Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 12: Episode 8
Star Trek V: The Restaurant Enterprise
Captain Kirk…..William Shatner
Mister Spock…..Kevin Nealon
Doctor “Bones” McCoy…..Phil Hartman
Mister Sulu…..Akira Yoshimura
Khan and the Voice of Scottie…..Dana Carvey
The Health Inspector…..Jon Lovitz
Cranky Customer…..Nora Dunn
[Scene opens on the exterior of the ship, which is revolving on a pole. At the top of the pole is a sign that reads “Restaurant Enterprise. Today: Bluefish Special”.
Voiceover by Kirk: It has been six months since the Enterprise has been sold to Marriott Corporation as a revolving theme restaurant. It has been difficult for my crew but they have adjusted admirably.[Kirk enters a futuristic-looking restaurant looking out over space. Walks over to Spock and McCoy.]
Kirk: Gentlemen, what’s going on? I left specific instructions that the special today was to be flounder.
Spock: Captain, we ran out of the flouder two hours ago.
Kirk: Then what have you been serving?
Spock: [Pause.] Humpback whale, Captain.[Half the audience laughs, the other half groans. Star Trek IV, the movie where they saved the whales, had just opened.]
McCoy: It’s good fish Jim, really.
Crewwoman/Waitress: Captain, we’re having a problem with one of the customers over here. She’s complaining about her order.
Kirk: Don’t worry. I’ll care of it.[Theme music for imminent danger starts playing.]
McCoy: JIM! BE CAREFUL![Kirk walks cautiously over to the Cranky Customer.]
Kirk: Good evening madam. I am the manager of this establishment. How can I help you?
Cranky Customer: I thought we were supposed to get fries with this.
Kirk: No ma’am, that’s a Klingon. You want a Romulan.
Cranky Customer: Well, you must have changed the name.
Crewwoman/Waitress: We didn’t change the name, ma’am…
Kirk: I’ll take care this for you. [Flips open his communicator.] Romulan with fries and…what would you like to drink, madam?
Cranky Customer: A Chocolate Scottie.
Kirk: And a ChocScot.
McCoy: [Dramatically.] That was a close one, Jim![Kirk walks around the dining area asking customers how they’re doing. One man starts to answer, but begins choking on his food.]
Kirk: McCoy! This man needs your assistance!
McCoy: For God’s sake, I’m a doctor, not a…oh…right…sorry. [Rushes over and tries giving him the Heimlich Manoeuver, but it doesn’t seem to be working.]
Spock: Allow me, doctor. [Gives the Vulcan nerve pinch to the customer, who proceeds to spit out the piece of food.] [Audience cheers.] [Another customer flags Kirk down and points to her sandwich.]
Kirk: Bones, can you take a look at this?
McCoy: [Whirring sound and he waves his medical device over the sandwich.] Jim! This sandwich is completely dry!
Kirk: [Aghast.] What happened to the Special Sauce? [Looks around.] Mister Sulu!
Sulu: Captain! It’s the condiments bar. There’s a problem with the Special Sauce. The dispenser is jammed. It will take days to repair.
Kirk: [Appears deep in thought for a moment.] Okay…here’s what I want you to do. Mix a little mustard together with a little relish.
Sulu: [Starts pumping the dispensers.] It’s working Captain!
Kirk: Keep at it, Mister Sulu…I want full relish![Suddenly realizes that Sulu is not as thin as he used to be. Pats his gut.]
Kirk: Mister Sulu, we’ve put on a bit of weight, haven’t we?
Sulu: [Hanging his head shamefully.] Yes, Captain.
Kirk: Don’t make me regret my policy of free food for the crew.[A crashing sound is heard. Everyone fakes falling by leaning from side to side and then running back and forth across the stage.]
Kirk: [Flipping open his communicator.] Scottie, why have we stopped revolving?
Scottie: [Voice from offstage.] I doan’t knooow Cap’n, but she canna take much moooorrrrrrr…
Spock: Captain, my tricorder indicates that someone is coming this way.[Door slides open and a figure strides through to face the captain.]
Khan: Kiiiirrrrrkkkkk. I have waited for my revenge for twenty-five yeeeeaaaarrrsss.[Audience starts laughing hysterically at Carvey, who is dressed exactly like Khan in Star Trek II.]
Khan: Yes, Kirk. It is I, your greatest foe and I will…Sulu? [Walks over to him.] Sulu! Oh my god, what have they done to you? [Eyes Sulu’s large gut.]
Sulu: [Shrugs.] We all get older, Khan.
Khan: I cannot bear to look at you. Turn away from me! [Spins Sulu around so he’s no longer facing him.]
Kirk: Khan…stop it! You board my ship, you insult my crew. What is it you really want?
Khan: Ahhhhh, very well Kiiiiiirrrkkkk. I shall get to the heart of the matter.[Khan snaps his fingers and a man with a clipboard comes through the door to stand at his side.]
Khan: This is the health inspector. Your establishment has many infractions. You have dirty silverware stored next to clean. No sneeeeezzzeeeguard on the saaaaalllaaad baaaaarr.[Kirk, Spock and McCoy huddle together, talking in low tones.]
McCoy: He’s got us, Jim.
Kirk: Maybe, maybe not. Bones, Spock…do you have any money?
McCoy: A few dollars, Jim, but why?
Kirk: Just give it to me.[The two men hand him their cash. Kirk strides over to the health inspector.]
Kirk: I appreciate you bringing these problems to my attention. We’ll be taking care of them right away. [Shakes the inspector’s hand, passing him the cash.]
Health Inspector: [Glancing at the cash.] Well, seeing as this is your first offense and that you’re willing to rectify the situation, I don’t see why we can’t just let this one go.
Khan: Oooooohhhhhh Kirk! You may have won this time, but I will be back. And next time…you…will…be…cited! Inspector…come![Khan and the health inspector exit.] [A brief exterior and theme music, and then back to an interior shot.]
Spock: Captain, it seems quite illogical that Khan was betrayed by the very health inspector he recruited to defeat you.
Kirk: Never underestimate the power of human greed, Spock.
McCoy: What he means, Spock, is that sometimes your vaunted Vulcan logic fails you.
Spock: Doctor…would you kindly do me the honor of eating my shorts?!
Kirk: Mister Spock, I believe you’re getting more human all the time.[Kirk flips open his communicator.]
Kirk: Mister Scott…full revolve![Audience applaudes, credits roll. Fade.]
Submitted by: Kevin McGuinness