Sincere Guy Stu


Sincere Guy Stu

Dan…..Phil Hartman
Leslie…..Jan Hooks
Stu…..Joe Montana


Dan: You know, Leslie, I could talk to you for days.

Dan’s Thoughts: Gee, I’d like to jump her bones.

Leslie: Same here. You know, I haven’t even noticed the time?

Leslie’s Thoughts: Gee, I wish he’d jump my bones.

Dan: [ checking his watch ] Whoa! I didn’t realize how late it was. You know, you’re welcome to spend the night here. In the living room.

Dan’s Thoughts: If she says yes, I’m home-free!

Leslie: Gee, you know.. I really shouldn’t..

Leslie’s Thoughts: I don’t want to seem too trampy.

Dan: Well.. suit yourself.

Leslie: Okay, I will! [ laughs ] [ the sound of a car pulling up can be heard outside ]

Dan: Oh, great. That’s my roommate, Stu.

Dan’s Thoughts: Dammit! What a time for him to show up!

Leslie: Terrific! I’d love to meet him!

Leslie’s Thoughts: Oh, no.. he’s going to ruin everything.

Dan: I think you’ll relaly like Stu. He’s absolutely the most sincere, genuine straightforward person you’ll ever want to meet. A real honest guy.

Dan’s Thoughts: What a jerk he is!

Leslie: He sounds really nice.

Leslie’s Thoughts: God, he sounds boring!

Dan: Oh, here he is. Hey, Stu, come on in!

Stu: [ surprised there’s company ] Oh! I hope I’m not disturbing you.

Stu’s Thoughts: I hope I’m not disturbing them.

Dan: Not at all.

Dan’s Thoughts: God, he’s going to scare her away.

Dan: Uh, Stu, this is Leslie. Leslie, Stu.

Stu: [ shaking her hand ] Hi. I’m very glad to meet you.

Stu’s Thoughts: I’m very glad to meet her.

Leslie: Well, it’s nice to meet you.

Leslie’s Thoughts: God, this guy’s a stiff!

Dan: Leslie was gonna sleep in the living room. Unless thats a problem for you? In which case, she could sleep in my room, and I could sleep on the floor.

Dan’s Thoughts: Come on, you idiot! Help me out!

Leslie: You know, maybe it would be better if I stayed in Dan’s room, because we don’t want to inconvenience you.

Stu: Hey, it’s fine with me if you stay in the living room. It won’t bother me at all.

Stu’s Thoughts: It’s fine with me if she stays in the living room. It doesn’t bother me at all.

Dan: Thanks a lot, Stu.

Dan’s Thoughts: Yeah, thanks a lot, jerk!

Leslie: You know, you are so sweet.

Leslie’s Thoughts: Boy, is this guy lame!

Dan: Well, listen, Stu, I think Leslie and I are gonna stay up a while and talk, so I guess we’ll.. uh.. see you tomorrow.

Stu: Great! See you tomorrow!

Stu’s Thoughts: Great! I’ll see them tomorrow!

[ Stu heads upstairs ]

Leslie: Uh.. listen, we’ll talk quietly, so as not to disturb you, okay?

Stu: Oh, you won’t disturb me. I’ll be in my room masturbating.

Stu’s Thoughts: They won’t disturb me. I’ll be masturbating.

[ Stuart retreats upstairs ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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