Sincere Guy Stu
Dan…..Phil Hartman
Leslie…..Jan Hooks
Stu…..Joe Montana
Dan: You know, Leslie, I could talk to you for days.
Dan’s Thoughts: Gee, I’d like to jump her bones.
Leslie: Same here. You know, I haven’t even noticed the time?
Leslie’s Thoughts: Gee, I wish he’d jump my bones.
Dan: [ checking his watch ] Whoa! I didn’t realize how late it was. You know, you’re welcome to spend the night here. In the living room.
Dan’s Thoughts: If she says yes, I’m home-free!
Leslie: Gee, you know.. I really shouldn’t..
Leslie’s Thoughts: I don’t want to seem too trampy.
Dan: Well.. suit yourself.
Leslie: Okay, I will! [ laughs ]
[ the sound of a car pulling up can be heard outside ]
Dan: Oh, great. That’s my roommate, Stu.
Dan’s Thoughts: Dammit! What a time for him to show up!
Leslie: Terrific! I’d love to meet him!
Leslie’s Thoughts: Oh, no.. he’s going to ruin everything.
Dan: I think you’ll relaly like Stu. He’s absolutely the most sincere, genuine straightforward person you’ll ever want to meet. A real honest guy.
Dan’s Thoughts: What a jerk he is!
Leslie: He sounds really nice.
Leslie’s Thoughts: God, he sounds boring!
Dan: Oh, here he is. Hey, Stu, come on in!
Stu: [ surprised there’s company ] Oh! I hope I’m not disturbing you.
Stu’s Thoughts: I hope I’m not disturbing them.
Dan: Not at all.
Dan’s Thoughts: God, he’s going to scare her away.
Dan: Uh, Stu, this is Leslie. Leslie, Stu.
Stu: [ shaking her hand ] Hi. I’m very glad to meet you.
Stu’s Thoughts: I’m very glad to meet her.
Leslie: Well, it’s nice to meet you.
Leslie’s Thoughts: God, this guy’s a stiff!
Dan: Leslie was gonna sleep in the living room. Unless thats a problem for you? In which case, she could sleep in my room, and I could sleep on the floor.
Dan’s Thoughts: Come on, you idiot! Help me out!
Leslie: You know, maybe it would be better if I stayed in Dan’s room, because we don’t want to inconvenience you.
Stu: Hey, it’s fine with me if you stay in the living room. It won’t bother me at all.
Stu’s Thoughts: It’s fine with me if she stays in the living room. It doesn’t bother me at all.
Dan: Thanks a lot, Stu.
Dan’s Thoughts: Yeah, thanks a lot, jerk!
Leslie: You know, you are so sweet.
Leslie’s Thoughts: Boy, is this guy lame!
Dan: Well, listen, Stu, I think Leslie and I are gonna stay up a while and talk, so I guess we’ll.. uh.. see you tomorrow.
Stu: Great! See you tomorrow!
Stu’s Thoughts: Great! I’ll see them tomorrow!
[ Stu heads upstairs ]
Leslie: Uh.. listen, we’ll talk quietly, so as not to disturb you, okay?
Stu: Oh, you won’t disturb me. I’ll be in my room masturbating.
Stu’s Thoughts: They won’t disturb me. I’ll be masturbating.
[ Stuart retreats upstairs ]
