things, but I love a jersey knit. [ sighs ] And the pictures are just so educational.. [ flips to a page ] Here’s one I just love. [ holds it up to the audience ] It’s a picture of a woman in a fur, and she has a baby. I’ve always thought that childrenmade the best accessories! Well, gals, please pick up a book, Icannot express that enough – they’re not that heavy. Let’s stand up, shall we? Let’s do that together, keeping our knees in a locked position.. [ she rises ] ..we rise up, and you want to create a what? A line, yes! And our feet are positioned so that we can move about very freely, going wherever we like.. You can tell I’m a former model – thank you! Well, we’re ready to meet our very, very special guest today. I’m very honored to have her here – Mrs. Corazon Aquino! [ Corazon walks up and sits down ] Wow.. it is just such an honor to have you here, Mrs. Aquino.

Corazon Aquino: Well, thank you. You can call me “Corie.”

Pat Stevens: Corie. I understand that you have been busy as a bee lately.

Corazon Aquino: [ laughs ] Yes, you might say that, Pat. We have been working out a ceasefire agreement with the insurgents. The truce begins December 10th, for 60 days, we’re very excited about it..

Pat Stevens: [ interrupting ] Okay, what about the shoes?

Corazon Aquino: [ confused ] The shoes?

Pat Stevens: Yes, the shoes!

Corazon Aquino: Uh.. shoes are not the issue here, Pat..

Pat Stevens: I mean, 3,000 pairs of shoes in the basement! Didyou keep any of them?

Corazon Aquino: Uh.. no..

Pat Stevens: Did you try them on, and wear them around the palace?

Corazon Aquino: No.

Pat Stevens: Corie, I mean.. 3,000 pairs of shoes! I mean, a bulldozer couldn’t have pulled me out of that room! You didn’t even try one pair on?

Corazon Aquino: Well.. I did try one pair on. Only one.But it was too small.

Pat Stevens: Well, try a shoe-stretcher, they’re miracle workers! Now, have you talked to Imelda lately?

Corazon Aquino: I have nothing to say to Imelda Marcos. She is a foolish, foolish woman, who lost her country due to her excessive greed and vanity. Uh.. she is despciable, and I have no respect for her whatever.

Pat Stevens: You know, I had a roommate like that in college. Ate my food, wore my clothes without asking.. Was Imelda like that? I mean, that just drove me up the wall! What did she say: “I have 3,000 pairs of shoes, but no, I’ll borrow your one pair! I have 500 cocktail dresses, but I’ll wearo ne of yours and spill something on it!”

Corazon Aquino: No, no, no, no.. excuse me, there are many concerns besides Imelda. I have a job that is very difficult. There are people who say I can’t do this job..

Pat Stevens: There are people who say I can’t do this job, and that’s another thing that burns my britches!

Corazon Aquino: Pat, if we could get off the subject of yourburning britches for one just minute.. I feel that the American peopleshould know that I am tough, I am a woman, and I can lead my country!

Pat Stevens: Well, you’ve convinced me, and certainly my viewers. But what about your husband? What does he think about this job that you’ve taken?

Corazon Aquino: [ shocked by the question ] My husband wasassassinated three years ago.

Pat Stevens: Are you dating?

Corazon Aquino: Am I dating? No! That’s not the priority here,Pat! I mean, maybe after the next insurgency problem has been corrected, when the economy is back on his feet, after we have a constitution.. when I feel the government is stabilized.. then, and only then will I consider a social life! [ sees Pat buried in her Vogue magazine ] Hello!

Pat Stevens: Oh! Will you look at these Italian shoes here? [ forces magazine upon Corazon ] Did Imelda have a pair like that? I tell you, I’d give up my country for 3,000 pairs of these! [ closing music starts ] Bye bye, I’m Pat Stevens! [ back to Corazon ] Come on, look!

[ fade out ]

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