Paul’s Dressing Room
[ open on Paul Shaffer talking on the phone in his dressing room ]
Paul Shaffer: I know, David. I understand. What are you gonna do? I know. Listen, alright, I know. So granted, it’s not the hippest atmosphere I’ve ever worked in, Dave, but you know, it’s not our show, but it’s on earlier so they don’t really have to be as hip. No, I know, they know. [ a knock at the door ] Look, Dave, they probably want me now. I’d better get going. Thanks a lot for calling, that’s great. Thank you, Dave. See you later. [ hangs up ] Come on in. [ Dana Carvey, Nora Dunn and Jon Lovitz enter, dressed as babies ] Hi, you guys!
Dana, Nora, Jon: Hi.
Paul Shaffer: What’s going on, you guys?
Dana Carvey: Well, Paul, what’s this we heard about you taking yourself out of the Sand Box sketch?
Nora Dunn: Yeah.
Paul Shaffer: Yeah, I did. It just wasn’t right for me, the sketch, you know. It’s great for you guys..
Jon Lovitz: Oh? Because you thought it was square?
Paul Shaffer: Oh, no, no, no..
Nora Dunn: Are you sure?
Paul Shaffer: No, no. Hipness was never the issue on this, really..
Dana Carvey: Come on, Paul, come on, you can level with us. Now, everyone knows you’re the hippest man in show business. And it’s been a long time since this show was considered hip.
Nora Dunn: Yeah, we really appreciate your hanging around this week. I know, compared to what you’re used to, it’s probably pretty boring.
Paul Shaffer: Hold on, you guys, don’t put yourselves down. You know, maybe this show isn’t what I’m used to. But it has a simplicity, it’s got a sincereity, it’s got a sense of innonence that I wouldn’t trade for all the hipness in the world!
Dana, Nora, Jon: Really?
Paul Shaffer: Yeah! Hipness isn’t for everybody. You guys have a different audience than we do.
Dana Carvey: That’s true.
Paul Shaffer: Sure, look at the demographics. The median age of your viewer is, what, about 51 years?
Dana Carvey: It’s more like 48, Paul.
Paul Shaffer: Well, whatever. Alright.. [ props up chart ] The average age of a “Late Night” viewer is, as you can see, is about half that. And they’re educated, too. Now, look here – the “Late Night” viewer is much more likely to open a restaurant in the next three years. Whereas, the “Saturday Night Live” viewer is more likely to have an operation. So, it’s not a very hip audience, and they’re not expecting a very hip show.
Dana, Nora, Jon: Oh, that’s great! Thanks.
Paul Shaffer: Let me tell you something about this whole “hip” thing. You know, being at the cutting edge, being hip, is not all fun and games. You know, if I had to do it all overagain, you know what I would be?
Jon Lovitz: As square as we are, Paul?
Paul Shaffer: Uh, well.. let’s just say that I would be squarer than I am now.
Dana, Nora, Jon: Oh, wow!
Paul Shaffer: See? Can you breathe again?
Dana Carvey: Paul, while we’ve got you here, let me ask you – what do you think the next hip phrase is gonna be?
Paul Shaffer: It’ll never change, babe. It’s still “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”