Paul’s Dressing Room


Paul’s Dressing Room

…..Paul Shaffer
…..Dana Carvey
…..Nora Dunn
…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Paul Shaffer talking on the phone in his dressing room ]

Paul Shaffer: I know, David. I understand. What are you gonna do? I know. Listen, alright, I know. So granted, it’s not the hippest atmosphere I’ve ever worked in, Dave, but you know, it’s not our show, but it’s on earlier so they don’t really have to be as hip. No, I know, they know. [ a knock at the door ] Look, Dave, they probably want me now. I’d better get going. Thanks a lot for calling, that’s great. Thank you, Dave. See you later. [ hangs up ] Come on in. [ Dana Carvey, Nora Dunn and Jon Lovitz enter, dressed as babies ] Hi, you guys!

Dana, Nora, Jon: Hi.

Paul Shaffer: What’s going on, you guys?

Dana Carvey: Well, Paul, what’s this we heard about you taking yourself out of the Sand Box sketch?

Nora Dunn: Yeah.

Paul Shaffer: Yeah, I did. It just wasn’t right for me, the sketch, you know. It’s great for you guys..

Jon Lovitz: Oh? Because you thought it was square?

Paul Shaffer: Oh, no, no, no..

Nora Dunn: Are you sure?

Paul Shaffer: No, no. Hipness was never the issue on this, really..

Dana Carvey: Come on, Paul, come on, you can level with us. Now, everyone knows you’re the hippest man in show business. And it’s been a long time since this show was considered hip.

Nora Dunn: Yeah, we really appreciate your hanging around this week. I know, compared to what you’re used to, it’s probably pretty boring.

Paul Shaffer: Hold on, you guys, don’t put yourselves down. You know, maybe this show isn’t what I’m used to. But it has a simplicity, it’s got a sincereity, it’s got a sense of innonence that I wouldn’t trade for all the hipness in the world!

Dana, Nora, Jon: Really?

Paul Shaffer: Yeah! Hipness isn’t for everybody. You guys have a different audience than we do.

Dana Carvey: That’s true.

Paul Shaffer: Sure, look at the demographics. The median age of your viewer is, what, about 51 years?

Dana Carvey: It’s more like 48, Paul.

Paul Shaffer: Well, whatever. Alright.. [ props up chart ] The average age of a “Late Night” viewer is, as you can see, is about half that. And they’re educated, too. Now, look here – the “Late Night” viewer is much more likely to open a restaurant in the next three years. Whereas, the “Saturday Night Live” viewer is more likely to have an operation. So, it’s not a very hip audience, and they’re not expecting a very hip show.

Dana, Nora, Jon: Oh, that’s great! Thanks.

Paul Shaffer: Let me tell you something about this whole “hip” thing. You know, being at the cutting edge, being hip, is not all fun and games. You know, if I had to do it all overagain, you know what I would be?

Jon Lovitz: As square as we are, Paul?

Paul Shaffer: Uh, well.. let’s just say that I would be squarer than I am now.

Dana, Nora, Jon: Oh, wow!

Paul Shaffer: See? Can you breathe again?

Dana Carvey: Paul, while we’ve got you here, let me ask you – what do you think the next hip phrase is gonna be?

Paul Shaffer: It’ll never change, babe. It’s still “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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