Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 12: Episode 8
Star Trek V: The Restaurant Enterprise
Captain Kirk…..William Shatner
Mister Spock…..Kevin Nealon
Doctor “Bones” McCoy…..Phil Hartman
Mister Sulu…..Akira Yoshimura
Khan and the Voice of Scottie…..Dana Carvey
The Health Inspector…..Jon Lovitz
Cranky Customer…..Nora Dunn
Voiceover by Kirk: It has been six months since the Enterprise has been sold to Marriott Corporation as a revolving theme restaurant. It has been difficult for my crew but they have adjusted admirably.[Kirk enters a futuristic-looking restaurant looking out over space. Walks over to Spock and McCoy.]
Kirk: Gentlemen, what’s going on? I left specific instructions that the special today was to be flounder.
Spock: Captain, we ran out of the flouder two hours ago.
Kirk: Then what have you been serving?
Spock: [Pause.] Humpback whale, Captain.[Half the audience laughs, the other half groans. Star Trek IV, the movie where they saved the whales, had just opened.]
McCoy: It’s good fish Jim, really.
Crewwoman/Waitress: Captain, we’re having a problem with one of the customers over here. She’s complaining about her order.
Kirk: Don’t worry. I’ll care of it.[Theme music for imminent danger starts playing.]
McCoy: JIM! BE CAREFUL![Kirk walks cautiously over to the Cranky Customer.]
Kirk: Good evening madam. I am the manager of this establishment. How can I help you?
Cranky Customer: I thought we were supposed to get fries with this.
Kirk: No ma’am, that’s a Klingon. You want a Romulan.
Cranky Customer: Well, you must have changed the name.
Crewwoman/Waitress: We didn’t change the name, ma’am…
Kirk: I’ll take care this for you. [Flips open his communicator.] Romulan with fries and…what would you like to drink, madam?
Cranky Customer: A Chocolate Scottie.
Kirk: And a ChocScot.[Tray with the order materializes nearby. Kirk gives it to the woman and then walks back to the others.]
McCoy: [Dramatically.] That was a close one, Jim![Kirk walks around the dining area asking customers how they’re doing. One man starts to answer, but begins choking on his food.]
Kirk: McCoy! This man needs your assistance!
McCoy: For God’s sake, I’m a doctor, not a…oh…right…sorry. [Rushes over and tries giving him the Heimlich Manoeuver, but it doesn’t seem to be working.]
Spock: Allow me, doctor. [Gives the Vulcan nerve pinch to the customer, who proceeds to spit out the piece of food.] [Audience cheers.] [Another customer flags Kirk down and points to her sandwich.]
Kirk: Bones, can you take a look at this?
McCoy: [Whirring sound and he waves his medical device over the sandwich.] Jim! This sandwich is completely dry!
Kirk: [Aghast.] What happened to the Special Sauce? [Looks around.] Mister Sulu!
Sulu: Captain! It’s the condiments bar. There’s a problem with the Special Sauce. The dispenser is jammed. It will take days to repair.
Kirk: [Appears deep in thought for a moment.] Okay…here’s what I want you to do. Mix a little mustard together with a little relish.
Sulu: [Starts pumping the dispensers.] It’s working Captain!
Kirk: Keep at it, Mister Sulu…I want full relish![Suddenly realizes that Sulu is not as thin as he used to be. Pats his gut.]
Kirk: Mister Sulu, we’ve put on a bit of weight, haven’t we?
Sulu: [Hanging his head shamefully.] Yes, Captain.
Kirk: Don’t make me regret my policy of free food for the crew.[A crashing sound is heard. Everyone fakes falling by leaning from side to side and then running back and forth across the stage.]
Kirk: [Flipping open his communicator.] Scottie, why have we stopped revolving?
Scottie: [Voice from offstage.] I doan’t knooow Cap’n, but she canna take much moooorrrrrrr…
Spock: Captain, my tricorder indicates that someone is coming this way.[Door slides open and a figure strides through to face the captain.]
Khan: Kiiiirrrrrkkkkk. I have waited for my revenge for twenty-five yeeeeaaaarrrsss.[Audience starts laughing hysterically at Carvey, who is dressed exactly like Khan in Star Trek II.]
Khan: Yes, Kirk. It is I, your greatest foe and I will…Sulu? [Walks over to him.] Sulu! Oh my god, what have they done to you? [Eyes Sulu’s large gut.]
Sulu: [Shrugs.] We all get older, Khan.
Khan: I cannot bear to look at you. Turn away from me! [Spins Sulu around so he’s no longer facing him.]
Kirk: Khan…stop it! You board my ship, you insult my crew. What is it you really want?
Khan: Ahhhhh, very well Kiiiiiirrrkkkk. I shall get to the heart of the matter.[Khan snaps his fingers and a man with a clipboard comes through the door to stand at his side.]
Khan: This is the health inspector. Your establishment has many infractions. You have dirty silverware stored next to clean. No sneeeeezzzeeeguard on the saaaaalllaaad baaaaarr.[Kirk, Spock and McCoy huddle together, talking in low tones.]
McCoy: He’s got us, Jim.
Kirk: Maybe, maybe not. Bones, Spock…do you have any money?
McCoy: A few dollars, Jim, but why?
Kirk: Just give it to me.[The two men hand him their cash. Kirk strides over to the health inspector.]
Kirk: I appreciate you bringing these problems to my attention. We’ll be taking care of them right away. [Shakes the inspector’s hand, passing him the cash.]
Health Inspector: [Glancing at the cash.] Well, seeing as this is your first offense and that you’re willing to rectify the situation, I don’t see why we can’t just let this one go.
Khan: Oooooohhhhhh Kirk! You may have won this time, but I will be back. And next time…you…will…be…cited! Inspector…come![Khan and the health inspector exit.] [A brief exterior and theme music, and then back to an interior shot.]
Spock: Captain, it seems quite illogical that Khan was betrayed by the very health inspector he recruited to defeat you.
Kirk: Never underestimate the power of human greed, Spock.
McCoy: What he means, Spock, is that sometimes your vaunted Vulcan logic fails you.
Spock: Doctor…would you kindly do me the honor of eating my shorts?!
Kirk: Mister Spock, I believe you’re getting more human all the time.[Kirk flips open his communicator.]
Kirk: Mister Scott…full revolve![Audience applaudes, credits roll. Fade.]
Submitted by: Kevin McGuinness