Seducing A Blind Man


Seducing A Blind Man

Richard…..Jon Lovitz
Homosexual Man…..Steve Guttenberg

[ open on half-naked blind man entering his living room holding two glasses of wine ]

Richard: [ nervously ] I-I-I think you’re the most fascinating woman I’ve ever met, Janet.

[ blind man sits on the edge of his bed, next to a man he’s led himself to believe is a woman ]

Homosexual Man: [ in a feminine voice ] And you’re quite a guy, Richard.

Richard: Does it bother you at all that I’m blind?

Homosexual Man: Oh, no. Of course not. Why, in a way, you see things that sighted men never see.

Richard: You know, I don’t usually do this. I mean, it’s our first date.

Homosexual Man: Oh, of course. I’m very nervous myself.

Richard: It’s just that, you really seem like a woman I could get involved with.

Homosexual Man: Oh, Richard, I feel the same way! Come on, let’s go to bed!

Richard: Okay.

[ they climb into bed, turn the lights off and begin to fool around ]

Homosexual Man: Oh, Richard..

Richard: Oh, Janet.. [ finally discovers he’s been tricked, and screams ] God! God! [ jumps out of bed ]

Homosexual Man: [ turns the lights on and runs after Richard ] I’m sorry!

Richard: Get away from me!

Homosexual Man: I’m sorry! It’s just that I’m very attracted to you!

Richard: I know! Get out of here!

Homosexual Man: I will, I will.. but first, please, I think you deserve an explanation..

Richard: Oh no, I don’t need one! Just get out!

Homosexual Man: Look, I just thought that since you were blind, you would understand. Does it make that big a difference?

Richard: YES, it makes that big a difference! Oh, God.. I’m getting sick.. [ sits ]

Homosexual Man: Well, listen, I feel terrible. Can I make this up to you?

Richard: Yes! Leave!

Homosexual Man: How about a back rub?

Richard: No! God, no! Just get out of here, go!

Homosexual Man: Okay. I’m really sorry. Alright. I’m leaving. I’m taking my clothes, and I’m leaving. [ picks up his clothes ]

Richard: Oh, good.

Homosexual Man: I’m really sorry. [ opens door as if to leave, then closes it and climbs right back into the bed ]

Richard: Oh God, I can’t believe it! Oh, what a nightmare. Alright, just go to sleep. [ screams and jumps out of bed after being tricked a second time ]

Homosexual Man: I’m sorry! Alright, look.. try to calm to down. You’ve had a very bad scare, it’s a horrible, horrbile feeling.

Richard: Get out! Get out!

Homosexual Man: Look, I don’t blame you one bit. I mean –

Richard: Look, I’m gonna call the police..

Homosexual Man: No! Wait a minute, you don’t have to do that! I’ll leave, I leared my lesson, I’ll leave..

Richard: Oh, yeah. Why should I believe you? I’m calling the police! Oh, I feel sick.

Homosexual Man: [ fakes a knock on the door ]

Richard: Who is it?

Homosexual Man: Uh-oh! [ hands muffling his voice ] It’s the police! What’s going on in there! [ normal voice ] Uh-oh, I’m in trouble now! Uh, nothing, officer! [ muffles voice ] We’re coming in! [ fakes opening the door ] What’s going on here! [ normal voice ] Uh.. it’s me, sir. I’m a homosexual.. and I was posing as a woman to try and seduce this hetereosexual blind guy.. [ muffled voice ] Is this true, sir!

Richard: Yeah! He won’t leave. He’s making me sick.

Homosexual Man: [ muffled voice ] Don’t worry – we’ve got him now! He should be locked up for some time! [ normal voice ] Look, I’m really sorry.. [ muffled voice ] Come on, now! [ normal voice ] I’m really – [ muffled voice ] Come on! [ pretends to open and close the door as though he’s been carried away ]

Richard: [ still somewhat suspicious, but hoping he’s gone ] You’d better not be here! One more time, and I’m gonna puke. [ feels around the bed ] You’d better not be here! [ is convinced the guy is done ] Oh, thank God! Ah.

[ guy sneaks back into th bed, as the blind guy climbs in himself, then quickly jumps out of bed and screams when he discovers he’s been tricked yet again ]

Homosexual Man: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!

Richard: Where’s the phone! Where’s the phone!

Homosexual Man: I’m sorry! If you could see how attracted I am to you..!

Richard: [ picks up his phone ] Hello, Police? Hello! Hello!

[ Steve Guttenberg breaks character ]

Steve Guttenberg: Hi, I’m Steve Guttenberg. We’ve had soem laughs during this little scene, but we’re really here to make a serious point. And that is that this kind is an awful thing to do to someone. Now, we don’t know that it happens very often – but even if it happens just once, that’s bad enough. Now, I don’t know if we’re calling for any specific legislation or anything. It’s more a matter of exercising a little common sense, and putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Right, Jon?

Jon Lovitz: Right! Good night.

Steve Guttenberg: Good night.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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