The Sweeney Sisters


The Sweeney Sisters

Candy Sweeney…..Jan Hooks
Bill….Kevin Nealon
Roger…..William Shatner
Liz Sweeeny…..Nora Dunn
Phil…..Phil Hartman
Whitney…..A. Whitney Brown

[ open on interior, Sweeney Sisters Christmas party ]

Candy Sweeney: [ passing out hors-douvres to one of her guests ] Okay, now. These are the cheese whizzies, the beef puffs and potato poofs. Take your pick.

Bill: Wow! You sure know how to throw a wing-ding, Candy!

Candy Sweeney: Well, I don’t know about the ding, but how about a wing! [ laughs ] [ doorbell rings, Liz enters with her boyfriend Roger ]

Roger: Ho ho ho, everybody!

Candy Sweeney: [ to Liz ] Hey, you! How are you doing?

Liz Sweeney: Okay, how are you? Sorry we’re a little late.

Roger: Attencion, please. I’m gonna step out of character for once, and open my big, big mouth.

Bill: Yeah, right, Rog!

Roger: Thanks, Bill! Anyhoo. When I was singing a few years ago, at the, uh..

Liz Sweeney: Coconut Club.

Roger: Cocnut Club – thanks, honey. Just a year ago, actually., Well, Liz walked in while I was singing “Born Free”, and guess what? I forgot the lyrics right then. I still can’t remember them!

Liz Sweeney: Oh, come on! What Roger’s trying to say is that we got engaged tonight!

Candy Sweeney: [ excited ] That’s great! Welcome to the family!

Phil: Yeah, congrats, you two!

Whitney: Hey, how about a medley?

Phil: Why don’t you sing that number, that Christmas number you sang at the Blarney Stone?

Candy Sweeney: Twist my arm! Twist my arm! [ her arm is twisted ] Ow! [ laughs ] [ Sweeney Sisters take off their wraps and stand in front of the room with their microphones ]

Liz Sweeney: Oh, well, this is just so sweet of all of you.

Candy Sweeney: Yes.

Liz Sweeney: You know, when we think of Christmas, we think of one thing.

Candy Sweeney: Yeah, maybe you do, too.

Together: Bells!

[ singing ]“Bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong!
Just hear those sleigh bells ringing, and jing-jingling, too!
Come on, it’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.
And you, and you, and you!
Outside, the snow is falling, and friends are calling yoo-hoo!”

Crowd: Yoo-hoo!! Yoo-hoo!!

Candy Sweeney: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! Who’s on stage here? [ laughs ] Seriously, I’m gonna get serious for a minute here and say that my sister/bride-to-be has found her fella. For that, I’m very happy, although it’s not gonna be too easy being the Lone Ranger out there on the range by myself. But, you know.. it may sound corny, but.. there’s a word in this business, people. And that word is “support”. And this gal has given me nothing but, from the get-go, and I mean that, I do.

Liz Sweeney: Well, I’ll tell you one gift she’s not getting for Christmas – the gift of gab. You’ve got that already!

Candy Sweeney: [ laughs ] Guilty! [ laughs ]

Together: [ singing ]“Giddyup, jingle horse, pick up your feet
Jingle around the clock!”

Candy Sweeney: Yeah!

“A mix and a mingle and a jingling beat
That’s the jingle bell.”

Candy Sweeney: “That’s the jingle bell.”

Liz Sweeney: “That’s the jingle bell rock.”

Candy Sweeney: [ singing ]“Bells. On bobtail ring
Making spirits bright.”

[ to the crowd ] How you doing tonight? Good.

“What fun it is to laugh and sing
a sleighing song tonight.”

Liz Sweeney: [ singing ]“Sleigh bells ring – come with me! Are you listening?
In the lane, snow is glistening.”

“A beautiful sight
We’re happy tonight
Walking in a winter wonderland!”

Candy Sweeney: Take it down, Liz!

Liz Sweeney: [ to Roger ]“Silver Bells, Silver Bells.”

Together: “It’s Christmastime in the city.”

Liz Sweeney: “Hear them ring.”

Candy Sweeney: “Hear them ring.”

Liz Sweeney: “Ding-a-ling.”

Candy Sweeney: Who you calling a ding-a-ling?

Liz Sweeney: You!

Candy Sweeney: [ laughs ]

Liz Sweeney: “Soon it will be Christmas..”

“Clang-clang-clang went the trolley!Ding-ding-ding went the bells!

Liz Sweeney: Bell?

Candy Sweeney: Ding?

Liz Sweeney: Dong!

Candy Sweeney: Ring!

Liz Sweeney: Clang!

Candy Sweeney: [ singing ]“Hark to the bells
Here come the bells
There go the bells
So many bells.

Hark to the bells
Here come the bells
There go the bells
So many bells.”

“Merry, Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas!Merry, Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas!”

Candy Sweeney: [ singing ]“Hark to the bells
Here come the bells
There go the bells
So many bells!”

Together: [ singing ]“A mix and a mingle and a jingling beat!
That’s the jingle bell
That’s the jingle bell
That’s the jingle bell ro-o-o-o-ock!

Five golden.. ringgggggggggsssssss!!”

[ zoom out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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