Seducing A Blind Man
Homosexual Man…..Steve Guttenberg
[ open on half-naked blind man entering his living room holding two glasses of wine ]
Richard: [ nervously ] I-I-I think you’re the most fascinating woman I’ve ever met, Janet.[ blind man sits on the edge of his bed, next to a man he’s led himself to believe is a woman ]
Homosexual Man: [ in a feminine voice ] And you’re quite a guy, Richard.
Richard: Does it bother you at all that I’m blind?
Homosexual Man: Oh, no. Of course not. Why, in a way, you see things that sighted men never see.
Richard: You know, I don’t usually do this. I mean, it’s our first date.
Homosexual Man: Oh, of course. I’m very nervous myself.
Richard: It’s just that, you really seem like a woman I could get involved with.
Homosexual Man: Oh, Richard, I feel the same way! Come on, let’s go to bed!
Richard: Okay.[ they climb into bed, turn the lights off and begin to fool around ]
Homosexual Man: Oh, Richard..
Richard: Oh, Janet.. [ finally discovers he’s been tricked, and screams ] God! God! [ jumps out of bed ]
Homosexual Man: [ turns the lights on and runs after Richard ] I’m sorry!
Richard: Get away from me!
Homosexual Man: I’m sorry! It’s just that I’m very attracted to you!
Richard: I know! Get out of here!
Homosexual Man: I will, I will.. but first, please, I think you deserve an explanation..
Richard: Oh no, I don’t need one! Just get out!
Homosexual Man: Look, I just thought that since you were blind, you would understand. Does it make that big a difference?
Richard: YES, it makes that big a difference! Oh, God.. I’m getting sick.. [ sits ]
Homosexual Man: Well, listen, I feel terrible. Can I make this up to you?
Richard: Yes! Leave!
Homosexual Man: How about a back rub?
Richard: No! God, no! Just get out of here, go!
Homosexual Man: Okay. I’m really sorry. Alright. I’m leaving. I’m taking my clothes, and I’m leaving. [ picks up his clothes ]
Richard: Oh, good.
Homosexual Man: I’m really sorry. [ opens door as if to leave, then closes it and climbs right back into the bed ]
Richard: Oh God, I can’t believe it! Oh, what a nightmare. Alright, just go to sleep. [ screams and jumps out of bed after being tricked a second time ]
Homosexual Man: I’m sorry! Alright, look.. try to calm to down. You’ve had a very bad scare, it’s a horrible, horrbile feeling.
Richard: Get out! Get out!
Homosexual Man: Look, I don’t blame you one bit. I mean –
Richard: Look, I’m gonna call the police..
Homosexual Man: No! Wait a minute, you don’t have to do that! I’ll leave, I leared my lesson, I’ll leave..
Richard: Oh, yeah. Why should I believe you? I’m calling the police! Oh, I feel sick.
Homosexual Man: [ fakes a knock on the door ]
Richard: Who is it?
Homosexual Man: Uh-oh! [ hands muffling his voice ] It’s the police! What’s going on in there! [ normal voice ] Uh-oh, I’m in trouble now! Uh, nothing, officer! [ muffles voice ] We’re coming in! [ fakes opening the door ] What’s going on here! [ normal voice ] Uh.. it’s me, sir. I’m a homosexual.. and I was posing as a woman to try and seduce this hetereosexual blind guy.. [ muffled voice ] Is this true, sir!
Richard: Yeah! He won’t leave. He’s making me sick.
Homosexual Man: [ muffled voice ] Don’t worry – we’ve got him now! He should be locked up for some time! [ normal voice ] Look, I’m really sorry.. [ muffled voice ] Come on, now! [ normal voice ] I’m really – [ muffled voice ] Come on! [ pretends to open and close the door as though he’s been carried away ]
Richard: [ still somewhat suspicious, but hoping he’s gone ] You’d better not be here! One more time, and I’m gonna puke. [ feels around the bed ] You’d better not be here! [ is convinced the guy is done ] Oh, thank God! Ah.[ guy sneaks back into th bed, as the blind guy climbs in himself, then quickly jumps out of bed and screams when he discovers he’s been tricked yet again ]
Homosexual Man: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!
Richard: Where’s the phone! Where’s the phone!
Homosexual Man: I’m sorry! If you could see how attracted I am to you..!
Richard: [ picks up his phone ] Hello, Police? Hello! Hello![ Steve Guttenberg breaks character ]
Steve Guttenberg: Hi, I’m Steve Guttenberg. We’ve had soem laughs during this little scene, but we’re really here to make a serious point. And that is that this kind is an awful thing to do to someone. Now, we don’t know that it happens very often – but even if it happens just once, that’s bad enough. Now, I don’t know if we’re calling for any specific legislation or anything. It’s more a matter of exercising a little common sense, and putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Right, Jon?
Jon Lovitz: Right! Good night.
Steve Guttenberg: Good night.[ fade out ]